The Mindy Kaling Rule for Receiving Consent Feedback

I should never be overly harsh when something doesn’t look that good on you, because I know you are fragile about this, and so am I. I will employ the gentle, vague expression, “I’m not crazy about that on you,” which should mean to you “Holy shit, take that off, that looks terrible!”

- Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? by Mindy Kaling. "Best Friend Rights and Responsibilities"

Here's the rule: If someone tells you there was something a bit wrong when you played with them, there's a good chance something was very wrong. And this applies especially when the person is femme and you are a man.

There's two reasons why this rule is necessary. First, as Mindy Kaling alludes to, it is part of femme friendship culture to not offer direct criticism. You are supposed to read between the lines. Second, when the criticism is of a man, every femme person has a long history of men responding by acting butthurt, sulking, withdrawing, arguing, and otherwise making her regret it. And that's when he doesn't rage out.

So the negative feedback will probably come gently. As gently as "I'm not crazy about that on you". Toned down. Sandwiched in praise and reassurance. If you are used to masculine communication styles, you might only hear the praise and reassurance. And that could mean completely overlooking a serious consent accident, or a critical course correction in your play.

Can you ever take mild corrections at face value, as being mild? Maybe if a) the person likes and trusts you, and b) you have a solid history of responding awesomely to their consent feedback. One thing's for sure: if you're getting sharply criticized by femme folks, you are way over the line, and things are dicey for you continuing to be welcome in the community.

By the way, all these principles apply just as much to a friend from the relevant group telling you something you did was a bit racist, transphobic, ableist, etc.

Take the feedback very seriously, even if it seems mild. And be grateful for it. It takes a lot of energy and courage to write those notes - they probably reworded it seven times, and hesitated a long time before hitting send. They are doing it because they still care, and because they want to give you a chance to respond well and show you might be safe to play with one more time.

And if your friends and play partners stop offering you feedback, it doesn't mean you are now perfect: it means they've given up on you.