Don't You Know It's Wrong? (An Erotic Hypnosis Scene)

Anna calls herself a "recovered Catholic". And there was a lot of shit to recover from, from the stories she's told me. When puberty came, her religious upbringing and her awakening libido smashed into each other over and over like monster cars. Even as she was getting more involved in the church, becoming an altar server, at home she was struggling with her fantasies, and her temptations to self-pleasure. She made endless rules and resolutions, all of which would hold for a few days or weeks but then fail explosively. And then the remorse would come.

All the more since her fantasies involved not just sex, but being whipped and spanked, tied up, humiliated and dominated. Sometimes by a girl. After one particularly confessional visit to confession, the priest was so shocked that he sent her for a course of youth counselling at the church. They didn't help her feel any more normal.

She moved away from the church in late adolescence and worked hard on herself for many years, until she became the healthy, well-adjusted super-kinky slut she is today. Now the biggest remnant is the medal of Saint Sebastian she wears - because "he's hot" and "he's clearly in complete subspace due to the high gauge needle play he's doing."

But one day she confided in me: those secret, hellfire-heated sessions alone in my bedroom, when all my self-control failed, led to the strongest orgasms I've ever had.

So we made a plan.

--

Her eyes were wide and watering, staring helplessly into mine, as I hypnotized her for the Nth time that night. I was kneeling above her, with my hand resting on her throat. By this time her mind was mush. She was not just ready, but eager to absorb and obey any commands I wanted to give her.

I told her: "Just for tonight, when you hear the phrase 'Don't you know it's wrong?', you'll feel all those old feelings of shame and guilt flooding back into you. And at the exact same time, the sexual heat and arousal that came along with it. Only the feelings - you won't have the same scary thoughts. But both the shame and the arousal will build each and every time I say 'Don't you know it's wrong'. Furthermore, whatever dirty thing you're doing, you won't be able to stop yourself. In fact, you'll find yourself increasing the intensity. So the shame and the arousal and the pleasure from what you're doing will all swirl together. Then when I say, 'Mischief managed', all that shame and guilt will drain away, and you'll be back to your normal shameless self. "

I saw her eyelids drop down and flutter rapidly for a full second, the way they do when her mind is reprogramming itself.

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Fully awake."

She blinked a lot, and looked around the ceiling as I rolled off her. "I feel the same."

"That's right, that's how post-hypnotic suggestions work, remember? But look around. Anna, are you aware that you're lying naked in bed next to a naked man you're not even married to? Don't you know it's wrong?"

Her cheeks reddened instantly - she's a blusher. Oh, this is going to be good.

"Ok, I uh felt that." She rolled her pelvis a little from side to side, not looking at me.

"Anna, touch yourself."

"Do I have to? I know what you're going to do."

"Yes, you have to."

She sighed as her right hand trailed down her belly and started making slow circles around her clit.

"Anna, you're touching yourself. Don't you know it's wrong? That's what dirty girls do, Anna. Bad girls. What you're doing is so dirty. Don't you know it's wrong?"

By the second time I said it, her hand was moving in a blur, and her hips were grinding up and down off the bed. Her face was turned completely away from me, hair splayed across the pillow, but I could see her cheek was red. She was whining and whimpering, but she also sounded like she was trying to suppress it - which she never ever does.

I grabbed her shoulder. "Look at me."

She shook her head and moaned.

"Look at me!" I said in my command voice.

She shifted her shoulders and turned to look at me, face scrunched up and bright red. I took her right wrist and quickly pinned it beside her head.

"Can't you even stop yourself? You're such an out of control sinner! Don't you know it's wrong, what you're doing?"

At the same time her left hand snapped to work, starting at the same furious pace. She began making those gasping, sobbing sounds that I know so well.

"You're so overcome with lust you can't stop yourself? You'd better not come - don't you know it's wrong?"

It hit her like a freight train, and she was gasping and sobbing and crying out. The only part that didn't leave the bed at some point was her right wrist, because I was holding it down.

I pulled her left hand away and pinned it on the other side of her head. "You're such a bad, filthy girl Anna. Come and lie across my lap and take your punishment."

I sat up against the headboard, and patted my lap.

Brushing against my rigid cock, and still unable to meet my eyes, Anna slid across my lap. Her skin was hot and sweaty.

I began delivering hard smacks to her ass.

I heard her voice even though her face was pressed into the sheets. "Mmmm. Mm!" She began squirming a little between smacks.

"Anna, are you *enjoying* your punishment? Don't you know it's wrong? You're not supposed to enjoy your punishment! I'm going to have to punish you even more."

Her ass was now thrusting up in the air, inviting each smack. Her breathing was hard and fast. She shifted along my legs and began to grind her pussy into my knee.

"*Such* a wanton slut! I can feel your shameful wetness. You can't stop pleasuring yourself, even when you're supposed to be receiving your punishment. Don't you know it's wrong?"

"I do, I do!" she whined, and began grinding even harder.

I spanked both ass cheeks thoroughly, shaming her the whole time.

Then I wrapped my hand in her hair and pulled her up to a sitting position next to me. "Mischief managed."

Her eyes flicked to me, and a big devilish grin grew on her face.

"Are you doing ok?"

"Mm-hmm." she said, nodding.

I stood up on the bed and she went right for my cock, slipping her mouth over it.

"Anna," I said.

She rolled her eyes but kept moving her mouth up and down.

"Don't you know it's wrong?"

Her face, which had faded in colour, went back up to full blush, and her eyes squeezed shut. Her speed doubled.

"What you're doing is absolutely filthy. This is what totally depraved bad girls do. You're becoming a dirty, cocksucking slut. What would St. Anthony think? Don't you know it's wrong?"

She moaned around my cock. The rapid friction was threatening to make me shoot prematurely, so I grabbed her hair and pulled her off my cock.

"Look at me. Say you're sorry."

"I'm sorry." Her voice was shaky and barely audible. She was kneeling below me.

"Say you promise you won't do it anymore."

"I promise I won't do it anymore."

