On Not Having a Say (When is a Check-In Not a Check-In?)

"Ci sarà una scelta, giusto?" (There will be a choice, right?)

I texted that to the person who had invited me on a mountain hike, my first real one. When she described it to me, she told me that we would hike to a rifugio (mountain hut with food and bathroom) and there would be the option for some people to continue on much farther, through snowy conditions, to the nearest peak. But I had an inkling it wouldn't play out like that - hence the text. No reply.

Sure enough, when the group of 7 people, all non-english-speaking Italians except for me, got to the rifugio, it was decided that we would all proceed to the peak. As a middle-class white male who's always been highly fluent in the dominant language, it was a new and very unpleasant experience to find myself not having a voice in the conversation. I could understand bits of what was said: two and half hours each way, maybe more - snow up to the knee - possibly dangerous. But the discussion was flying too fast for me to follow it, much less influence the course of it or get all my questions answered. At times they talked about me as if I wasn't there ("well <my name> is wearing jeans").

And then it was decided.

I still had the choice to go against this decision! Why didn't I? I was exhausted even after the smaller hike, and felt like I was about to throw up. But it was a brand new group of friends, and I didn't want to make an early impression as being difficult or wimpy. I knew it would be challenging and awkward to get my feelings across in Italian. And staying behind would have meant 4 hours by myself sitting around the rifugio.

So I didn't even really have an inner debate. I just sighed and knew that I would be going up the mountain. There was some talk of, "if some people are tired, they can turn back," but I knew that wasn't a thing either.

A couple of times people would check in with me: "Everything ok?" What could I do but smile, give a thumbs up and go, "Sì!"

Obviously I'm working towards a kink-consent-type message here. But where it gets complicated is that the hike went great! One of the best experiences in my life, in fact. I got to use crampons for the first time, I felt fine, and the views were almost overwhelming in their beauty. I'm super glad I did it.

This twist would tend to confirm the view held by some people, often of an authoritarian/conservative orientation (and I mean that neutrally), that often people don't know their own potential, and need to be pushed to do things they truly don't want to do, and become stronger that way.

But I don't think that's compatible with the explicit consent model of kink that I believe in (and that is beginning to colour my views overall). I believe that even if you sometimes think you know better than someone what their true needs and limits are, ultimately they are the only person who can really be the judge. If someone feels they're not ready, you trust them on that. If they think they need to stop, they need to stop. And people have the right to choose their level of risk. So even though I was happy in the end, I still had the (brief, minor) experience of a lack of agency, of not feeling like I had a say in what would happen to me, in a way that I haven't really felt since middle school.

(of course all the folks who are routinely denied agency because of their identities are chuckling ruefully at me right now...)

All this was much magnified by the difficulty in making myself understood, and to be able to follow the information going into the decision. More subtly, to not be part of the swift flow of a discussion, and the layers of personal transactions beneath it. As a side point, the fact that the group didn't have an official leader also made it more difficult: some people are always more influential than others in such situations, but no one is accountable, everyone can say it was "the group" that decided.

More than the issue of respect for agency, the bigger issue is that the situation they created was risky. I could feel the pressure viscerally, and how I would have had to go even if it had been a much bigger deal for me. And this was just about a long walk. At most I might have twisted an ankle or got heat exhaustion. If this was a bondage, fireplay, knifeplay, or even heavy D/s scene, with heavy emotions involved, much bigger things would have been at risk. All these Italians were super nice, considerate people - it just felt more natural to talk around me rather than suffer the friction of the communication barrier. So I realized this is one way scenes can go badly wrong despite everyone being well intentioned.

So here are some kink lessons I want to take away from this:

• Making sure everyone involved in a scene is truly ok with what's going to happen is an involved process, consisting of lots of two-way communication, and must not be rushed or bulldozed through.
• Scenes should have momentum, but that must be at least partially an illusion. No matter how elaborate the conception, how much you've been looking forward to it, how much of a hassle it will be to change course, whether there's an audience or money involved, you must be ready to shut it down on a moment's notice if anyone involved wants it to. And that means both having that in your mind, and taking the time to build that into the scene in the planning stages. Otherwise a check-in is an empty gesture.
• Picture the person in your group who is least effective at communicating their needs and wishes. Maybe because english isn't their first language, or they have a disability, or because they are new to kink and don't know the vocabulary or their own limits, or they are a "pleaser", or they currently under the influence of anxiety or subspace. Look inside yourself: do you deep down believe that person's needs and wishes are less important than the other people's? If so, then maybe you should take yourself out of a planning or decision making role.

(Just to be clear, I want to say that although my italian is slowly improving, I'm also getting more comfortable with being the slightly-confused one in the group - it's certainly good for me! - and I consider it a great treat and privilege to be able to hang out with native Italians. For anything less intense than a 6 hour hiking commitment, I'm perfectly happy bumbling along not getting everything!)

An Erotic Hypnosis Scene: Wet

Warning to the reader: this is an account of a scene that involved pee.
--
I paced back and forth in the hotel room at a furious rate. The moment Michelle showed up, we would be starting a scene beyond anything I had done before. And it all had to take place, from warmup to aftercare, within 90 minutes. I felt supercharged knowing it was real, that this was going to happen, this scene that we had mapped out in a long discussion over dinner and in the days before.

One of the things Michelle (not her real name) is into is watersports. I stayed away from asking about it, even as we did more intense hypnosis that included dominance and submission, because I didn't get it. But once, lying in bed together, Michelle told me about a time when a play partner took her to a public park. There in the middle of the park he instructed her to pee her pants. And she did it. It was a memory she had masturbated to ever since.

I had an "aha" moment, that in this case watersports was about humiliation, and control: his control over her, and her losing control of herself, in an utterly taboo way. And then the realization: uh oh, I might be kind of into pee too.

Weeks later, Michelle told me a new erotic fantasy she had been having about hypnosis - I love it so much when that happens - and I said absolutely we can do this. All we need is a hotel room.

At last she came in the door in the green latex dress that had caused me and and so many other people to lust after her all day. I closed the door, pulled her into my arms - feeling her hot skin through the rubbery dress - and we kissed. Then I said into her ear, "FREEZE."

The post-hypnotic trigger took hold immediately, and I was able to admire her from every side and explore her body with my hands, while she stared straight ahead. I grabbed the big ring on the zipper on the front of her dress, and did what it made everyone want to do: pull down. Her breasts popped out of the latex, and I massaged them with my hands as she stood there like a statue.

Finally, I said, "MELT," and a second later she was kissing me passionately, still right in front of the door, her exposed bare chest pressing into my shirt. I zipped her dress off completely, and told her to lie down on the bed in her panties. I straddled her, and hypnotized her more fiercely than I have ever hypnotized someone. I ordered her to look into my eyes. I told her to see the intent there, that it was my will pressing her down into trance. That she needed to obey me and drop deeper than ever before, so that my instructions could sink into her mind and command her behaviour so powerfully. She succumbed quickly, her submissiveness taking the place of any deepener.

I told her just for tonight, just in this hotel room, when I said "Position," she would find her body squatting down all by itself, as if to pee. And she would be stuck there until I gave her the trigger, "Release". I also said that when I said the word "Wet" she would find that the urine would start to move through her system, and the more times I said it the less she would be able to hold it back.

After a few reinforcements, I woke her up and had her stand beside the bed. "Position." She squatted down. I asked her to try to stand up, and she couldn't. This was already fun. I pushed her face into the crotch of my jeans, since she was at just the right height.

