A Year of BEHIVE, by the Numbers

The current leadership of BEHIVE, the new name for what was previously the New England Hypnosis Group, held its first munch one year ago today. And it's safe to say it's been one of the most exciting years in the 10 year history of the organization. It's hard to describe the feeling of a BEHIVE event these days, let alone how the whole year felt, so let's look at the numbers instead. In the last year we:

• Formed a five person executive committee, and held 16 executive meetings
• Organized 25 erotic hypnosis munches.
• Lost two munch venues, and found three - including two with private back rooms that are our current munch venues!
• Organized 7 study groups, the Hypnic in a park in September, and a halloween party in a dungeon. In addition, a NEDS hypnosis workshop, a meet and greet at the summer Fetish Fair Fleamarket, and co-organized the hypnosis lounge at winter Flea, which had 516 visits.
• Wrote a Consent and Conduct Policy that has been used as a model by at least 2 other groups.
• Wrote, designed and printed 500 copies of the first introduction to erotic hypnosis pamphlet, and distributed them at Charmed and this year's winter Flea.
• Started a Discord server that now has 208 members.
• Started the Koala Box as a post-munch practice activity, and, since we started tracking it last November, had 101 distinct scenes from koala box pulls with many diverse tops.
• Collected 34 consent reports.
• Banned 9 people, and issued 2 official warnings.
• Saw the number of "Yes" munch RSVPs increase year over year by 197% on average (that is to say, doubled). This was echoed in munches growing from an average of 18 people to an average of 27 people. The five biggest munches in the group's ten year history have all been in the last six months.
• Welcomed 106 first-time attendees since July.
• In total, had 710 distinct visits to BEHIVE events, not counting the Fleamarket.

We're grateful for each one of those 710 decisions to come to one of our events, and everything those people brought. There are so many new perspectives and ideas none of us could have imagined when we started, and it is a launchpad for expanding the boundaries of erotic and recreational hypnosis - not to mention having a ton of fun.

We have many new and exciting plans for year 2 of BEHIVE! Just keep an eye out for our announcements. As Robert Louis Stevenson wrote, "It is a better thing to travel hopefully than it is to arrive," and we, the executive committee consisting of @Ellie-Copter, @khatsha, @Lintheatrix, @Divney, and @Undersleeper (with gratitude to founding exec member @Thrallflower!), are very happy to continue travelling hopefully without ever arriving.

Buzz buzz!

The Mindy Kaling Rule for Receiving Consent Feedback

I should never be overly harsh when something doesn’t look that good on you, because I know you are fragile about this, and so am I. I will employ the gentle, vague expression, “I’m not crazy about that on you,” which should mean to you “Holy shit, take that off, that looks terrible!”

- Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by Mindy Kaling. "Best Friend Rights and Responsibilities"

Here's the rule: If someone tells you there was something a bit wrong when you played with them, there's a good chance something was very wrong. And this applies especially when the person is femme and you are a man.

There's two reasons why this rule is necessary. First, as Mindy Kaling alludes to, it is part of femme friendship culture to not offer direct criticism. You are supposed to read between the lines. Second, when the criticism is of a man, every femme person has a long history of men responding by acting butthurt, sulking, withdrawing, arguing, and otherwise making her regret it. And that's when he doesn't rage out.

So the negative feedback will probably come gently. As gently as "I'm not crazy about that on you". Toned down. Sandwiched in praise and reassurance. If you are used to masculine communication styles, you might only hear the praise and reassurance. And that could mean completely overlooking a serious consent accident, or a critical course correction in your play.

Can you ever take mild corrections at face value, as being mild? Maybe if a) the person likes and trusts you, and b) you have a solid history of responding awesomely to their consent feedback. One thing's for sure: if you're getting sharply criticized by femme folks, you are way over the line, and things are dicey for you continuing to be welcome in the community.

By the way, all these principles apply just as much to a friend from the relevant group telling you something you did was a bit racist, transphobic, ableist, etc.

Take the feedback very seriously, even if it seems mild. And be grateful for it. It takes a lot of energy and courage to write those notes - they probably reworded it seven times, and hesitated a long time before hitting send. They are doing it because they still care, and because they want to give you a chance to respond well and show you might be safe to play with one more time.

And if your friends and play partners stop offering you feedback, it doesn't mean you are now perfect: it means they've given up on you.

The Best Worst Best Time: Charmed 2019

It's not much of an exaggeration to say that everyone I know who went to Charmed 2019 had a total emotional meltdown at some point right before, during, or immediately after. Besides the sensory and social overload, and ambitious hopes and expectations vs reality, our kink explicitly involves playing with emotions and extreme headspaces. And all of it mixed with sex. This stuff is no joke!