"Are you ready to repent and be a good girl?"

She nodded. She looked almost in tears.

"Good."

I let go of her hair and pushed my cock right up to her lips. She let out a whine and then swallowed my cock again, eyes looking off to the side in distress. Almost immediately she was back up to the same pace.

"Anna, you promised! You vowed you would stop being such a filthy cocksucker. Don't you - uh - know it's wrong? Are you even sorry, or - um - can you just not stop yourself around cock?"

In a little while I pulled her off again.

"On your hands and knees, ass in the air."

She rushed to comply.

"Anna, you're pointing your gaping wet pussy at a man. Don't you know it's wrong? Don't you know it's wrong to offer yourself up for sex, in such a degrading position, like some kind of animal in heat? Can you even stop yourself?"

She was whining loudly, hips twitching.

I slipped the end of my cock into her and she pushed back on it until I was all the way inside. Then we were fucking.

"Ah fuck. You're being such an eager fucking slut Anna. Pumping back on me like this. Don't you know it's wrong? Wanton. Shameless. Whorish. Uh fuck, oh god... Don't you, Don't you know this is wrong?"

I got a strong grip on both of her hips, and held her still, my cock deep inside, my arm muscles forcefully opposing her attempts to thrust.

I gave her a powerful smack on her right asscheek, and all the sound and fighting stopped. An instant later I felt her pussy grip my cock tightly, and then ripple, as she cried out.

--

It was later, after we had cooled down and cuddled. There was a silence, and then Anna started laughing uproariously, head tilted back on the pillow.

"What?"

She rolled over and punched me in the arm. It hurt. "'What would St. Anthony think'?"

"Hey I thought I did pretty good for a protestant heathen! Ow, hey, ow!"

--

This story is not something that's happened. But I want it to.

Hypno-Tripping in the Swiss Alps

I got invited to come to Zürich and talk to some kinksters about hypnosis, and I'm ecstatic we made it happen. I was invited and hosted by the wonderful sidonia - who I met in a mall foodcourt in Boston 3 years ago - and our terrific practice skype hypnosis session beforehand told me we could also make a strong demo together.

Sidonia told me she wanted to experience hypnotic face slapping. Since our first trances went well, and since it is a big part of her kink that she has already explored extensively, I agreed. The result was dramatic. Each time I slapped my hand on my chest (because through Skype a handclap sounded too much like a finger snap) her head turned violently to the side, and I could see that it had an emotional impact too. She told me later that although the sting of impact wasn't comepletely real to her, the fear and anticipation of each slap, and the rush of endorphins afterwards, were. She also felt the hot glow in that cheek.

The mountains and hills of Switzerland out the train window were just as spectacular as I imagined them. In the evening we drove out to this combined TNG Switzerland/Seilschaften event, at a rope dojo that was to die for - mats everywhere, something like 12 hard points on the ceiling, and nice subdued lighting. At least 50 swiss kinksters showed up! I would have been super nervous, except that the group was *so* warm and friendly. Not to mention sexy.

I just didn't let myself think about the fact that I was presenting for real, in front of my biggest crowd ever, and so I had a wonderful time in my hour. I talked about myths of hypnosis, and then I did the demo with sidonia. After modelling some negotiation, I began the induction, and the room faded away for me, along with any lingering nervousness, until it was just the two of us. This time the hypnotic slaps were even more dramatic, and I saw at least two audience members flinch powerfully along with her. (in the future I should warn about the possibility of collateral trancing.) I was blown away by the talent and bravery of my partner, and I so happy we could show a little of what makes hypnokink so compelling.

There were a lot of terrific questions from the audience, and then I led a participatory exercise about kinaesthetic inductions. It turned out to tie in well with the second workshop, which was an amazing rope-less rope class about physical connection and rapport.

Then the evening turned into a lot of high-level rope and impact play, with some truly impressive suspensions. I didn't even bother to try some rope with someone - apparently I'm letting that go completely for now - but I did have some lovely little hypno scenes. Major points to this event for having amazing cake, and really interesting people to hang out with at quieter moments.

Saturday was also an amazing day for sexy hypnosis, where I got to play with another lifelong hypnofetishist. I might write about it at a later date. Even more importantly: I got to dine with SMdiClasse and plastika, and *finally* saw Mad Max: Fury Road on the big screen in english.

On Sunday, sidonia brought me on a hike up mount Rigi. Besides the glorious views of the hills and lakes and oh-so-photogenic cows, as well as the lovely historic mountain railroad, we were excited to do a little mountaintop hypnosis. Sidonia told me she wanted to trip: to use hypnosis to get into a psychedelic mental state similar to what she has experienced with mushrooms and LSD, where sounds and sights become enormously intense, blending together in strange ways and causing wild emotions and fancies.

I hypnotized her on a bench overlooking the lake, not far from a mountainside meditation center, which seemed appropriate. As I sat beside her and described the drug flowing through her system, and affecting each of her senses in turn, I could feel mself perceiving the world differently too. The bits of tree fluff floating in the air through sunbeams seemed to shine, and it was as though I could see the leaves of the trees as one morphing mass, inseparable from the spaces between them. But since I've never done hallucinogens I don't know how similar my experience was - I was going by her long and vivid description of what it's like for her.

Beginner's mistake: talking her through the nausea stage of shrooms kicking in. Not necessary!

It was wonderful to watch her dreamily gazing around, or cocking her head to one side to listen better - never once looking at me, because as she told me on shrooms human flesh is ugly to her. I brought her back and gave her a post-hypnotic trigger to return to that state, even outside of trance, and we continued our ramble down the mountain.

Sidonia also tripped with me in a peaceful dark forest area partway down (the top of Riga is extremely busy with tourists, since the train goes right up there and there's a huge restaurant etc - so different at the summit than our northern Italian mountains, let alone Canada), and then that evening sitting outdoors at a restaurant on the Reuss river in Lucerne. Again, I couldn't experience what she was experiencing, but I was fascinated to hear about it.