"Release." She stood back up, and we kissed some more.

Eventually I said, "Shall we?" and she nodded. I led her into the bathroom and had her stand in the tub. She was still wearing her panties, which I roughly pulled down to her ankles.

"Position." I had butterflies in my stomach, and I was so turned on. "Wet. Wet. Wet. Wet." She squeezed her eyes shut and let out a whine. "It's happening, there's no way to stop it. You're going to wet yourself for me. Wet. Wet. Wet." I began stroking my hand down her bare torso, guiding it.

For a awhile she was just making faces and squirming. At last I saw a thin stream of pee going down, and heard it hitting the bathtub. Michelle's face was red.

I turned on the tap in the bathtub, and washed it away. "Release." I gave her my hand to stand up - it occurred to me that she had been squatting for a while. I said, "Do you want to sit on the toilet?" And she nodded.

She cleaned herself up, and, while I was standing in front of her, spontaneously leaned forward, unzipped my pants, and took out my cock. She put me in her mouth, and it didn't take long to get me off.

We cuddled on the bed together, luxuriating in the time we had before, absurdly, we each had other things to do. A time when saying, "That was...really something," seems entirely inadequate. But I said it anyway.

Learning That Women Are Kinky (But Not like I'm Kinky)

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Trancing On My Own: Preparation

I want to get into self-hypnosis, because I think it will make me a better hypnotist, and also help me in my life. As everyone who's experienced it knows, a trance leaves you feeling relaxed and great, and I'm intrigued (while skeptical) about the possibility of self-help post-hypnotic suggestions.

I am talking specifically about the kind of self hypnosis you can do quietly, by yourself, without an audio recording of an induction or a text-based induction to read. In this post I'm just going to focus on getting into trance, not how to best get post-hypnotic suggestions in.

I have barely tried it yet, so this post will pull together some resources I've encountered, and I hope people will share with me their own experience and tips with self-hypnosis, as well as other resources they know about.

The most extensive discussion of self-hypnosis I've found is in Roberta Temes' book The Complete Idiot's Guide to Hypnosis. If you can get past the title, and the somewhat irritating "Complete Idiots" formatting, there are some good beginner tips in here. Since she takes the position that no one should hypnotize without professional credentials, the focus is on preparing for a session with a hypnotherapist, and on self-hypnosis.

Here is her basic self-induction:

Set your timer for 10 minutes. Now you will start your induction into the hypnotic state by choosing a spot to stare at. It can be anywhere in your surroundings. Perhaps your spot will be a place on your wall, a picture frame, a crack on the ceiling, or something outside the window.

Good. Let's begin:

1. Lean back and make yourself comfortable.

2. Stare at your chosen spot.

3. Take several good, deep breaths.

4. Tell yourself that your body is feeling warmer and warmer.

5. Tell yourself that your body is getting heavier and heavier.

6. Allow yourself to slowly drift off into a state of deep relaxation.

7. Feel how warm, how comfortable, how heavy your body is becoming.

8. You are at peace; you are at rest.

9. From now until the timer gently awakens you, you will concentrate on feeling rested and relaxed, calm and comfortable.

10. Keep staring at your spot; stare and stare and stare.

11. Your body is quiet.

12. Your hands and feet are particularly warm and heavy. They may feel a bit tingly.

13. Give yourself permission to feel the relaxation spread throughout your body.

14. You'll soon close your eyes. You may concentrate on whatever pleasant image pops into your mind, or you may prefer to keep your mind a blank.

15. Gently close your eyes, and keep them closed until the timer rings.

When the timer rings, open your eyes and sit up. Slowly and gradually you can return your regular feelings to your body and to your mind. Take your time.

It's not clear exactly how one is meant to use this induction, if it isn't meant to be read aloud - surely you're not going to memorize all 15 points. I suppose it's just intended to convey a certain mood, and you can remember that.

There are a couple of variations:

See yourself on the bottom step of a staircase. It can be an old, plain staircase or a glamorous Las Vegas hotel staircase. It may be indoors or outside. It may be a staircase you use regularly or one from your imagination. See yourself slowly walking to the top. Tell yourself that when you reach the top you'll be deeply hypnotized. Tell yuorself that you'll count as you walk up. Begin with number one when you're at the bottom step and continue to count until number five, when you'll be at the top stpe. Remain on top, feeling relaxed and content.

When the timer rings, begin to walk down. With each step you take, begin to return your regular feelings to your mind and your body. When you reach the bottom stair you'll be back to regular.

and:

Visualize a restful, calming, outdoor scene. It may be a place that's familiar to you, or it may be one you've freamt about. In your mind's eye, whne you're deeply relaxed and feeling warm and heavy, allow yourself to see this scene clearly. Count to yourself from one to five. With each number, let yourself see an additional detail. When you reach the number five, you'll be deeply engrossed and absorbed in the scene. When the timer rings, you'll slowly emerge and come back to regular.

Finally, in the chapter about self-hypnosis for sleep, there's a script with some great tactile imagery:

1. See yourself on a small, private beach.

2. You are sitting on the shore watching the water.

3. You are absentmindedly coating your legs with mud.

4. And now you are covering the rest of your body with mud.

5. The mud is wet. The mud is heavy. See the mud on your arms and on your legs.

6. Your chest and stomach and back are covered with mud, too. Your body feels heavy from the weight of the mud.

7. The mud is weighing you down. You are heavier and heavier. Feel the heaviness as you sink deeper and deeper.

8. Your body is so heavy you cannot move.

9. The mud weighs you down. You lie still. You are calm.

10. You are cool. You are comfortable. Your body is so heavy you do not move...you do not open your eyes...your eyes close and you sleep...and you sleep...and you sleep.

11. Pleasant dreams and good night. You are sleeping so comfortably, so peacefully.

As for other resources, Wiseguy, in his insanely great erotic hypnosis book Mind Play, has a nice simple one - easy to memorize:

1. Settle into a comfortable position in a quiet, private place.  I recommend a comfortable chair, possibly a recliner or an easy chair, but you can also use your bed or sofa; I've had people who practice self-hypnosis while sitting on their favorite yoga mat on the floor.  Whatever you choose is fine, but ideally it should support your body fully in a comfortable position.

2. Take a few long, slow, deep breaths.  Inhale completely, filling your lungs all the way, and hold it for a few seconds.  Then slowly let the breath out until your lungs are empty.   This is relaxing in itself and should help to clear your mind.

3. Look at a clock or watch, moving as little as possible, and note the time.  Tell yourself, “I will practice my self-hypnosis for the next X minutes and then come completely back, fully awake and alert.”  Start with just a few minutes, no more than 10; with practice you can work your way up to longer sessions.

4. Now close your eyes and imagine becoming a rag doll, every muscle loose and relaxed. Starting with your feet and working up to the top of your head, focus on each muscle group in turn and relax those muscles as much as you possibly can.  Don't worry about whether you are actually going into trance or not; just focus on relaxing your body as much as possible. You want to feel as though each body part is too relaxed to move.

5. Now imagine that the area behind your closed eyelids is a completely blank screen, like a movie screen, and that every conscious thought you have creates a spark of light on that screen.  Focus on keeping the screen as clear as possible.