Anyway, I was no exception, and I often had to consult my own con advice (especially point 1). There were some rough hours, but at the same time this is what I live for. Being there with khatsha, and BEHIVE compatriots, and friends and play partners in the larger community, led to some of those peak experiences I'll always look back on.

Here are some of my highlights, not in any particular order:

• Ariadne giggling in glee as she described various evil tactics in her Mind Breaking class
• khatsha and Ellie Copter's rowdy Progressive Muscle Reclamation class, maybe the most fun powerpoint I've ever been to
• khatsha's most excellent short skirt and other top notch outfits
• Watching @QueenVictoriaa getting her 70th hairpull induction (from 70 different people!) - after agonizing if she should stop at 69, which is of course the sexier number.
• Ellie Copter and Ragez's wonderful hypnosis show, keeping the cumulative chaos of a good stage show but adding consent, and community injokes. I won't soon forget Ragez's very real fear as he was chased across the room by CalamityBrain as an aggressive chicken.
• Being part of a BEHIVE swarm out of Boston, even in the airport. At the convention there were at least 19 regular BEHIVE munchgoers! Including a number of people who were new to congoing and would not have come if not for discovering the community through our events. The idea that we are giving people courage to step into the bigger hypnokink world is the best feeling, and thinking about what we will be adding to it is even better.
• Teaching my Resistance Play class, and later being busted on stealing a pencil-based resistance induction - by the guy who wrote it on Tumblr and just happened to be in the audience, @FatallyConceited! Great to hang out with you, and I will credit you next time!
• Quick connections with people as part of my Human Dominoes project, and then seeing the results gradually crystals throughout the con, as one trance triggered another trance. In my class, I was extremely pleased to see 7 person chain reactions in the audience whenever I dropped khatsha, and then in a domino meetup on Sunday morning it got up to 14 people!
• Attending the valuable POC roundtable by Yoshi, SnapMeDown and AlianneCimorene, and learning that the community has actually made progress. One statement by a young man, a black hypnofetishist nervously reaching out to the IRL community for the first time and finding there were others like him, almost had me in tears.
• Very fun room parties, with a lot of creativity and sexiness, including a showstoppingly violent wrestling/switchfight
• Getting to meet the lovely Bay Area people, and hearing about their successes in building up their local scene and changing the flavour of hypno community, just like we are trying to do in the northeast
• Having our flights delayed for 48 hours due to snow, which just led to more fun parties and slothful together time
• Finally getting to do a little tourism, including going to the Museum of Visionary Art, a favourite of John Waters and well worth the visit. Don't miss that there are actually two major buildings, plus a sculpture garden - we almost did and ran out of time to see all the wonders in the second building.

Thank you to all the organizers and volunteers. Amidst community and personal turmoil, there was so much joy and pleasure. One of the best weekends of my life (or rather 5 days!), that I was incredibly grateful when it was done.

Here's How You Messed Up Your Chance to Fuck My Wife

I see a lot of people hit on my wife, and I enjoy playing armchair quarterback on that. Our open relationship allows her to sleep with and play with anyone she wants, and yet so many of these people ruin their own chances. Either well before they hit on her, after they've successfully hit on her but before the scene, or, saddest of all, when they get with her once and are hoping for another round.

Here are some ways multiple people have cockblocked themselves:

• Posted creepy, rather than complimentary comments under her body photos.

• Ignored her simple list of limits, immediately after she gave them.

• When she said "no" about something, acted very disappointed and butthurt.

• Wrote a message to her to say, "You have too many barriers for me to get through."

• Condescended to her accent, or didn't bother to listen to it at all.

• Interrupted her to explain something she knows much better.

• Thought he could use self-perceived big dealness to push her around or bypass her in her leadership role.

• Negotiated a simple hypnosis scene with no suggestions, and then gave her a suggestion.

• Didn't brush teeth before making out.

How do I know all this? She tells me! "I was totally going to do that guy!" she says. "All he had to do was not mess it up..."

This tragic situation is not unique to my wife. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who I would describe, with much warmth, as Horny Sluts in Your Area. And many of their would-be paramours are knocking themselves out of the running in similar dumb ways. Also? My horny friends talk to each other.

Which is not to say that nobody ever makes it! In fact there's a lot of good sex happening (but there could be more!). And if some of these disappointed folks are tempted to decide they didn't want to get with her anyway - "those grapes were sexy, but probably sour!" - well......

They have no idea.