I did this at a party recently and I thought it was genius, so I want
to share it around. It’s like regular spin-the-bottle, where you go
around the circle and spin a bottle in the center, except:
When
the bottle points to you, you have to offer three options of things you
are willing to do with/for the spinner, for them to choose one
At least one has to be nonsexual and vanilla (e.g. sing a Disney song, make up a secret handshake together)
A
nice touch was letting people know they can definitely reuse options
other people proposed, so there’s not too much pressure to be creative.
I
bet there’s still things that can go wrong with this consent-wise, but
it is SO much better thought out than regular spin the bottle, or truth
or dare or whatever. What’s particularly smart is that if you don’t want
to do anything sexy or flirtatious with the person the bottle points
to, the other option is usually fun and funny, so it’s a good cover. You
can be like, “I so would like to take you up on your offer of a makeout
sesh, but I’m simply too attracted by the possibility of a Top
Gun-style high five!”
The other important part is that it starts
sexy things happening at the party, and breaks the ice between people,
as well as letting people communicate their interests. It worked great
at this party - the options got a lot racier than kissing pretty quick!
No matter how much you've thought and read about consent
and negotiation, there's still a lot of intuition involved in asking the
right questions to a new partner. The right question at the right time
is critical, but it takes experience, or rather experiences, of many
different people, to do this well.
I always wrap up my negotiation with something like, "Is there
anything else we should talk about?" or "Is there anything else I should
know?" But people often don't know themelves what might be a problem
for them. I also don't think consent checklists are a solution, for various reasons.
Without the scenes and people I've been involved with, observed, and
read about, I probably wouldn't know these things about people that are
needed to ask good questions:
Some people don't like to be hugged, or any touching whatsoever.
Some people have a fear of drowning that makes water imagery a bad idea.
Some people have a fear of heights that makes floating imagery a bad idea.
Also some people don't like elevators because of claustrophia. And at least one person out there has a phobia of escalators.
Some people want hypnosis without D/s - any dominating or controlling language bothers them.
Some people are ok with sneaky hypnosis and playful triggers in
private, but are bothered if it happens in front of other people (which
usually adds at least a little humiliation).
Some people are ok with triggers that third parties can use, while some people are not.
Some people have physical problems, eg in their neck, shoulders, or
knees, that make certain common hypnotic devices, like hand floating,
difficult to sustain or start.
Some people have struggles with their memory, or with people calling
them dumb, that makes amnesia or intelligence play unpleasant.
Some people have nerve issues so that language about tingling bothers them.
Some people get floppy when they go into trance, and could potentially fall or give you their weight in a dangerous way.
People mean different things when they agree to a sexual hypnosis
scene: some people want only induced pleasure and arousal; some people
are into imagery of having sex with you; and some people are into sexual
touch as well. You have to ask.
Some people are significantly altered in their judgment after even one trance, and shouldn't ever negotiate after that.
You can't tell someone's correct pronouns from the way they look, or their name.
Some transgender people are bothered by references to their genitals if they experience them as not matching their gender.
Many people have been sexually assaulted, and this can make for
obstacles that need to be carefully navigated, including ones they don't
know about.
Many people have a complicated relationship with their own orgasms,
including partners pressuring them to have them or have them faster, and
language that presupposes they will have an orgasm at a certain time
can create anxiety. (related blog entry: Don't Pressure People to Have Hypnotic Orgasms)
Some people have non-intuitive limitations in their polyamorous relationships that need to be respected.
I bet a lot of the things on this list seem obvious to you. That's
because of your experience! I guarantee for each of these there's
someone out there who didn't know, and screwed it up. Often, me.
My point is not that you shouldn't ever start doing hypnosis, or that
I've learned everything that I need to know. In fact my point is:
We're all beginners. In a few years this list of
mine will be twice as long, and whenever we play with a new partner, or
even an old partner, we are beginners: there's so much to learn about
how to navigate consent with that person. Respect human variation, and
get ready to be surprised.
and also:
It's ok to not ask the right questions. The most
important consent skill is recovery from mishaps, and learning from
them. I think that for well-intentioned, well-educated kinksters, things
tend to only really go bad because of two inner self images.
First, "Dom Draper": the idea of dominant as suave, smooth,
and omniscient, knowing exactly where your for-real limits are so you
can be pushed right up to them, making every scene flow in a perfectly
controlled way - just like in porn!
Second, the "Safe Player": the one who is so invested in
their image to themselves, and maybe the community, as being safe and
consent aware that they can't admit that they just fucked up.
Unlike mistakes from simple ignorance, these can actually get worse
with years in the scene - and besides making you more dangerous, in fact
prevent you from learning from experience. I want to take those harmful self-images in me out back and bury them.
What's important is to stay engaged with your partner, and be aware
that screwups are always a possibility. And that's ok. You just have to:
Notice something went wrong (or listen when they tell you that)
Ask them about it
Apologize if appropriate
Remember it for next time
Recovery, not perfection, and getting better all the time.
I
would love to have the superpower of seeing anyone’s late night porn
search keywords. Is there any time when we’re more honest about what we
really desire?
For me, 99% of the time “hypno” would be in there, but “glasses” is also a keyword I have searched. Glasses are really hot.