6. At some point, you will suddenly become alert again.  Open your eyes and look at the clock.

(reprinted with permission)

I once ran across a nice short description of someone's self-hypnosis on a Fetlife forum, which I can't find again to credit them, due to the frustrating lack of a search feature. I only copied the heart of the text:

 floating on my back in a pool. I can feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, the water lapping onto my stomach. I open my eyes and see the clouds moving slowly across the sky…cirrocumulus, so no chance of rain. So I close my eyes and just feel the warmth and slightly bob along the water...

If someone recognizes it, please let me know so I can give credit. The main point it got across to me is that as with regular hypnosis, everyone is different in the language, imagery, and general approach that are most effective for them. It will take some work to craft it for you.

I think we can also learn about self-hypnosis from meditation. Here is the simplest, most generic possible mindfulness meditation, from The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal. This is also the only one of these I have practiced, 5 minutes at a time a few times a week, and it does feel wonderful.

1. Sit still and stay put .
Sit in a chair with your feet flat on the ground, or sit cross-legged on a cushion. Sit up straight and rest your hands in your lap. It’s important not to fidget when you meditate—that’s the physical foundation of self-control. If you notice the instinct to scratch an itch, adjust your arms, or cross and uncross your legs, see if you can feel the urge but not follow it. This simple act of staying still is part of what makes meditation willpower training effective. You’re learning not to automatically follow every single impulse that your brain and body produce.

2. Turn your attention to the breath.
Close your eyes or, if you are worried about falling asleep,
focus your gaze at a single spot (like a blank wall, not the Home Shopping Network). Begin to notice your breathing. Silently say in your mind “inhale” as you breathe in and “exhale” as you breathe out. When you notice your mind wandering (and it will), just bring it back to the breath. This practice of coming back to the breath, again and again, kicks the prefrontal cortex into high gear and quiets the stress and craving centers of your brain .

3. Notice how it feels to breathe, and notice how the mind wanders.
After a few minutes, drop the labels “inhale/exhale.” Try focusing on just the feeling of breathing. You might notice the sensations of the breath flowing in and out of your nose and mouth. You might sense the belly or chest expanding as you breathe in, and deflating as you breathe out. Your mind might wander a bit more without the labeling. Just as before, when you notice yourself thinking about something else, bring your attention back to the breath. If you need help refocusing, bring yourself back to the breath by saying “inhale” and “exhale” for a few rounds. This part of the practice trains self-awareness along with self-control.

I found a variation of this in John Kabat-Zinn's Full Catastrophe living:

EXERCISE 1
1. Assume a comfortable posture lying on your back or sitting. If you are sitting, as best you can sit in a posture that embodies dignity, keeping the spine straight and letting your shoulders drop.

2. Allow your eyes to close, if it feels comfortable to you.

3. Allow your attention to gently alight on your belly, as if you were coming upon a shy animal sunning itself on a tree stump in a clearing in the forest. Feel your belly rise or expand gently on the inbreath, and fall or recede on the outbreath.

4. As best you can, maintain the focus on the various sensations associated with breathing, “being with” each inbreath for its full duration and “being with” each outbreath for its full duration, as if you were riding the waves of your own breathing.

5. Every time you notice that your mind has wandered off the breath, notice what it was that carried you away, and then gently bring your attention back to your belly and to the sensations associated with the breath coming in and with the breath going out.

6. If your mind wanders away from the breath a thousand times, then your "job" is simply to notice what is on your mind at the moment that you come to realize that it is no longer on your breathing, and then to bring your attention back to the breath each and every time, no matter what it becomes preoccupied with. As best you can, continually rest in the awareness of the feeling of the breath moving in and out of the body, or come back to it over and over again.

What is in fact the difference between meditation and self-hypnosis? It's a tough question. I would say that some types of meditation, especially guided imagery ones, are identical to hypnosis, but I think mindfulness meditation might feel different than the typical styles of hypnosis. I think it may be a more alert, outward-focused feeling, and less zonked. But that's a gross generalization. Even if they were equivalent but for the language, though, language is important. For example just labelling it hypnosis could make it more involving for some people - especially if they are hypnofetishists! For a subset of those people, it might help them to frame it as training to be more responsive for a hypnotic dominant partner (real or potential).

Some more points that kept coming up in these discussions:

• Self-hypnosis is a lot easier if you've been in a good trance before. So one reason to work with a live hypnotist (or a recording) even if you have some misgivings and plan to focus on self-hypnosis.
• It gets better with practice, and many of these folks advocate practicing every day.
• The first time might not be so deep - don't worry too much about whether you're "really" hypnotized.

So I think I'm ready to begin my experiments, which I'll report back. A couple of the people I introduced to hypnosis as subjects have taken up self-hypnosis, much to my delight, so I should try to catch up! But again, I'd love to hear your experience and tips with trancing on your own.

Hypnosis in Ireland

I met SteedIRL (his Fetlife handle) at NEEHU, a dapper Irish gent in white goatee, pinstripe suit and homberg hat, and we had a fascinating conversation about how hypnosis might be combined with traditional Irish storytelling. Subsequently I got a kick out of his most irreverent use of Fetlife, and followed his efforts to learn about hypnosis, and to plant the seeds of hypnokink in Dublin and Belfast. Since my summer vacation took me somewhat nearby, I made it a priority to hang out with him and talk to Irish kinksters about hypnosis. Before I knew it, he'd created an event, and people were signing up!

I couldn't have wished for a better host, or better company. Soon after I got off the bus, we were on our way to the Palace bar, which was next thing to home for Flann O'Brien and other Irish literary greats. This was a tremendous thrill for me - in fact SteedIRL was the first (and to date, only) person to recognize that my pseudonym is derived from O'Brien's The Third Policeman. Which made me like him immediately.

There were more wonderful historic bars that weekend, and more pints of Guinness than I have ever drunk in a 48 hour period. SteedIRL is a terrific conversationalist, and we got into talking about art and literature as much as  kink and hypnosis - in fact on the saturday before the study group, we hit both an art gallery and a performance of selections from classic Irish plays and books.

That afternoon six of us gathered in the back room of a coffee shop, and there was a wonderful enthusiasm in the air for learning about erotic hypnosis. Even though SteedIRL and I are relative beginners, it was nice to feel like we had something to share, with folks who were practically brand new to hypnosis and to the idea that it could go together with sex and BDSM.

I was glad to get practice with the inevitable question about the risks of hypnosis - I did ok, but I think I could have put it more concisely using the concept of RACK, Risk Aware Consensual Kink: like everything that falls under BDSM, there is a fair amount of trust and knowledge required, but as long as communication is extensive and partners' agency is taken seriously, adults can consent to do these activities with each other, for the sake of large amounts of pleasure and interest.

I hypnotized a volunteer in the class, using what I've come to think of as the blunt instrument of inductions, the Elman induction - even if you just met the person, and they're new to being hypnotized, this will probably work. Wiseguy even used it when he came to present in Boston (you can find an excellent script for it in his book, Mind Play). It went very well, just a demonstration of going into and coming out of trance, and he even said that the heartburn he'd felt coming on before the study group had receded!  Even better was SteedIRL's demonstration of a couple of kinky human tricks with an established hypno partner of his.

Some of us went to yet another pub, where I learned that North Americans are famous for saying "awesome" a lot, and that the Irish equivalent is "grand", or for extra emphasis, "savage!"

