It’s hard to tell your partner over and over “No, its okay, I’m good without one” when they take it as a challenge. You know they’ll be sad or disappointed if you don’t come. It can be way too much pressure. ... Even if I’d like an orgasm, when I tell you I’m not going to for whatever reason, please don’t insist I do anyway. It’s not about your ego. It’s not about a challenge.(The comments are extremely valuable too) This makes me think how grateful I am that I read similar advice more than 10 years ago, before I had any sexual experience to speak of, in an entry on the amazing blog Why Your Wife Won’t Have Sex with You. Because it takes that long to absorb the lesson: that people, especially people with vaginas, have a huge amount of variance in how easy it is for them to have orgasms, and how important orgasms are to them. Looking back on my sexual history, it might be the most important piece of sex advice I ever had. Not respecting this reality will lead to anxiety, frustration, and a pulling away.
(Another good analogy is pressure on people to squirt, as described in this Fetlife writing by Ferrett Steinmeltz)
I think it’s important to bring up here, because I don’t always see this acknowledged where erotic hypnosis is discussed. For example, Wiseguy provides excellent tips for encouraging hands-free orgasms, but doesn’t bring up the possibility that some people might never have them. Considering that some partners I have had require quite a bit of intense physical stimulation, that seems like something that should be considered. He then goes on to describe many fun things to do with hypnotic orgasms, like “orgasm pills” or using them to reinforce suggestions, which seems like jumping up several dozen levels in terms of aptitude. And Wiseguy’s stuff is on the high end of grounded and trustworthy - many less careful teachers and performers make hypnotic orgasms look like something that should be easy, and a necessary part of erotic hypnosis play. (Peter Masters is the exception, although I think he goes too far in advising to stay away from orgasm talk altogether)
We as hypnotists get advised to speak with more confidence than may be justified, and I understand why: the unconscious understands confidence, and the unconscious is what will be making the suggestions work. By acting like you have no doubts, it increases the probability of success. But this is a case where it can actually hurt the situation. Pressuring someone to have an orgasm when it's not going to happen can kill their buzz, make an orgasm or other kinds of pleasure harder to access, and, if in a trance, bring them out of it. Making someone feel bad for not responding the way you want isn’t just shitty; if you’re a heterosexual man, it’s shitty in a very typical way.
Of course, I love it when a partner has an orgasm with me. It makes me feel reassured that I’m doing something right, and I’m into it aesthetically. If it’s a hypnotic orgasm, in a D/s context, it can give me a power thrill (I’m very into the idea of controlling someone’s pleasure). What the mind turns into during the moment of orgasm is not so far from the overwhelmed mush that I find so appealing in deep hypnosis. But there are lots of other things I love in sex and hypnosis too. And you will note those were purely selfish reasons. It’s not just about me, and it’s not about achievements or checking off boxes: what it should be about is pleasure and connection, and creating unique and amazing memories in the time you have together.
I will say that hypnosis is about expanding what the hypnotee thought their mind was capable of. To that extent I don’t think there’s anything wrong with experimenting with orgasmic response. IF - and only if - your partner is into the idea. Although I’m against the idea of hypnotic suggestions to change or “fix” your partner long term, when it comes to individual orgasms, relaxation and focus are things that might help, and things that hypnosis is good for. With the help of techniques from the likes of Wiseguy, and especially with practice by the hypnotee, more people are able to have hands-free orgasms on command than thought they could. But it should be presented as just one of many activities that are available. And if you run out of sexy things to play with when hypnosis is in the mix, you are seriously lacking in imagination.
Here are my guidelines for hypnosis and orgasms, which I wish I had always followed - I have screwed up with partners in the past, which is why I’m thinking so much about this. It shouldn’t need to be said, but these are in the context of a hypnotic relationship with an agreed-upon sexual dimension, as per rule #7 of my hypotist ethics.
1. Don’t bring up hypnotic orgasms until you have gotten to know your partner’s orgasms. Ideally by learning, firsthand, how they like to get off outside of trance. You also want to understand how much they care about orgasms, how many and when they like to have them, and whether they have insecurities about them - maybe from a past partner who pressured them. You also might want to ask if they have had bad or good experiences with orgasming on command (not just a hypnosis thing as I have learned recently). Of course it’s different if your partner brings up the topic! In the case where this happened with me, it wasn’t a big surprise that she turned out to be talented at hypnotic orgasms.
2. If you have the go-ahead, especially in the early occasions use permissive, open-ended language. That is, phrase your hypnotic suggestions without a specific expectation, that it will definitively happen at a certain time. Instead merely introduce the possibility of having an orgasm, phrases like, “as your arousal grows you might find that your body wants the pleasure of an orgasm, and it can have it, at any time it wishes.” If you do it right, then it will plant the seeds that can lead to an orgasm if one is within reach, and not make it a big deal if not.
3. Before giving someone a direct command to come, be very sure they will. I will ask, “Are you ready to come?” or “Nod your head when you’re ready.” This seems to work - even in trance people know where they’re at. Of course as you get to know a partner better, you can get to the point of feeling confident you see the signs without asking. But I think it’s so important to avoid giving someone the feeling of failing at an orgasm suggestion.
4. Mention that hypnotic orgasms may feel different than you expect (thought clearly identifiable), just as clitoral and g-spot orgasms feel different. And just like the different types of physical orgasms, it may take practice to find your hypnotic orgasm, and more practice to start having really good ones.
I will share with you another reason this issue is personal for me: I have trouble having hypnotic orgasms. At one time I was listening to two mp3 files repeatedly from different web-based hypnotists that were intended to produce hands-free orgasms. It was always a pleasant and very sexy experience, but when nothing happened at the end I would feel like a failure. Now I know that there are a lot of things more personalized hypnosis could do better, and I’m not ruling out that it might happen for me some day (fortunately I don’t think of it anymore as “the ultimate test” of whether hypnosis is real). But I don’t want my partners to suffer from the same thing, of a few seconds of suggestions ruining the afterglow of a very hot time.
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