In one long weekend I did more hypnosis than I have in months. This should hold me for a while - though I'm having plenty of wistful thoughts about the people I spent time with. Sure wish it wasn't 7 hours away.

Two things I want to improve on: a couple of times, with new people with whom I didn't feel that confident, and in the busy party environment, I fell back on rote inductions and didn't truly commit to the session. In the future I want to be fully present and use all my ingenuity to explore a hypnotic experience with someone, even as we're still learning our way around each other.

The other thing is that most of my play was ideas my partners came up with. This is awesome to me, and completely in my comfort zone. I completely get off on being a "service dom" (as I heard Wiseguy describe himself on his episode of the Sex Nerd Sandra podcast), giving my partners pleasure, and making their fantasies come true. I'm delighted by the creative requests my partners come up with, and the challenge in realizing them, requests like, "I'd like to experience being tied up in a sitting position and lifted up into the sky above Röntgenwiese by hundreds of balloons." The depiction of that she sent me is now one of my most prized (digital) possessions:

At the same time, I should be more forward about proposing things I want. I always have plenty of ideas about what I'd like to do to someone (or with someone, if they prefer a non-D/s vibe) in trance, but I'm shy about it. It only come up when they say, "what do you want to do?" Obviously I feel the most on solid ground consent-wise if someone brings their fantasy to me, but I have the skills to ask for things in a light and open-ended way, and I should use them.

(Why I'm) Getting Into Trance

Learning about trance is changing my life. My mind is not what I thought it was. The substance of my daily experience is not what I thought it was. And the more I learn about it, the better I can make friends with my mind and get it to do great things with me.

This is all a surprise by the way. I was just following the trail of what turns me on.

But I had to learn how hypnosis works, and that's where the seed of these thoughts came. Hypnosis works by directing attention. Everyone can be fooled by magic tricks, and everyone can be hypnotized, because no matter how smart you are, you have a limited amount of attention. This is something that hit me like a thunderbolt when I was sitting in a college class in my 20s and was shown this video.

(Perhaps you've seen that video before and are feeling clever right now. Like you're a smarter person now, who can't fall for that kind of thing. In that case watch this video.)

It's good for analytically minded people like me to realize our consciousness is limited! And that developing as a person isn't necessarily being alert to more and more things. There's always something you're not paying attention to. This is liberating!

Here's another example of letting someone else direct my attention for fun and profit. I have a workout video I like. Here's what the voiceover says, in full, over the part of the video where you are swinging your arms over one another other:

We're going to switch to lateral steps plus a swing on those arms. And start up.
Swinging those arms back and forth in front of your chest, just a small step left to right, make sure that every single time you swing those arms across in front you have a different arm on top each time. So don't always bring your left arm on top, or don't always bring your right arm on top, even though your body's going to want to have a tendency to do that, make sure you always alternate. Let's go ahead and get ready for our last warmup exercise, slow butt-kickers...

Absolutely none of this is necessary. This is a stupidly easy move. And is there really a risk I'm going to forget to switch them? (Why not also remind me not to crash them together in mid air?) But I actually do double check my movements, every time - and all those little directions of attention add up to the time flying by. I'm going into trance, a little bit, and it's a good thing!

I've always had a lot of resistance to that, which might surprise you. When people talked about their trance-like states while running or exercising, talked about enjoying "turning off their brain", I would feel a little panicky. It sounded like drowning. If my value comes from my busy, probing brain, quick to find logical flaws and build shiny structures of thought, as I was told basicall my whole schooling, who am I if I were to wipe that out, even for a few minutes?

But are we really ourselves when we are at our most aware? I don't think so anymore. I think what we mistake for consciousness is really just hypervigilance. Rapidly scanning our attention around in an anxiety that we'll miss something - the same state of mind as when we pause with our suitcases before going out the door on a trip.

Ironically, in the state of highest consciousness we are not really the most responsive to our environment. If you ask a star athlete or an improv comedian, activities where rapid response is critical, most likely they will not say they were particularly aware when they were performing. Time went by quickly. They were less troubled by nagging thoughts.

By contrast, I had a Philosophy major friend in college who was the most principled, cerebral, top-down guy I ever met. I once saw him step on a furniture tack, and I could actually watch him deciding whether it was consistent with his beliefs to yell out. It took a full three seconds.

Awareness is often nothing more than layers of checking and cross checking. And those layers slow us down, and separate us from the world.

Layers of protection are appropriate when there's enemies. These could include unethical people, or advertisers, or any other entity seeking to manipulate us to an agenda. You need defences. And sometimes the defences are against yourself, and stupid or embarassing shit that you fear might come out if you didn't filter it. But I've been a little too proud of my defences in the past, and not valuing enough other people's ability to be undefended, and to abandon themselves to an experience or to self expression.

Thinking harder doesn't get you to be more creative, funnier, sexier, a better hypnotist, or better at solving tough problems. For all of these, I now think you are best served by letting go, getting out of your own way, and letting deeper parts of your mind work in an automatic fashion.

That person you are at your most introspective and self-conscious is not the real you.

Since learning about trance, exercise is better for me, and so is art and music: I know now that I don't have to have a conscious, verbal response to everything. I can just let it carry me along. In fact "trance music" sounds better, as does everything rhythmic.

Even more simply and more frequently, I want to enjoy those moments of just watching dust motes in a sunbeam, or patterns made by overlapping tree leaves in a canopy above me. Spacing out. Losing myself in beauty and repetition.

Most people are used to their consciousness not giving up without a fight, and only getting a solid vacation from it with alcohol or pot or sex. In the kink community people also get it from being suspended in rope, or caned vigorously. Being submissive, or, to some extent, dominating. And so on. 

But there's more possibilities for trancing out. Meditation and hypnosis for sure. (and I want to get hypnotized a lot more) But also noticing those moments of everyday trance and abandoning yourself to them more fully, letting them expand out lusciously.

Don't listen to people who say the only way to grow is to become more awake, more thoughtful, more careful, more aware. Run the other way! Into trance!