That night I got turned away at the door of the big Dublin kink party, Nimhneach. I'd packed dressy clothes but not fetishy clothes, and I didn't meet their dress code. The door guy said the only way I could get in was if I took off my shirt and put bondage tape on my chest - amusingly, that is apparently their equivalent of the emergency dinner jacket at a high class restaurants - but I demurred. SteedIRL had warned me amply, and I fully support their dress policy. But it still stung, like a real-life version of those sweaty dreams about having to write an exam that you for some reason didn't get around to preparing for. Next time I will come correct, in a way that expresses who I am as a kinkster.

After more great conversation (and Guinness) with SteedIRL on Sunday, I was on my way to the next leg of my vacation - just as awesome, although not kink-based. I'm really starved for that kind of talk, absent my Boston Hypno Munch and study group meetings. Any time two hypnotists get together there are always lots of wonderful new ideas generated.

I'm so excited for SteedIRL's efforts to develop hypnokink in Ireland. As everywhere, there is some understandable caution, since it's such a new concept for most people, but that's an opportunity to talk about a modern, explicit-consent-based approach - a very different picture of hypnosis than the one people get from fiction and stage shows. And it's so cool to think of a uniquely Irish brand of hypnokink beginning, from many new hypnotists and subjects, learning and developing. I stressed to the Irish kinksters I met that as far as I can see, right now is ground zero for this new dimension of BDSM, and there are so many possibilities yet to be explored.

Don't Lower Your Expectations: Something I Learned from the Premiere of Serenity

A lot of people have independently come up with the idea that it is wise to lower your expectations, so as to avoid disappointment. For example, here's a chart by a videogame reviewer I like, about how you shouldn't get excited about upcoming videogame releases. Or as John Cusack says to Lily Taylor in Say Anything: "You probably got it all figured out, Corey. If you start out depressed, everything's  kind of a pleasant surprise."

I think this approach is wrong, because of when I watched Serenity, on opening night, August 22, 2005. I was a huge Firefly fan, and both enjoyed myself and tortured myself watching those short 14 episodes over and over, so I looked forward to that date for months. My expectations were that the movie would be fucking awesome, and the movie far exceeded my expectations. And that's the greatest feeling. (and I got it again for Avengers!)

So, you don't get to have that feeling if you lower your expectations. That's it. That's my whole argument.

But I'll also say: what's so bad about disappointment? Disappointment is a human emotion. Let yourself be disappointed. I've heard depression described not as feeling sad, but as not being able to feel anything. I'm glad I went to Star Wars Episode I on opening night. I'm glad my expectations were high. The crappiness of that movie knocked me on my ass like a rogue wave, and I treasure that memory. It made a scar that I share with every fellow generation X nerd. And this of course applies to non-trivial, grownup disappointments, even more so. Letting yourself get hurt connects you with other people.

Also, by the way, how do you feel when you're holding down your expectations? When you're cautiously measuring out your optimism? Do you feel lively and vibrant? Are you excited to get up in the morning? I'm guessing not so much. Why deny yourself the pleasure of looking forward to things?

The one caveat is don't create too detailed a picture of how it will be awesome. Because it will be different from that. Like my kink time in Boston. It was so much more awesome than I ever expected, but in very surprising ways. If you don't get fixated on individual imagined details, you're free to appreciate the awesomeness in whatever form it comes in.

All things being equal, I say set your expectations high. You have no idea where the top is. Think about the possibility of a party, scene, person, period of your life, being better than anything you've ever known.

Or as Lily Taylor says to John Cusack in Say Anything: "Get ready for greatness, Lloyd."

A Canadian Kinkster in Milan

Last weekend I travelled to Milan and met a bunch of kinksters - my first kink activity in a long time! I got invited by the two guys who started the Italian erotic hypnosis Fetlife group - only two weeks old when I found it! - who are @SMdiClasse and @Sleipnir8, and responded to my laboriously translated introduction message.

So I got off at the mind-meltingly huge, Mussolini-era train station with a few butterflies in my stomach: new city in Italy, new people, and, after all, my entree is weird sex stuff. But the moment I got to the venue, @tom_del_fiume and SMdiClasse's slave @plastika greeted me warmly, and went out of their way to make me feel like the group wanted me there. And it's hard to think of a group I've liked more on first encounter.

This was my first munch of any kind outside of Boston, let alone outside of the United States, so I was very interested to see what it was like. The Milan munch definitely is a step up from the Boston munches in ambience - but that's not hard, considering in Boston they are mostly held in brightly lit mall food courts. The munch-goers had taken over the entire downstairs room of a loungy bar, making for a moodier, sexier setting. (although one attendee confided to me, "I am a punk! I can't stand this!") I would say people were more sharply dressed on average, which added to the sexiness. There was casual drinking, which was interesting. I have noticed that alcohol is a staple of social life here, but rarely with the intention of getting drunk. I thought to myself, let's see how the munch thing feels different with a cocktail. I ordered something called a "Sbagliato" - which translates to "mistake". Not a mistake. But a powerful beverage!

The people were instantly friendly and awesome, sharing a lot about kink life in Italy and asking me lots of questions about myself. There were a couple of dozen people, averaging around 30. The mixture of free spiritedness and nerdiness (yes, Doctor Who is also massive here) sure reminded me of why so much of my social life in Boston switched over to hanging out with kinksters.

And people were very nice about language - I could indulge my primitive Italian a little, but was mostly steered towards the people who had the best english (though most of them were pretty good). But they taught me some valuable vocabulary over the weekend: "mi faccio una sega", which is to jerk off, from the verb for sawing wood; "alla cazzo di cane", which means "to do something as with a dog's dick," i.e. not well; and "troietta", which translates to something like "my little whore". Interestingly, very much of the Italian kink vocabulary is in english, for example "impact play", indicating its origin in American kink culture.

Sleipnir8 and SMiDiClasse got there later, and it was a treat to finally meet them. They are the two people beginning to experiment with erotic hypnosis in the scene there, which is tremendously exciting for me, and there was so much to discuss.

Sleipnir8 and I got invited to a play party after the munch, and that was another fascinating experience. About 10 of us in an apartment living room, and as in Boston, the evening began with friendly chat and joking around, then showing off of implements and playful hitting. Then more earnest hitting and ropey play, with different degrees of nudity (but without anything too sexual, at least in the traditional sense). So I felt right at home! Specifically, it was like my favourite regular party in Somerville, MA. The most noticeable differences of the evening: indoor smoking, Proseco, and espressos.

The people told me that the Italian kink scene has grown rapidly in the last few years, though mostly confined to the big cities such as Milan and Rome. I could see the enormous influence of the American kink framework, I'm sure mostly through Fetlife and other American websites, and yet they are working on a high level. They're experienced with the impact toys we know and love, as well as fire play and electrical play. As for rope bondage, I saw what seemed to my eye to be an expert TK, and a suspension.

I was a little curious about whether the Italian scene would be more old-fashioned when it came to gender roles. I'm sure that is a complex question, but on a surface level anyway, I'm happy to say there were at least two non-male riggers, as well as non-male topping.

I spent Saturday walking around Milan, peering in the windows of the big brands like Prada and Gucci (did not dare go inside, dressed in tourist garb as I was - though with spiral t-shirt) and looking at art and architecture. I especially loved the wrought ironwork and the intricate masonry details everywhere, monster faces and gods peering out of the corners of every building.

