The Only Pickup Artist You Should Ever Listen To

The other day, I was at a munch where there was a pickup artist. I know this, because he was acting weird: he sat down beside me at the beginning of the munch and then, without saying hello, immediately changed his seat to one between two women at the other end of the table; in an argument later, he tried to get me into a "yes set"; and a female friend told me about his weird pressurized approach to her. He also describes himself as a pickup artist on his Fetlife profile (which my friend described as reading like those "the man your man could smell like" commercials).

How can you improve your social skills, and your chances of getting to enjoy your kink with people you're attracted to, without getting into this kind of junk? Is all pick up artist stuff poison?

I don't think so, and I say that as someone who had some *very* embarassing behaviour in my early 20s after reading The Game. Besides how entertaining that book is, I give it credit for eventually leading me to a guy I have learned a lot from, Wayne Elise.

Fair warning: he communicates within the pick up artist framework, with some of its goal-directedness, using some of the jargon, and assuming heteronormativity in talking about approaching "girls". If that stuff, or any association with pickup artists, bums you out, you should skip this. (and I will say up front that after marinating in gender studies and consent culture for a little while there are plenty of little things he says I'm not crazy about)

But I find that beneath that surface, it's a whole different approach, and one that is chill rather than toxic, and applies to social interaction in general.

This interview is a nice introduction:

(but what the heck is the other guy doing with his body language? Being "alpha"?)

And here's a relevant quote from a much longer, more technical video:

"I don't advocate going into a bar and pissing off half the bar. I don't advocate going in and acting strange and weird to people....the last thing a girl wants is someone who's goofy. Who can't socialize. Because they're approached by those kind of guys all the time."

Basically the philosophy, which is also discussed on his website charismaarts.com, is that to have good interactions, you figure out how to help people open up, be real with you, and show off what's cool about themselves. Then you reward them for that. And you share back, relating real stuff about yourself like emotions and perceptions, and you go for this equal back and forth exchange of energy. And that's the kind of thing that makes a spark.

He also talks a lot about how to reveal sexual interest, in a clear but non-creepy way. I think this speaks wonderfully to consent-conscious dating. And it easily extends to making play connections in the kink world.

What this stuff is not about is locking onto "hotties" like a torpedo and ignoring everyone else, nor is it about "negging" or steamrolling people with  unnatural routines memorized from a book.

I owe a lot to this philosophy, and the many little social interaction tips around it. When you interact with me you're seeing social skills that I've been working on for at least 7 years with these tips in mind. Ok, I'm still plenty awkward sometimes. But just be glad you're not talking to my 20 ish self. Unless you're really into Buffy plot summaries.

Should I be nervous about revealing that I have a guru who used to go by the handle "Juggler"? (that's more innocent than it sounds: he used to juggle for a living) Here's a good filter for whether a pickup artist technique is scuzzy: would you like to have it used on you? And I think that works for me and charisma arts stuff. I want to be asked "fat questions", and only ones that my partner is interested in the answer to. I want people to use "the vacuum" on me (that's where you ask a fat question and then just wait, however long it takes for them to give you some kind of answer). I want people to notice when I say something unique and compelling, and for that to be the reason things get a little sexier between us. And so on.

And rather than there being a predatory, sneaky feeling to it, where you can be "busted", it works *better* if both people have this stuff in mind! The ideal of interaction is very much like improv: totally in the moment, playful, personal, authentic, and built by collaboration.

I have to say that kink people I've met are a lot closer to this ideal in conversation, because it's normal to talk about this deep authentic part of ourselves, our turn-ons. And from there it's easy to talk about more real stuff. And we just seem comfortable going to more experimental and playful places in conversation.

If you're interested in Wayne Elise, there aren't that many other resources I can point you to - unlike most people who teach social skills online, Wayne Elise seems to spend the majority of his time out there enjoying his life and varied interests, not crafting marketing emails or making up new things to buy. The youtube videos are of variable interest, and most of his serious written materials are now hard to find. Some good ones are reproduced, probably without permission, here. I especially like this one about the importance of getting happiness out of your interactions. And yes, I just have more *fun* talking to people than I used to. After a while it was like, how did everyone around me get so interesting and sexy all of a sudden?

Just please, if you click those links, do not read the ads. And do not read stuff by other pickup artists. You're much better off with who you are right now.