The Porn I Wrote But Will Never Share

Here's an idea for a story:

There's a very young woman who has a fetish for hypnosis. She really lives and breathes it. There's a busy online community of hypnosis enthusiasts, and although she can be shy and awkward in her daily life, especially with people she's into, she is fierce and outspoken online, with a large network of friends and plenty of opinions on the record. The thing she reserves particular  contempt for are the various types of lame hypnotists she meets all the time (she only trances with a few select people), especially the would-be predators. She and her inner circle of other subjects have numerous rules for staying safe, and she can't help but feel a little superior to the careless and naive people who fall under some hypnotists' spell. Then one day she sees hints that a close friend has been compromised. Then another. They're going down like dominoes. They've voluntarily lowered their defences, and are becoming the sexual playthings of...something. From the very invisibility of the threat, she gradually infers that there is a predator in the environment, but one who is much slicker and more cunning than any unethical hypnotist she's ever come across. And then she starts to see little signs that she might be compromised. Will she be able to track down the evil hypnotist before she loses her will? Is she fighting a part of herself that wants to lose her will?

I wrote notes for that story on Jan. 3, 2013. When I wrote them, I did not know for sure there was such a thing as a female hypnosis fetishist. I had never seen hypnosis in person, and wasn't sure it was real. The idea of a thriving online community of hypnotists and subjects was pure alternate-reality invention on my part.

Of course, now I know it's all real. So much so that at least three people who might read this could have thought it was about them, for at least part of it. And would have a right to be mad!

So I'll never publish that story (or finish it), or most of the twenty other mc-themed stories that I finished around that time. It really changes the situation that I now know there is such a thing as a hypnotic predator in real life. They're not common, but common enough that they have harmed friends of mine in the Boston scene. It makes it harder to enjoy such stories, and much, much harder for me to write them.

Here's one that I actually finished: a woman attends a stage hypnosis show and is so alarmed by the hypnotic obedience she sees in her work friend that she starts a blog to give shrill warnings against hypnotists, and imagines they're lurking everywhere, wanting to snatch her up and turn her into a hypnotic slave. She perceives that someone rigged the air conditioner in the changing room to pump mind-melting arousal gas into the air, and is forced to masturbate to clear her thoughts enough to escape. She makes out with a guy on the subway because she convinces herself that he's enraptured her with his eyes alone. Finally she can't take it any more and confesses to her blog that she has submitted her body and mind to the next hypnotist she meets (who was of course the one hypnotizing her into all this). Not going to publish that.

In fact almost all the stories I wrote were in the realm of "dub-con" (dubious consent). I even wrote a story called "DubCon", about a convention of mind controllers where they brought their brainwashed slaves from all over the country for reconditioning and play. (it was from the perspective of a desk clerk trying to figure out what the hell is going on with all the gorgeous spacy women walking around and accidentally giving each other hypnotic triggers! Shades of the NEEHU hotel...)

Probably 99% of the stories on mcstories.com involve at least dubious consent, often in the form of predatory hypnosis. Lots of them on tumblr too. And in my brain. How do I reconcile this? With my desire to present hypnosis as no more creepy or dangerous than any other type of intense play kinksters do? And to present myself as an ethical person, who in real life is not interested in pushing on partners' boundaries? This isn't exactly a unique dilemma, but one I'm still wrestling with.

Here's another reason I'm not going to share some of the stories I wrote: they're racist! When I'm writing from what genuinely turns me on, and trying to let the story follow its own course, to my surprise, sometimes they come out that way. Like in the first draft of one story, a woman's extreme licentiousness is represented by her grinding on a bunch of guys in a black dance club. In another first draft, I introduce magical artifact by means of a magical Asian shopkeeper. Which I guess I have movies from my childhood to thank, from Gremlins to Hellraiser to Aladdin. I don't think my brain has more of this crap in it than the average person of my combination of privileged identities, but it's still not cool to see it on the page.

And it's not trivial to de-racist a story. Often fixing it would require major surgery, i.e. burning calories to rethink the parts that are not the sexy parts.  It doesn't suffice to change it to a magical white shopkeeper - it needs something. Finding a clever solution would no doubt make my story better, as in Joss Whedon's invention of magical (white) shopkeeper Ethan Rayne, but it would also make my draft take longer to finish, and not make it any sexier (except of course in reducing the anti-sexy racism) And so there those drafts stay.

All that said, I don't think there's anything wrong with the way I wrote those stories. I think it's harmful to edit while you're writing, to fight your instincts as you get words down. Sitting on an encrypted disk image, those story drafts are not hurting anyone. My responsibility begins when I plan to share them. Even on Fetlife, where many private joys and struggles are shared, I still believe it's so important to have a "backstage" for one's private thoughts and feelings, where everything is ok to say to yourself, and then to pick and choose what you express.

A last, selfish reason not to share stories: my fantasies are embarassing. In my published 50 Shades parody, there's a scene with hundreds of hot women chasing our hero, Beatles-style. A more extreme version of that is in a story I wrote in the form of a parody TED talk, where the mind-controller speaker had the women in the audience literally lining up to blow him. Obviously at the time I was feeling a teensy bit lacking in sexual attention! And that wasn't something I wanted people to know.

Basically, publishing any kind of writing makes me vulnerable: it exposes my limitations and crappy preconceptions, and my weird fixations and impoverishments. Why take that risk? Especially since I never considered I'd have friends who might be interested to read them?

Well, it's fun. Some of the best, hardest working fun I've ever had.

It unleashed my creativity. For someone like me, it was so liberating to write things that my parents or my high school english teacher will never read and give me approval for. I wrote those twenty stories in 8 months, about 76,000 words worth. That's what URNMyPower might call "a solid afternoon's output," but it was a big deal for me! As someone who had literally never finished a piece of writing or artwork that wasn't an assigment. Several of them I rewrote twice, three times or more.