It made me reflect that kink and high culture make for a nice combination. Of course Boston has beauty and culture, but when I think of it I think more often of food court food, the Red Sox, and American nerd pop culture references. Part of that, and part of the gap between BDSM in real life and in the romantic depictions of it, is simply to do with money. That porn is to some extent also lifestyle porn. In my circumstances I can barely think about buying a couch, let alone sumptuous old-world furnishings of a red den of sinfulness! I only get to live in Italy because of peculiar circumstances of my career. But even in a regular young-person apartment like in the play party, with Game of Thrones and X-Box games on the shelves, I felt like art, history and various sensual refinements from the city outside seeped in and formed the backdrop.

In the evening on Saturday I went to SMdiClasse's gorgeous apartment with a view of the city, for a somewhat hypnosis-themed dinner party and hangout. It was wonderful to get to know all these folks, sitting on the balcony with its luscious collection of herbs and vegetables, and there was a good amount of hypnosis talk, as well as talk about all manner of things. I definitely caught myself tuning out when there was a lot of fast Italian, but it was very good for my learning, and when I come back next I will be better equipped.

As with the night before, I had a chance to give a short hypnosis demonstration. Neither went very impressively, but people were polite and interested, and asked a lot of great questions. I brought Wiseguy's Mind Play and talked it up to everyone. Nevertheless I haven't yet suceeded at showing off what I find so amazing about erotic hypnosis. I am learning that even outside of language issues (which I will write about some time), there are a lot of challenges with preparing a hypnosis demo with a new group.

However, Sleipnir8 told me that at the big Sunday afternoon party - which I unfortunately had to miss due to work - he and his submissive had a lot of sexy fun with a "simon says" trigger. So he picked up the slack!

What a fantastic time. I'm so grateful to my hosts, and to everyone for being so crazy welcoming. Can't wait to go back.

Hypnosis in an Italian Horror Comic

It's been over two months since I last hypnotized someone. But it hasn't bothered me so much, since I have a new country to learn about and enjoy, with all its new ways, including a new language. I'm getting into Italian comics, partly as a way to learn the language, and partly because they're very cool. Where 90% of mainstream American comics are superhero comics, or Archie, Italian comics or "fumetti" have current, popular titles in mystery, old west, adventure, science fiction, and horror. And comics are more popular: Italian, Japanese, French, and the occasional American comic are found in every newstand and convenience store.

My favourite right now is a stylish Italian horror comic called Dylan Dog, about an investigator of supernatural terrors living in London. It's making me realize I've barely even seen horror comics, growing up in North America, and I can't help but be impressed by disturbing/awesome pre-Comics Code Authority imagery such as:

And not just monsters either, but incredibly brutal human violence:

These are all from an issue that fell into my hands, called La Meta Oscura, and just by chance it has hypnosis content!

At the beginning of the story, which is about 96 pages long, several people have been caught at the scenes of grisly murders, still holding the murder weapons, with no memory of what happened. This boy, for example, murdered his whole family with a straight razor. The book took several pages to depict this. (paging Dr. Wertham)

But when these people are hypnotized and regressed back to the time of the murders, they remember standing to the side, helpless, while a horrifying beast committed those same violent acts! Each one has their own particular monster, e.g. the gorilla, the skinless ghoul and so on.

The hypnosis is absolutely classical, performed by a paternalistic, pipe-smoking psychologist

using a pocketwatch and language that was easy for me to recognize.

For me, the most eerie and upsetting story turn was when the suspects start killing themselves in custody - which is, from their perspective, their beast avatars mournfully euthanizing them. Like this super creepy space alien:

(by the way, back in reality he is injecting himself with a syringe full of air. Ugh!)

It turns out the hypnotist was behind it all along! Did you guess?

Dylan Dog realized that the boy used the doctor's name under hypnosis, when the two had supposedly never met before. All the murderers were experimental subjects of the psychiatrist, who didn't remember his hypnotic experiments. His goal was to cure the "monster that is in all of us, the dark half, the disproportionate aggressiveness that the human carries inside despite millions of years of evolution". But to do that, he first had to "liberate it". And when he started getting great results with his patients:

he took a slight turn for the insane. He even hypnotized Dylan Dog without his knowledge or consent!

I found it to be a creepy, satisfying tale, even the way it was resolved, blaming it all on hypnosis. What's interesting to me is that this comic came out in the mid 90s, and is pitched towards teenagers and adults (at least I hope so). In North America these days, you would only see hypnosis - of the watch-swinging variety, not mind control by magic or technology - used as a device in stories for young children, and even then they would have a slightly retro feel. There have been periods where there was a lot of interest in hypnosis in America, like the 1950s. But I'll bet the average person, if they ever think of hypnosis, thinks it's boring bullshit. So they're not afraid of it.

My Italian friend on Fetlife told me it's different here. There is a fear of hypnosis in the culture, such that people have been kicked out of kink events just for being into it, since it's assumed they want to use it for sexual assault. If an educated person had even a 10% belief that what happens in this comic is possible, then it makes sense. 

In fact, my friend pointed out that hypnosis is even mentioned in the Italian criminal code, or codice penale, as written in 1930, which you can verify for yourself on the Italian wikipedia page for hypnosis. From Google Translate:

Hypnosis as health intervention (both as a psychological intervention-clinical and / or psychotherapy , or as therapy for diseases with organic component or as a pain therapy) should be practiced only by those who are entitled to pursue a health care profession .
...
Article. 613 of the Penal Code punishes anyone who by suggestion in the waking or hypnotic, narcotic or alcoholic substances poses a person, without the consent of you, in a state of ' inability to understand or want .
...
 Anyone who puts anybody, with his consent, in a state of narcosis or hypnotism or run on the same treatment that suppresses the consciousness or will be punished, if the act results in danger to the safety of the person...

Without reading the original code, this actually seems reasonable. I feel strongly that hypnotherapy should be left to people with extensive training in therapy, and that no one should be hypnotized without their informed consent.

But I still feel like it may be reflective of some misplaced fears about hypnosis. Although I do think there are ways that it can be abused, and this is something the hypnokink community is always debating, people who I've hypnotized all report the feeling that it's really a collaboration between us, and that they felt completely able to reject suggestions, and bring themselves out of  trance, any time they like. Most remembered everything that happened during the session, unless amnesia was something we specifically worked on (and negotiated a much higher level of consent for). And other hypnotists I've talked to report much the same thing. Hypnosis isn't mind control, and it just doesn't work at all like it does in Dylan Dog. Any more than it contains accurate information for dealing with vampires (that's a good way to get killed by a vampire).

I might have a chance to do some study groups here in Italy soon. Basically the message I want to tell people, is that although hypnosis isn't risk free, it can be managed between trusting adults within the framework of Risk Aware Consensual Kink. I doubt I could turn you, mentally, into a 12 foot tall dragon, but if I did, it would be only with your clear-eyed and enthusiastic consent and cooperation - and it would probably be a friendly dragon!

The Only Pickup Artist You Should Ever Listen To

The other day, I was at a munch where there was a pickup artist. I know this, because he was acting weird: he sat down beside me at the beginning of the munch and then, without saying hello, immediately changed his seat to one between two women at the other end of the table; in an argument later, he tried to get me into a "yes set"; and a female friend told me about his weird pressurized approach to her. He also describes himself as a pickup artist on his Fetlife profile (which my friend described as reading like those "the man your man could smell like" commercials).

How can you improve your social skills, and your chances of getting to enjoy your kink with people you're attracted to, without getting into this kind of junk? Is all pick up artist stuff poison?

I don't think so, and I say that as someone who had some *very* embarassing behaviour in my early 20s after reading The Game. Besides how entertaining that book is, I give it credit for eventually leading me to a guy I have learned a lot from, Wayne Elise.