What’s relevant to my fetish?
They’re stylish.
They suit her face and personality.
She needs them.
Oh
yes, 3: there’s plenty of glasses porn out there, but it actually bums
me out if I see that the lens aren’t refractive! (even more so if the
same pair is being used by models in different videos!) I demand myopia!
Or, failing that, presbyopia! Is it that the hint of helplessness is
cute?
This is all just an excuse for me to perv, so let it begin! In vaguely chronological order! Jeanine Melnitz
Goddamn
this 80s lady has pizazz. I just know she goes dancing, and has a great
dating life totally separate from her work, as well as lots of buddies
in the 80s NYC avant garde art scene. Jet Girl
Soulful and badass! She needs another movie. Lisa Loeb
Yeah a lot of us there in the 90s were activated by this video. Scully
*Gulp*
Let’s keep moving. Tina Fey
Super
obvious but essential. Her looks are very nice, but her big, hard
joke-brain is the sexiest thing. I’ve read her book 28 times at least -
literally no one cares more about making the perfect joke than she does. 10 years later, subtly different glasses, still rocking it hard. Hope Davis as Joyce Brabner (American Splendor)
Pretty much my sexual ideal. Achingly smart and passionate. I can watch their first date scenes over and over. Felicia Day
Ok, yes, but I feel manipulated. Stiiiiill does it. Zooey Deschanel
Ugh, I hate me. You can probably tell exactly my age from this crush. Edna Mode
Passionate! Daring in her style choices! These are some sexy pixels. She has some stories to tell from the 70s. Daniel from Stargate
I’m straight but I’m not narrow.
A
lot of these glasses are 90s-style thin wire frames, I’m noticing. Is
this nostalgia, or is the wave of revival coming, such that they are
starting to look good again for real? Daniel from Stargate
As a teenager I literally took this picture to my barber.
It was still the 90s! Mr. Peabody
Oh, hello.
Here’s an irony: 10 years ago I had laser eye surgery. Primarily for cosmetic reasons. And I don’t regret it!
And
yet! You will be sexier to me if you wear glasses. Taking them off for
sex makes you look even more naked, and possibly vulnerable. But leaving
them on is even better.
I think all explanations of fetishes
are a lie. Usually it’s just there. But I’m sure my glasses fetish has
something to do with me projecting combined qualities of braininess and
stylishness. Women with a rich specific inner life - who I could talk
about books with - but who have also put a few XP into aesthetics and
their feminine mystique.
My new wife is all those things, and she
wears huge, super stylish glasses, like a fashion designer or a famous
writer. They’re so vivid that when she takes them off it’s almost like
her eyes go with them, like a cartoon character. So basically she makes
me ridiculously happy, and horny all the time.
And you should be with me! This ring on my finger says so.
For
six hours there’s not that brilliant, hilarious, caring, responsive
presence of yours reaching out through my phone, tempting me all day at
work. That mind that I first fell for: sexting on the top of a mountain
in Italy, chuckling and getting hard. Instead, it’s silent.
No one said it would get so much more nagging, aching after the big date. These six hours.
Shit got real, but I’m not frightened of it. It’s more exciting than anything I’ve known before. I want this so much.
It
hurts every day, but the anticipation is so sweet. Every domestic
thought fills me with longing: coming home to you, bustling in the
kitchen, going to bed, planning and scheming our life together, having
the most intimate trance. Games and rituals and private jokes. Helping
you blossom into your new life and seeing it unfold in the most
delightful and unexpected ways.
It can’t really be that sweet
all the time can it? Won’t I get used to it? Won’t little things start
to intrude, to make it more of a mixture, more like the lumpiness of
real life, with its highs and lows?
But I believe in a
satellite-laser-blast of happiness, that we will be bathed in it, even
if it doesn’t stay as pure and simple for long. I believe it’s coming.
We are due it.
Less than eight weeks. I should savour this
time - the solitude, the flexibility, even the longing. It will be over
soon enough.
And you should be with me! This ring on my finger says so.
For
six hours there’s not that brilliant, hilarious, caring, responsive
presence of yours reaching out through my phone, tempting me all day at
work. That mind that I first fell for through the phone: sexting on the top of a mountain
in Italy, me chuckling and getting hard. Instead, it’s silent.
No one said it would get so much more nagging, aching after the big date. These six hours.
Shit got real, but I’m not frightened of it. It’s more exciting than anything I’ve known before. I want this so much.
It
hurts every day, but the anticipation is so sweet. Every domestic
thought fills me with longing: coming home to you, bustling in the
kitchen, going to bed, planning and scheming our life together, having
the most intimate trance. Games and rituals and private jokes. Helping
you blossom into your new life and seeing it unfold in the most
delightful and unexpected ways.
It can’t really be that sweet
all the time can it? Won’t I get used to it? Won’t little things start
to intrude, to make it more of a mixture, more like the lumpiness of
real life, with its highs and lows?
But I believe in a
satellite-laser-blast of happiness, that we will be bathed in it, even
if it doesn’t stay as pure and simple for long. I believe it’s coming.
We are due it.
Less than eight weeks. I should savour this
time - the solitude, the flexibility, even the longing. It will be over
soon enough.