Most importantly, it brought my fantasy life into focus. It taught me about myself so that when someone stands in front of me and says, "I want to do whatever you want" - which is a thing that has happened and will happen - I'll have a better idea what to say. I can't put it better than this writing by FL user Heather against kinksters buying into the idea of "one twue way":

Sit quietly with yourself and think about what makes you harden, what makes you soften, what makes you wet and what fuels your lust....Learn where you draw your power from and tap into that before each encounter.

I'll probably tidy up a few more stories from that set, and I'm going to write more soon, once my fantasy life settles down in its new form after the glorious Etch-a-sketch shakeup it got from contact with the real-life scene. And they'll come out different. Maybe I'll even write and share evil hypnotist stories, but they will be different evil hypnotist stories, that are evil in a fun way that shows an awareness of where the readers are coming from and how to fall on the side of hotness rather than upsetting, like DJ Pynchon's current tumblr rampage of awesome.

I want to cheerlead you to dive into your sexual fantasies and write them down, no matter how dark or embarassing or bizarre or seemingly trivial. Keep them secret, for example (on a mac) using an encrypted disk image or a Google Doc on a special account, and don't publish stuff that you know is likely to hurt people.

And my obvious other purpose here is to burn off story ideas that I was fond of, but won't be using. Maybe someone else could write the "hypno fan" story I outlined at the beginning, but it's not for me.

(Originally this post, which I started many weeks ago, was going to end with something like, "And one day I'll fuck up in my writing, and I hope people will be patient with me and give me the benefit of the doubt." Since then, a friend pointed out that my second ever shared story contains a crappy ethnic stereotype, that made her feel gross. I'm sorry, and I'll do better next time. Hold me to that. Every writer I admire, literally every one, has written something that was fucked up in some way, big or small. Just try to watch the Buffy thanksgiving episode featuring a native american ghost and not cringe. The serious thing is making the same mistake over and over. I pledge to keep creating, and to make only new and different mistakes!)

An MC Short Story: Oh My Brainwashed Darling

I wrote the first draft of this story in March, 2013, more than 2 years ago. Now the thing is caption stories on tumblr, which pack all the hotness into 1/5 of the wordcount, but at the time I was still very much into narratives, so I hope it amuses between the hot parts. On mcstories.com, this would be tagged mc, mf, and light md (male dominance). Uncle Filthy lyrics by a contributor who wishes to remain anonymous.

If there is one thing I’ve learned about life, it’s that it will never stop surprising you.

The best surprise I ever had was Carrie. Around the time I turned 50, my friends stopped “joshing” me about being a bachelor. I had practically come to accept it too. I didn’t how it happened exactly: I have a good job managing a small bank, and unlike most of my peers I’ve managed to avoid “middle-aged spread” through jogging, situps, and a chin-up bar in the kitchen doorway. I have a sweet little house of my own, and I try to stay involved in the community, between the bank, my activities with the Braintree Business Association, and Toastmasters. But somehow the right person just never came along.

Ten Highlights and Ten Quotations from My NEEHU 6

This will be my only con of any kind this year: 6000 km from northern Italy to attend The New England Erotic Unconference 6 in Hartford, Connecticut, and 6000 km back. (Not to mention a little 2000 km round trip detour to the London Hypnosis Workshop first, for just 48 hours, all of them spent in the workshop, in the airport, or on various trains. Could anyone less curiously persuasive than Lee Allure get me to do something that nutty?)

This year, my second NEEHU, I learned from the lessons of last year and planned so I could be there for every minute of it. From the hotel room party on Thursday, to helping carry food into the dungeon on Friday morning, to the play party on Saturday with everyone in their finery, to the post-con swim and hot tubbing on Sunday night, to the sleepy Monday morning breakfast. Epic. I highly recommend this. Every minute, I was soaking up being with these special friends, and the new friends I was making: people who don't just get my big passion, erotic hypnosis and mind control fantasy, but live it - in many cases every day.

In all I didn't do a lot of hypnotizing, in fact less than I did in the three days prior I spent in Boston reconnecting with friends. I put it down to being more thrashed by the travel than I expected, and also to how development of my skills, confidence, and relationships has been on pause, or nearly so, during my year away in Italy. I felt the sacrifice of that in my gut. But at the same time, it has led to unique experiences like going to kink parties in Milan and being hypnotized in Italian, (not to mention mountains, gelatos, cappuccinos, and learning my first foreign language). At least NEEHU was a chance to take a big step forward. Right now I'm bubbling with ideas and technique from the classes and informal chats, and more importantly the sheer inspiration of seeing all the hundreds of pairups of subject and hypnotist - 145 people in all! - with uncountably many instant inductions and hypnotic orgasms.

The highlights could just be a massive list of all the people I loved spending time with - especially the ones from New York City, Boston, Pittsburgh, and New Hampshire, you know who you are. It was like a summer camp reunion. (or a Camp Mindfuck reunion!) Instead, here are the first ten highlights that come to mind - and that should be safe to talk about:

* Convincing a number of people to rate hypnotic animated gifs on the prototype software I wrote, especially lizzy-doll and GleefulAbandon, who both rated an entire set of 100, and with whom - and I swear this was not my evil scheme! - I could see the unmistakable eyelid fluttering and body readjustment of heading into trance while viewing certain gifs. Wow was that sexy! It got so I could easily guess which ones they were going to give a "5", the highest rating for how "hypnotic and compelling" they found it. Here's lizzidoll's list (I got permission). Not only did they both have neat insights into what makes a gif hypnotic, lizzy-doll made a concrete suggestion that made my software better!

* ZanyM's striking and hot breathplay class, in which she Darth-Vader-Force-choked the comely Vox from across the classroom. Even more fun was the sequel on a hotel elevator ride, where she and her padwan had a force-choking battle. (only hypnokinksters in the elevator, I should mention)

* Buying my favourite brand of hypnosis porn directly off the hard drive of the man who makes it, Lex of entrancement.co.uk. Not to mention getting to hang out with him and confirming he's just as funny and cool as he seems in his videos. There's a farm-to-table porn experience! Especially cool to talk to him not just as a fan but as a colleague - for example getting valuable tips on hypnosis with people with a lower level of English.