Fair warning: he communicates within the pick up artist framework, with some of its goal-directedness, using some of the jargon, and assuming heteronormativity in talking about approaching "girls". If that stuff, or any association with pickup artists, bums you out, you should skip this. (and I will say up front that after marinating in gender studies and consent culture for a little while there are plenty of little things he says I'm not crazy about)

But I find that beneath that surface, it's a whole different approach, and one that is chill rather than toxic, and applies to social interaction in general.

This interview is a nice introduction:

(but what the heck is the other guy doing with his body language? Being "alpha"?)

And here's a relevant quote from a much longer, more technical video:

"I don't advocate going into a bar and pissing off half the bar. I don't advocate going in and acting strange and weird to people....the last thing a girl wants is someone who's goofy. Who can't socialize. Because they're approached by those kind of guys all the time."

Basically the philosophy, which is also discussed on his website charismaarts.com, is that to have good interactions, you figure out how to help people open up, be real with you, and show off what's cool about themselves. Then you reward them for that. And you share back, relating real stuff about yourself like emotions and perceptions, and you go for this equal back and forth exchange of energy. And that's the kind of thing that makes a spark.

He also talks a lot about how to reveal sexual interest, in a clear but non-creepy way. I think this speaks wonderfully to consent-conscious dating. And it easily extends to making play connections in the kink world.

What this stuff is not about is locking onto "hotties" like a torpedo and ignoring everyone else, nor is it about "negging" or steamrolling people with  unnatural routines memorized from a book.

I owe a lot to this philosophy, and the many little social interaction tips around it. When you interact with me you're seeing social skills that I've been working on for at least 7 years with these tips in mind. Ok, I'm still plenty awkward sometimes. But just be glad you're not talking to my 20 ish self. Unless you're really into Buffy plot summaries.

Should I be nervous about revealing that I have a guru who used to go by the handle "Juggler"? (that's more innocent than it sounds: he used to juggle for a living) Here's a good filter for whether a pickup artist technique is scuzzy: would you like to have it used on you? And I think that works for me and charisma arts stuff. I want to be asked "fat questions", and only ones that my partner is interested in the answer to. I want people to use "the vacuum" on me (that's where you ask a fat question and then just wait, however long it takes for them to give you some kind of answer). I want people to notice when I say something unique and compelling, and for that to be the reason things get a little sexier between us. And so on.

And rather than there being a predatory, sneaky feeling to it, where you can be "busted", it works *better* if both people have this stuff in mind! The ideal of interaction is very much like improv: totally in the moment, playful, personal, authentic, and built by collaboration.

I have to say that kink people I've met are a lot closer to this ideal in conversation, because it's normal to talk about this deep authentic part of ourselves, our turn-ons. And from there it's easy to talk about more real stuff. And we just seem comfortable going to more experimental and playful places in conversation.

If you're interested in Wayne Elise, there aren't that many other resources I can point you to - unlike most people who teach social skills online, Wayne Elise seems to spend the majority of his time out there enjoying his life and varied interests, not crafting marketing emails or making up new things to buy. The youtube videos are of variable interest, and most of his serious written materials are now hard to find. Some good ones are reproduced, probably without permission, here. I especially like this one about the importance of getting happiness out of your interactions. And yes, I just have more *fun* talking to people than I used to. After a while it was like, how did everyone around me get so interesting and sexy all of a sudden?

Just please, if you click those links, do not read the ads. And do not read stuff by other pickup artists. You're much better off with who you are right now.

JUMP IN: Community is What Will Make Your Life Good

I've been listening to this song a lot this year, because a) it's awesome, and b) I love the theme: jump in. Here are these three sexy, vibrant women, the Pointer sisters, saying I'm here, you can have all this goodness - but you have to close the gap. If you want my kisses in the night, then JUMP.

So I'm saying: JUMP IN to a face-to-face kink community. Take a risk to make your fantasies come true.

Walk into that munch. Drive to that kink con. Buy that plane ticket. Jump.

Why face to face?

• Kink takes trust. It's easier to start trusting people face to face.
• You get automatic points for being brave. And you get to hang out with other brave people.
• You're more likely to be talking with the person, rather than your fantasy of who they are. And vice versa.
• You'll be living in the *place* where you are, and that's great.

When you see the same group of people regularly, amazing things happen. It doesn't even have to be kink. (But that's a good one, for the complete acceptance and ferocious growth and exploration.)

Jump doesn't mean you can't prepare. If it's the Boston scene, read this (all of it). Read essays on Fetlife and other kink related sites like pervocracy and kinkopedia. Work on your social skills. But then, pretty soon, jump.

You might have to move closer to a big city.

Is there something weird you crave, that you've never been able to say out loud? By the end of your first month you'll have said it to more people you would have ever imagined. Not only will you realize it's not that weird, by two months you'll wish you were into *more* weird things. By six months, you will be.

Don't worry about pairing up for your first long while. Just soak it all in, enjoy, and get to know people. Their connections are just mindbogglingly complicated. But there's a place for you.

The scene is not safe. Many of my friends have been harmed, and there's no real way to protect yourself. All I can say is that the ones that I know loved it so much that they found their way back, even after getting hurt.

And I am so grateful that I jumped. So grateful for the preposterous things that happened to me over the course of a year and a half in Boston, the sexual and the nonsexual memories, mostly thanks to a couple dozen people I met who often hung out on the top floor of a house in Somerville. (not to mention the people I met hanging out at a terrible Italian restaurant)

Fuck Netflix and HBO. Fuck having a great apartment, or even looking for a great boyfriend/girlfriend/master/sub. Community is what will make your life good. That's what you should put your strength into.

Community is what builds amazing things: knowledge, events, innovation. And stories, jokes, memories, people you care about desperately. Being the best, and usually only, way to meet people for whatever you have in mind is practically a side bonus. And there will be conflict, and awkwardness, and sadness: you know, all the things that happen when you care. The stuff that makes for a life with stories worth telling.

Join community or make it. (Yes, *you* can create community). Do your best to add to it and help it be better. The first one you try might not be where you end up.

But it all starts with that leap, where you walk into a room and say hello.

Jump, jump, jump. Take me out Pointer Sisters!

Fixation Objects I Have Used to Hypnotize People

I know a lot of inductions now, but I still love to use the eye fixation induction, because it's a classic, because it pushes my hypnofetish buttons with the blank staring and slower and slower blinks, and because it works great with most people I've tried it with. But once I realized practically anything can be used as a fixation object, I started to have fun with the possibilities. Hypnosis partners of mine have gone into trance looking at:

• A glass crystal
• A plastic crystal
• A candle flame
• My eyes
• An optical illusion designed by a psychologist to create a sense of movement
• A t-shirt
• Light reflected on the surface of the Charles River
• An animated gif playing on my smartphone
• The eyes of a stuffed toy monkey

Oddly enough, never a pocket watch.

In honour of the fact that I have fixed commenting on the blogspot version of this blog, you should comment or retumbl with any unusual fixation objects you have used, or if you have any thoughts about the eye fixation induction!

Hypnosis at the Museum of Fine Arts

Ever since the adventure with the kinetic sculpture gallery, I've wanted to combine art appreciation with hypnosis again, so I was very pleased when Cassi told me she had thought of me on a visit to the Museum of Fine Arts, and would like to go back with me and look at paintings while hypnotized.

