No matter how much you've thought and read about consent
and negotiation, there's still a lot of intuition involved in asking the
right questions to a new partner. The right question at the right time
is critical, but it takes experience, or rather experiences, of many
different people, to do this well.
I always wrap up my negotiation with something like, "Is there anything else we should talk about?" or "Is there anything else I should know?" But people often don't know themelves what might be a problem for them. I also don't think consent checklists are a solution, for various reasons.
Without the scenes and people I've been involved with, observed, and read about, I probably wouldn't know these things about people that are needed to ask good questions:
My point is not that you shouldn't ever start doing hypnosis, or that I've learned everything that I need to know. In fact my point is:
We're all beginners. In a few years this list of mine will be twice as long, and whenever we play with a new partner, or even an old partner, we are beginners: there's so much to learn about how to navigate consent with that person. Respect human variation, and get ready to be surprised.
and also:
It's ok to not ask the right questions. The most important consent skill is recovery from mishaps, and learning from them. I think that for well-intentioned, well-educated kinksters, things tend to only really go bad because of two inner self images.
First, "Dom Draper": the idea of dominant as suave, smooth, and omniscient, knowing exactly where your for-real limits are so you can be pushed right up to them, making every scene flow in a perfectly controlled way - just like in porn!
Second, the "Safe Player": the one who is so invested in their image to themselves, and maybe the community, as being safe and consent aware that they can't admit that they just fucked up.
Unlike mistakes from simple ignorance, these can actually get worse with years in the scene - and besides making you more dangerous, in fact prevent you from learning from experience. I want to take those harmful self-images in me out back and bury them.
What's important is to stay engaged with your partner, and be aware that screwups are always a possibility. And that's ok. You just have to:
I always wrap up my negotiation with something like, "Is there anything else we should talk about?" or "Is there anything else I should know?" But people often don't know themelves what might be a problem for them. I also don't think consent checklists are a solution, for various reasons.
Without the scenes and people I've been involved with, observed, and read about, I probably wouldn't know these things about people that are needed to ask good questions:
- Some people don't like to be hugged, or any touching whatsoever.
- Some people have a fear of drowning that makes water imagery a bad idea.
- Some people have a fear of heights that makes floating imagery a bad idea.
- Also some people don't like elevators because of claustrophia. And at least one person out there has a phobia of escalators.
- Some people want hypnosis without D/s - any dominating or controlling language bothers them.
- Some people are ok with sneaky hypnosis and playful triggers in private, but are bothered if it happens in front of other people (which usually adds at least a little humiliation).
- Some people are ok with triggers that third parties can use, while some people are not.
- Some people have physical problems, eg in their neck, shoulders, or knees, that make certain common hypnotic devices, like hand floating, difficult to sustain or start.
- Some people have struggles with their memory, or with people calling them dumb, that makes amnesia or intelligence play unpleasant.
- Some people have nerve issues so that language about tingling bothers them.
- Some people get floppy when they go into trance, and could potentially fall or give you their weight in a dangerous way.
- People mean different things when they agree to a sexual hypnosis scene: some people want only induced pleasure and arousal; some people are into imagery of having sex with you; and some people are into sexual touch as well. You have to ask.
- Some people are significantly altered in their judgment after even one trance, and shouldn't ever negotiate after that.
- You can't tell someone's correct pronouns from the way they look, or their name.
- Some transgender people are bothered by references to their genitals if they experience them as not matching their gender.
- Many people have been sexually assaulted, and this can make for obstacles that need to be carefully navigated, including ones they don't know about.
- Many people have a complicated relationship with their own orgasms, including partners pressuring them to have them or have them faster, and language that presupposes they will have an orgasm at a certain time can create anxiety. (related blog entry: Don't Pressure People to Have Hypnotic Orgasms)
- Some people have non-intuitive limitations in their polyamorous relationships that need to be respected.
My point is not that you shouldn't ever start doing hypnosis, or that I've learned everything that I need to know. In fact my point is:
We're all beginners. In a few years this list of mine will be twice as long, and whenever we play with a new partner, or even an old partner, we are beginners: there's so much to learn about how to navigate consent with that person. Respect human variation, and get ready to be surprised.
and also:
It's ok to not ask the right questions. The most important consent skill is recovery from mishaps, and learning from them. I think that for well-intentioned, well-educated kinksters, things tend to only really go bad because of two inner self images.
First, "Dom Draper": the idea of dominant as suave, smooth, and omniscient, knowing exactly where your for-real limits are so you can be pushed right up to them, making every scene flow in a perfectly controlled way - just like in porn!
Second, the "Safe Player": the one who is so invested in their image to themselves, and maybe the community, as being safe and consent aware that they can't admit that they just fucked up.
Unlike mistakes from simple ignorance, these can actually get worse with years in the scene - and besides making you more dangerous, in fact prevent you from learning from experience. I want to take those harmful self-images in me out back and bury them.
What's important is to stay engaged with your partner, and be aware that screwups are always a possibility. And that's ok. You just have to:
- Notice something went wrong (or listen when they tell you that)
- Ask them about it
- Apologize if appropriate
- Remember it for next time
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