* Seeing firsthand at least three powerful examples of hypnosis changing people's lives for the better, outside of the bedroom. Migraines, confidence, self-discovery, just for starters. Like this account by Amitus (fetlife account required) - I was one of the people from DMDW who didn't recognize him. I'm not interested in doing hypnosis as therapy myself, but it gives me warm fuzzy feelings to see how people's involvement in hypnokink has genuinely helped them.

* Being invited on my first ever panel, the Hypno Bloggers Roundtable, and feeling closer to the people behind the blogs I love and have learned from so much: Daja, DJPynchon, AmHypnotic, SpiralTurquoise, and Sleepingirl.

* Hypnosis kitsch everywhere, from the crystals and glowy spheres at the merch table, to the clever t-shirts, to at least a couple of custom hypnosis license plates. 

* North American pop culture nerding out all over, from the essentials like Harry Potter and Star Wars to beloved personal classics like Saga and The Tick. It was really great to be around people who were affected by the death of Terry Pratchett. At one point in the car some dork was like, now we should decide, which house in Harry Potter does each House in Game of Thrones map to? ...Actually that was me.

* Lee triggering 3 people to orgasm simultaneously in a Chinese restaurant. Not just once.

* A bunch of cases of laughing harder than I have in weeks. Like whole body, deep belly laughs. I can't even recall why (not hypnotically-induced!), I can just remember how it felt.

* AmHypnotic saying to me in the Dunkin' Donuts, "We are the ones on the cutting edge of hypnosis. Not the therapists, not the stage hypnotists. Because we value novelty, we are the ones who are continuously pushing it forward. They'll never catch up with us."

Things that I heard at the con, presented with no context:

• "So that's eyeball bondage. We have 15 minutes. Any questions?"
• "Instead of 'harem', I think she prefers 'entourage'."
• "Oh no, I'm a switch now!"
• "What can I give you that you won't take?"
• [Quoting a weird audience question:] "Can you hypnotize someone to make them your friend?"
• "Forest_sprite is the floppiest of floppy puppies."
• "I want to know what was going on in the hotel room with the blood curdling screams...and why they needed so many towels."
• "I just changed your circle to a Venn diagram."
• "I saw inside out chickens being sucked out of the 5th dimension."
• "I feel like you're not yet as evil as you want to be."

I feel so lucky that I was at a point in my life where I had the time and money to do this. It topped up my soul. So much gratitude to mephki for organizing it, and for all the other people who worked hard to make it amazing.

I see I ended my NEEHU post with this last year, but it's playing in my head, and it's so appropriate:

I Got Hypnotized in Italian

It happened during Lee Allure's Introduzione All'Ipnosi Erotica workshop this Saturday in Milan. A woman in my practice group was holding both my hands and then did an expert move - not the one Lee had taught us - that sent me tumbling into trance. ("who are these people?" I thought. "I need to get to know them!")

As I drifted, I realized at some point that the words reaching me in outer space were in Italian. Had she been talking Italian the whole time? But the rhythm of hypnosis was so familar, and each word revealed its meaning to me one by one, like a bubble popping. That was a cool feeling! I felt proud of my mind for retaining and using my Italian, even in a state of trance.

Still, I wonder: is this really the same as simply receiving language? Could this conscious process of translation interfere with the depth or the suggestions? What happens when there's a word I don't know? I would love to explore this as a subject more.

I also had my chance to do more hypnotizing of people who aren't fluent in English. Although I know many forms of non-verbal induction, I never realized how critical the pre-talk is, and the feedback afterward. Not being sure how many of my words were making it through, or how well I was understanding my subject, felt like trying to do a delicate job wearing big clumsy gloves. In general, this weekend I learned how much I lean on my verbal skills to connect with people and get in sync. I'm shy, except I normally have a lot of confidence in my words, my cultural references, etc. Practicing communicating powerfully without the vocabulary, and shared culture, should help me a lot as a hypnotist - and a communicator in general.

In several cases the trances were with first-time subjects, and that's where I really felt the challenge. In one case I was practicing a butterfly induction (another first!) with a man in my practice group, to no avail. Then the fourth member of the group murmured to him for a long time, and helped him reach a light trance. ("who are these people?") I couldn't really hear, but no doubt he was talking him through beliefs that were limiting his ability to let go.

That was a big theme this week, of people expressing doubt about their ability to go into trance or manifest suggestions. Over and over I listened to Lee deal masterfully with these insecurities (including my own when we did hypnosis together!), but it still seems like a problem that needs plenty of attention and thought. I suppose the real answer is that pickup play with beginners is the "hard mode" of hypnosis, and that it works better by developing subject skills, and customized approaches, over a recurring hypnotist/subject relationship. I've certainly seen rapid growth in confidence and responsiveness in people I've worked with over time, and I heard Lee tell someone that even one night's sleep does wonders, since the brain practices in REM.

My hypnosis got a tiny bit better with further trances, and I even heard myself switching to Italian here and there! "Più profondo, più profondo..." "Adesso, svegliati." There's so much to learn about cross-language hypnosis, but luckily I'm finding that I enjoy the hell out of practicing and want to do more - which is what you need for learning anything.

In any case, Lee's event was fantastic, with at least 30 Italian kinksters coming away with a grounding in erotic hypnosis and how awesome it can be. Sleipnir8 and Eve-01 did such a great job of organizing it on the Milano side, and it was a pleasure to spend time at the warm and welcoming household of SMdiClasse and plastika. I'm so grateful to everyone who helped make it happen! I really believe this could be the start of something big.

I went to play parties in Boston, but this weekend was also my first true public BDSM party - which I never pictured being both in Italian, and in a nightclub decorated to look like Captain Nemo's submarine. I was well outside my comfort zone, but thanks to some very sweet folks who had been to the workshop, I had a great time.

Plus I got to hang out with Lee, over several days of terrific conversation and company, that came with the privilege of introducing her to my little mountain town. And to the ways of Italia - where the bank closes at 3:30, but the Gelateria next to it is open at 11:30 pm on a Thursday. In February. Lee is great at noticing the hypnotic swirls in building decorations and shiny objects in shop windows, to the point where she got me wondering if fun hypnosis is so new to this country after all...