So we finally made it happen, only days before my big move out of the country. It was fun to be in the lobby with Cassi knowing we had a secret mission - again, I feel lucky that this interest is something I can pursue in unusual locales, including out in plain sight, without being discovered or imposing on other people.

We found a closed-off nook with its own painting, and went through some warmup trances. As on the other occasion, I had her practice going into trance standing up, and then with her eyes open. I gave her a discreet post-hypnotic trigger that when I pointed to a painting and tapped her on the shoulder, her eyes would close, she would go into trance, and then open her eyes and become extremely engrossed in that painting. It would become more and more real and vivid to her, and more and more fascinating. The painting would seem to surround her and become her world. Then another trigger would gently bring her out of it.

Cassi's reaction when we practiced with the painting in the nook was interesting and surprising to me. After going into trance, she took a couple of steps forward, and I could see her eyes moving around the painting - things that I didn't think people in trance could do, of their own volition. Her face went through a whole cycle of expressions, mostly in the vein of happiness and awe.

So to an observer, she would have only looked like someone who was really, really into a painting. Great. On the other hand, I felt confident that she was really going into trance, because of a few external signs:

•  Her blinking rate went way down.
•  When awoken, she blinked and reoriented herself.
•  She swayed a little. (I would whisper suggestions in her ear that her unconscious would take care of her balance for her)
•  No checking back with me.

Being pleased with this, I proposed another post-hypnotic trigger I had thought of just that day. When I said the phrase "attract mode on", she would enter a state that would be superficially unchanged, but her subconscious would be on the lookout for artworks that she would enjoy trancing in front of. When she spotted one, she would lose her train of thought, fixate on it, and walk helplessly towards it. Once at a good viewing distance, she would go into a trance as with the other trigger. And this would keep happening, never selecting the same artwork twice, until I said "attract mode off".

She liked this idea, so I took a little time to install the trigger and reinforce it, and we set off into the museum!

Carpenter's Wheel, Gerald Roy

I had some misconceptions about what she wanted at first, which shows the importance of listening and readjusting as a top. I said we should go and check out the exhibit of brightly coloured and geometric quilts first, since many already seemed to have striking hypnotic patterns in them! We tried the first trigger successfully with a few of these, but then she explained that what she really wanted was to lose herself in natural scenes - representational art rather than op art. She also said that she wanted to bring herself out of the art trances rather than have me decide how long to leave her there. That had been my first instinct, because I thought it would place an extra burden on her to monitor the time she was taking, and that she wouldn't want control over that. But in fact her unconscious was easily able to tell when she was ready to be done with a painting.

Lake Nemi, 1872, George Inness

So we went to the Impressionist galleries - walking briskly through rooms of dour, dark religious art - and then to general 19th century European and American galleries. Cassi had strong ideas about which paintings she wanted to trance to, and rejected many of them before settling on one. Which was important, since there was a significant time investment for each one - difficult to estimate, but probably in the ballpark of 5 minutes - and sadly we only had a couple of hours in the museum.

Over time, Cassi told me many interesting things about what it felt like to be in trance with these paintings. She said she knew she was in a different state because she had no desire to read the explanatory text, which she usually reads first. She also said she had no awareness of the frame, which she also usually noticed quite a bit. Instead she would really feel herself in the scene, hearing sounds, smelling things, and even feeling emotions.

Rocky Coast and Gulls, 1836, Winslow Homer

In one striking case, she told me upon awakening, "I was so worried about that boat!" And I said, "What boat?" And she pointed it out to me (in the painting below), nearly invisible on the horizon. Her hyperfocus had discovered it and made it an integral part of the emotional content.

Running Before the Storm, 1870, unknown

I found that it was a wonderful experience standing next to her and looking at the paintings (while checking on her from time to time). I almost never look at paintings that long, and I found myself losing myself in the brushstrokes and feeling of space just like Cassi. I think I'll always remember at least some of the paintings we looked at.

At one point I happened to look across the room at a tour group, where the guide was pointing out her standard list of observations for a painting. Some technical notes, and a few historical and biographical facts. This seemed very wrongheaded to me all of a sudden, and I felt like the hypnotic response must be much closer to what the artist would have wanted: a totally nonintellectual, nonverbal, sensual immersion in the painting.

Mother and Child in a Boat, 1892, Edmund Charles Tarbell

Then with only a little time left, we agreed to use "attract mode". We walked quickly through a bunch of rooms, chatting, while I surreptitiously eyed the paintings coming up and wondering when one would "activate" her.

Then in the 3rd room we went into, all of a sudden she broke off what she was saying and walked wordlessly away from me to a painting on the far side of the gallery. Apart from the enjoyment I get out of observing any trance, this was the one thing that afternoon that I found a little sexy in the hypnokink way. I liked that she was captured and compelled by the art.

This happened about three more times, on one occasion extremely briefly. On one memorable occasion, we were chatting normally close to a big painting, when she fell silent - the painting hadn't done it for her at first, but then at some point tipped over to activating a trance. The unconscious is mysterious!

Gulf of Spezia, 1884, Henry Newman

We both wished we could have had a few hours more, but it was still terrific. I had an idea as we were about to part ways, for who knows how long. Sitting in the car with her, I said, would to be able to turn "attract mode" on for yourself, as a permanent post-hypnotic trigger? And Cassi loved the idea.

I had never set out to give someone a permanent post-hypnotic suggestion before, and it was both solemn and exciting. I dropped her back into trance, and gave that same suggestion, except with more repetition, and triggered by her saying the phrase silently to herself. Then I added more safety suggestions, such as that it would turn off by itself automatically in case she forgot, that it would not be active while driving, and so forth.

I told her, in trance, that it's a myth that post-hypnotic suggestions have to fade. In fact, if you enjoy them, they can stay just as strong, days, weeks, and even years later, and might even get stronger with time. I asked her to imagine the suggestion working just as powerfully for her years down the line. She told me afterward she had even pictured herself on her deathbed, asking for a painting and going into trance viewing it. Wow.

A couple of weeks later, she told me that she had taken another trip to the MFA, and it worked! Even though Cassi and I were not romantic partners, I feel very good about having this strong, permanent connection with her. It's such a strange thing, but a beautiful thing too. And learning hypnosis made it possible.

Guest post: Tick Tock (A Post-Hypnotic Clothing Fetish)

