Here's How You Messed Up Your Chance to Fuck My Wife

I see a lot of people hit on my wife, and I enjoy playing armchair quarterback on that. Our open relationship allows her to sleep with and play with anyone she wants, and yet so many of these people ruin their own chances. Either well before they hit on her, after they've successfully hit on her but before the scene, or, saddest of all, when they get with her once and are hoping for another round.

Here are some ways multiple people have cockblocked themselves:

• Posted creepy, rather than complimentary comments under her body photos.

• Ignored her simple list of limits, immediately after she gave them.

• When she said "no" about something, acted very disappointed and butthurt.

• Wrote a message to her to say, "You have too many barriers for me to get through."

• Condescended to her accent, or didn't bother to listen to it at all.

• Interrupted her to explain something she knows much better.

• Thought he could use self-perceived big dealness to push her around or bypass her in her leadership role.

• Negotiated a simple hypnosis scene with no suggestions, and then gave her a suggestion.

• Didn't brush teeth before making out.

How do I know all this? She tells me! "I was totally going to do that guy!" she says. "All he had to do was not mess it up..."

This tragic situation is not unique to my wife. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who I would describe, with much warmth, as Horny Sluts in Your Area. And many of their would-be paramours are knocking themselves out of the running in similar dumb ways. Also? My horny friends talk to each other.

Which is not to say that nobody ever makes it! In fact there's a lot of good sex happening (but there could be more!). And if some of these disappointed folks are tempted to decide they didn't want to get with her anyway - "those grapes were sexy, but probably sour!" - well......

They have no idea.