An MC Short Story: Porn for Moms

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Reviews of Five Hypnosis Books You Can Buy for Kindle (+ Douche-O-Meter)

(slang note for Italian friends: "douche" is short for "douchebag", so maybe: douche-o-meter = gradazioni di stronzo)
--
I had some lovely hypnosis in Milan recently, so this hasn't been an entirely dry spell, but until the overload of awesomeness that is the New England Erotic Hypnosis Unconference, and great events happening soon in Milan and London soon, for the most part my education only continues in the form of reading. I'm so grateful for my e-book reader, since all english-language e-books are just as easy to access here as in American, and so I've been catching up on what's out there.

I'm afraid there seems to be a big drop-off in interest from the three books specifically about erotic hypnosis, and Erickson's Hypnotic Realities, to everything else. I'm wary of both doorstop clinical textbooks and $1 sleazy self-published e-books, so I checked out five non-academic but properly published books. It was often rough going. There's a hell of an ego on some of these folks!

Based on this sample, a lot of hypnosis books are built around what I call the "hero psychiatrist" narrative - which I bet we have Freud to thank for. These are anecdotes told by the therapist that always follow the same structure:

a) the patient comes to them with an life-ruining affliction that no one has been able to help,
b) the psychologist makes a brilliant intuitive leap, and prescribes or administers a wildly unconventional treatment,
c) The patient is instantly cured forever.

The implicit message these authors send - besides "I'm amazing!" - is that curing psychological problems with hypnosis is easy and fun. And, by the way, makes you feel like a cross between Sherlock Holmes and Jesus!

This message bugs me a lot. Especially outside of a professional setting, I think wanting to be someone's therapist is a creepier and more destructive power fantasy than wanting to be their Master.

In writing reviews of these books, I was hearing myself complain a lot. Which was a drag. So I switched over to writing in a consumer-guide style, with a special section just for complaining. I give and explain the author's rating on a "douche-o-meter", where 5 is super douchey. This has actually helped me separate out the personality factor, and thereby see the value of each book. As well as helping me not to absorb those bad habits and attitudes along with the learning.

Of course the rating is just based on how the writing is coming across to me, and I know how hard it is to actually sound like yourself when you write. I'd probably like them a lot more in person. Or maybe not. But I hope this can be taken in a lighthearted manner, and not as intended to diminish their real contributions. 

I can't wait until the next generation of erotic hypnosis books - by Lee Allure, D.J. Pynchon, Professor X, MrDream, ChewToy, and who knows who else - since they're just as lovely and consent-oriented as Wiseguy (the author of my favourite hypnosis book, Mind Play). In the meantime, you might do just as well reading blogs, like the ones on my sidebar (not to mention YouTube), rather than books. Something to remember is that just because something is set forth as a system, as books often do, doesn't mean it's scientific, or even remotely helpful, as in the case of the many discredited hypnotic depth scales. At the stage of knowledge we're at with hypnosis, scattershot accounts of firsthand experiences may be the more valid approach.

But I still enjoy the book perspective, and now I'm looking for recommendations for more.

On Not Having a Say (When is a Check-In Not a Check-In?)

"Ci sarà una scelta, giusto?" (There will be a choice, right?)

I texted that to the person who had invited me on a mountain hike, my first real one. When she described it to me, she told me that we would hike to a rifugio (mountain hut with food and bathroom) and there would be the option for some people to continue on much farther, through snowy conditions, to the nearest peak. But I had an inkling it wouldn't play out like that - hence the text. No reply.

Sure enough, when the group of 7 people, all non-english-speaking Italians except for me, got to the rifugio, it was decided that we would all proceed to the peak. As a middle-class white male who's always been highly fluent in the dominant language, it was a new and very unpleasant experience to find myself not having a voice in the conversation. I could understand bits of what was said: two and half hours each way, maybe more - snow up to the knee - possibly dangerous. But the discussion was flying too fast for me to follow it, much less influence the course of it or get all my questions answered. At times they talked about me as if I wasn't there ("well <my name> is wearing jeans").

And then it was decided.

I still had the choice to go against this decision! Why didn't I? I was exhausted even after the smaller hike, and felt like I was about to throw up. But it was a brand new group of friends, and I didn't want to make an early impression as being difficult or wimpy. I knew it would be challenging and awkward to get my feelings across in Italian. And staying behind would have meant 4 hours by myself sitting around the rifugio.

So I didn't even really have an inner debate. I just sighed and knew that I would be going up the mountain. There was some talk of, "if some people are tired, they can turn back," but I knew that wasn't a thing either.

A couple of times people would check in with me: "Everything ok?" What could I do but smile, give a thumbs up and go, "Sì!"

Obviously I'm working towards a kink-consent-type message here. But where it gets complicated is that the hike went great! One of the best experiences in my life, in fact. I got to use crampons for the first time, I felt fine, and the views were almost overwhelming in their beauty. I'm super glad I did it.

This twist would tend to confirm the view held by some people, often of an authoritarian/conservative orientation (and I mean that neutrally), that often people don't know their own potential, and need to be pushed to do things they truly don't want to do, and become stronger that way.

But I don't think that's compatible with the explicit consent model of kink that I believe in (and that is beginning to colour my views overall). I believe that even if you sometimes think you know better than someone what their true needs and limits are, ultimately they are the only person who can really be the judge. If someone feels they're not ready, you trust them on that. If they think they need to stop, they need to stop. And people have the right to choose their level of risk. So even though I was happy in the end, I still had the (brief, minor) experience of a lack of agency, of not feeling like I had a say in what would happen to me, in a way that I haven't really felt since middle school.

(of course all the folks who are routinely denied agency because of their identities are chuckling ruefully at me right now...)