This blog has been more intellectual and less sexual lately. Let's change that. I got the idea from Lee Allure of giving partners new (temporary) clothing fetishes via post-hypnotic suggestion, but the results were hotter than I could have ever anticipated. This is not erotic fiction; this really happened. (email posted with permission)
--
It began like any normal day.
Not wanting to get out of bed, rushing my way out the door.
Jumping on the bus. Headed to work, another drone day.
And then I saw a cute guy on the bus, he was texting on his phone. Hands up and shirt cuffs pulled back due to the reach of his arm.
There it was, his watch. For me to blatantly see. It was instant, and until that moment the thought of a watch did not even cross my mind, but at that very moment my pussy twitched and my mind went elsewhere.
I smiled, a pleasant reminder that you were inside my mind. That you gave me the desire to run my hands down this strangers dress pants.
As I continued on to through the subway I saw two more watches. Both on men that normally wouldn't excite me. But it was uncontrollable, much like smelling the cologne of an ex, it conjured up memories of me being on my knees servicing a man. It made me squirmy and giddy.
It wasn't until my lunch that I saw two more watches, this time two coworkers that I am not attracted to at all. They both smiled and said hello, and I smiled and noticed their watches. Right away an image of them sharing me popped into my head. Getting tagged teamed on both ends, holes filled by these two coworkers. As I drifted into my dirty thoughts the elevator dinged and opened, back up to my desk I went.
That is where I ran into my crush. Dressed dapper as always and giant smile he came over to greet me. My eyes automatically darted to his wrist, hoping he was wearing a watch, and to my pleasant surprise he was. It was very visible, eloquent and being paraded in my face. His hands moved when he talked and my eyes followed his watch's every move. I'm sure I had a very naughty grin on my face. and don't remember a word of our conversation. All I could think about was his hand deep in my cunt and his watch rubbing against my wet swollen pussy. Hoping hed go deeper and deeper to get the watch inside me. I wanted to watch my juices drip off his watch.
Anyways the conversation ended and I drifted back to reality, amazed at my ability to carry on a conversation while being so aroused and distracted. I stopped by his desk again later that day to say hello again ;)
I biked home (left my bike at work the day before cause it rained). On my way home I stopped by a roti shop for dinner.
I sat and enjoy the local alternative paper while I ate dinner. Went I got up I noticed how wet my pussy was, dripping actually. I wondered what had gotten me so excited. So I turned to take a look at the old man who served me, sure enough he was wearing a watch. Again instantly my mind melted and that amazing feeling of being controlled and aroused crept over me.
Later when I was at home, I was surfing through the web and came across a really awesome tattoo which lead me to think about a tattoo ive been dying to get, a pocket watch. With out even thinking about it I started googling pocket watches and some how ended up here ... https://www.google.ca/search?q=droste+watch&rlz=1C1CHFX_enCA553CA553&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=Jf5JU6rHDoKE2wWIvoHYAQ&ved=0CAgQ_AUoAQ&biw=1366&bih=651
It was an amazing way to end my night, as my eyes and pussy were beyond satisfied and dreamy.

The next day I biked to and from work, so the possibilities of watches popping up on my way to work were very limited.
And at work I was very busy so I didnt leave my desk as often, again limiting my watch spottings.
But I did see two random watches as I walked around the office. Older gentlemen that caused images of their cum all over my face seem real. I went back to my desk to secretly playand tease my pantiless pussy for a bit before getting back to work.

As for today, I didn't notice any watches on my outing today.
And went to a very busy market and took public transit twice. So I am assuming the 2 day reference was strong enough to wear off automatically.

The King Game: How to Be Submissive, How to be Dominant

In my post last night about improv and hypnosis, I mentioned that one of the best resources for improving your D/s is reading about status in books about improv, and especially Impro for Storytellers by Keith Johnstone. I want to prove it with this amazing passage about teaching a class of improv students how to play large status differences. You will definitely think about your own D/s experiences reading this, but I will share a couple of thoughts at the end.

THE KING GAME
If the master is not happy, he snaps his fingers and his servant dies (to be instantly replaced by another servant, ad infinitum). The game is a competition to see which servant can survive the longest, and it makes the players exquisitely attentive to each other.
...
I place a master on a throne, or arrange him/her comfortably on a sofa with lots of cushions and grapes and other comforts. Then I say, 'If anything irritates you, no matter how minor, snap your fingers and your servant will die and we'll send in a replacement.'

I appoint a timekeeper to time how long the servants survive.

'We'll call fifteen seconds good! And twenty seconds excellent! Anyone like to try for twenty-five?'

This gives the masters permission to be severe, but even so, some will frown and allow their servants to make blunder after blunder. I interrupt such scenes and point out the moments when the master became irritated:

'You wanted to kill him after three seconds because his demeanour challenged you, but you thought that wouldn't be fair. Then you wanted to kill him because he cringed. Then you wanted to kill him because he asked you what you wanted. Then you wanted to kill him because he passed right in front of you on the way to the drinks cabinet. Then you wanted to kill him because he took a position behind you that made you feel uncomfortable. How will our servants learn if you're so forgiving?'

Often the masters have no idea that the servant is annoying them.

'Are you biting your lip and frowning?' I say.

'Er . . . yes.'

'Well, that's a sign that you're not happy, so kill your servant!'

Or I'll say, 'You're shirting about on your throne. Snap your fingers if you feel restless and we'll try a new servant!'

'But he hasn't done anything wrong!'

'The servants have to make being onstage a pleasure, and yet you're visibly unhappy. The sooner you kill a bad servant, the sooner we'll find one that it's a pleasure to work with!'

Or 'You didn't like it when she shoved her elbow into your face.'

'I wanted to give her a chance.'

'Don't give her a chance. She's been pestering you from the moment she stepped onstage, isn't that right?'

'Yes.'

'Well, if you don't kill her, she won't improve.'

'What did I do?' she says, astonished, because she'd thought she was succeeding.

'Well, for a start, you took big steps and waved your arms about. No servant is allowed to do that. It looked as if the regular servant was ill and they'd brought in a scullery-maid.'

I turn to the master: 'Then she stood over you and made you feel so uncomfortable that you crossed your leg away from her (an unsuccessful James Bond did that when the baddie approached him), and then she held eye contact, forcing you to look away. And then she asked if there was anything you wanted and you didn't like having to make a decision.'

'True!'

I'll often ask the servants if they know why they were killed.

'No idea!'

'Perhaps the master can tell you.'

The master may not know either - masters are told to kill on impulse, but sometimes they'll say things like 'You weren't respectful!' or 'You were too servile!'

If masters kill on impulse, I can usually tell them why they were irritated, and this gives them insight:

'The servant asked you if you wanted anything - that's why you killed her.'

The servant protests: 'But I'm a servant! Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?'

'Servants are paid to take the weight of trivial decisions away from the masters.'

'That's right!' interrupts the master. 'You were supposed to know what I wanted!'

The servant still looks baffled.

...

After the students have floundered for a while I advise them to:
*  Enter with a purpose
*  Never say, 'Is there anything you need, ma'am?'
*  Be physically and vocally discreet
*  Convey that the space belongs to the master and that you intrude into
it only when necessary
*  Don't look servile - or as if waiting to be punished
*  Don't out-stare (out-status) the master
*  Don't leave awkward pauses

One of the things this makes me think about is how hard it is to listen to what I want as a dom, and insist on it in a scene: someone may be acting out submissiveness to me, but they might not be doing it in the way I prefer. And it can be subtle issues of body language and personal space - I might sense "impertinence" without being able to put my finger on it. And we all know that there are some kinds of grovelling and offering of services that can be pushy and offputting, if only subliminally.

There's a bigger philosophical issue here about D/s: should my goal be to train someone how to be the most pleasing possible submissive to me? For some submissives, that's their dream. They might have hard or soft limits - for example, not liking the word "obedience". But that's not really challenging, since within that, they want their behaviour to be shaped for my maximal pleasure.

On the other hand, many submissives may have a certain image of submitting that is their kink (like "looking servile"!), but it may not be precisely what I find most pleasing. For example, the idea of receiving corporal punishment for misbehaving. Or say being made to sleep at the foot of the bed. Neither are a big part of my fantasy life. But given that the reality is that we are equal, consenting grownups, negotiating what we want out of the relationship on the basis of some shared kink, there should be room for talking about that too. Although it gets more complicated when it comes to the idea of being picky about their micro behaviour, as in the Johnstone passage. But I'm interested to hear from people how they deal with this paradox in their D/s relationships (maybe the central paradox for D/s): how to be the king or queen, while still ensuring the other person is getting what they want.