All this was much magnified by the difficulty in making myself understood, and to be able to follow the information going into the decision. More subtly, to not be part of the swift flow of a discussion, and the layers of personal transactions beneath it. As a side point, the fact that the group didn't have an official leader also made it more difficult: some people are always more influential than others in such situations, but no one is accountable, everyone can say it was "the group" that decided.

More than the issue of respect for agency, the bigger issue is that the situation they created was risky. I could feel the pressure viscerally, and how I would have had to go even if it had been a much bigger deal for me. And this was just about a long walk. At most I might have twisted an ankle or got heat exhaustion. If this was a bondage, fireplay, knifeplay, or even heavy D/s scene, with heavy emotions involved, much bigger things would have been at risk. All these Italians were super nice, considerate people - it just felt more natural to talk around me rather than suffer the friction of the communication barrier. So I realized this is one way scenes can go badly wrong despite everyone being well intentioned.

So here are some kink lessons I want to take away from this:

• Making sure everyone involved in a scene is truly ok with what's going to happen is an involved process, consisting of lots of two-way communication, and must not be rushed or bulldozed through.
• Scenes should have momentum, but that must be at least partially an illusion. No matter how elaborate the conception, how much you've been looking forward to it, how much of a hassle it will be to change course, whether there's an audience or money involved, you must be ready to shut it down on a moment's notice if anyone involved wants it to. And that means both having that in your mind, and taking the time to build that into the scene in the planning stages. Otherwise a check-in is an empty gesture.
• Picture the person in your group who is least effective at communicating their needs and wishes. Maybe because english isn't their first language, or they have a disability, or because they are new to kink and don't know the vocabulary or their own limits, or they are a "pleaser", or they currently under the influence of anxiety or subspace. Look inside yourself: do you deep down believe that person's needs and wishes are less important than the other people's? If so, then maybe you should take yourself out of a planning or decision making role.

(Just to be clear, I want to say that although my italian is slowly improving, I'm also getting more comfortable with being the slightly-confused one in the group - it's certainly good for me! - and I consider it a great treat and privilege to be able to hang out with native Italians. For anything less intense than a 6 hour hiking commitment, I'm perfectly happy bumbling along not getting everything!)

An Erotic Hypnosis Scene: Wet

Warning to the reader: this is an account of a scene that involved pee.
--
I paced back and forth in the hotel room at a furious rate. The moment Michelle showed up, we would be starting a scene beyond anything I had done before. And it all had to take place, from warmup to aftercare, within 90 minutes. I felt supercharged knowing it was real, that this was going to happen, this scene that we had mapped out in a long discussion over dinner and in the days before.

One of the things Michelle (not her real name) is into is watersports. I stayed away from asking about it, even as we did more intense hypnosis that included dominance and submission, because I didn't get it. But once, lying in bed together, Michelle told me about a time when a play partner took her to a public park. There in the middle of the park he instructed her to pee her pants. And she did it. It was a memory she had masturbated to ever since.

I had an "aha" moment, that in this case watersports was about humiliation, and control: his control over her, and her losing control of herself, in an utterly taboo way. And then the realization: uh oh, I might be kind of into pee too.

Weeks later, Michelle told me a new erotic fantasy she had been having about hypnosis - I love it so much when that happens - and I said absolutely we can do this. All we need is a hotel room.

At last she came in the door in the green latex dress that had caused me and and so many other people to lust after her all day. I closed the door, pulled her into my arms - feeling her hot skin through the rubbery dress - and we kissed. Then I said into her ear, "FREEZE."

The post-hypnotic trigger took hold immediately, and I was able to admire her from every side and explore her body with my hands, while she stared straight ahead. I grabbed the big ring on the zipper on the front of her dress, and did what it made everyone want to do: pull down. Her breasts popped out of the latex, and I massaged them with my hands as she stood there like a statue.

Finally, I said, "MELT," and a second later she was kissing me passionately, still right in front of the door, her exposed bare chest pressing into my shirt. I zipped her dress off completely, and told her to lie down on the bed in her panties. I straddled her, and hypnotized her more fiercely than I have ever hypnotized someone. I ordered her to look into my eyes. I told her to see the intent there, that it was my will pressing her down into trance. That she needed to obey me and drop deeper than ever before, so that my instructions could sink into her mind and command her behaviour so powerfully. She succumbed quickly, her submissiveness taking the place of any deepener.

I told her just for tonight, just in this hotel room, when I said "Position," she would find her body squatting down all by itself, as if to pee. And she would be stuck there until I gave her the trigger, "Release". I also said that when I said the word "Wet" she would find that the urine would start to move through her system, and the more times I said it the less she would be able to hold it back.

After a few reinforcements, I woke her up and had her stand beside the bed. "Position." She squatted down. I asked her to try to stand up, and she couldn't. This was already fun. I pushed her face into the crotch of my jeans, since she was at just the right height.

"Release." She stood back up, and we kissed some more.

Eventually I said, "Shall we?" and she nodded. I led her into the bathroom and had her stand in the tub. She was still wearing her panties, which I roughly pulled down to her ankles.

"Position." I had butterflies in my stomach, and I was so turned on. "Wet. Wet. Wet. Wet." She squeezed her eyes shut and let out a whine. "It's happening, there's no way to stop it. You're going to wet yourself for me. Wet. Wet. Wet." I began stroking my hand down her bare torso, guiding it.

For a awhile she was just making faces and squirming. At last I saw a thin stream of pee going down, and heard it hitting the bathtub. Michelle's face was red.

I turned on the tap in the bathtub, and washed it away. "Release." I gave her my hand to stand up - it occurred to me that she had been squatting for a while. I said, "Do you want to sit on the toilet?" And she nodded.

She cleaned herself up, and, while I was standing in front of her, spontaneously leaned forward, unzipped my pants, and took out my cock. She put me in her mouth, and it didn't take long to get me off.

We cuddled on the bed together, luxuriating in the time we had before, absurdly, we each had other things to do. A time when saying, "That was...really something," seems entirely inadequate. But I said it anyway.

Learning That Women Are Kinky (But Not like I'm Kinky)

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Trancing On My Own: Preparation

I want to get into self-hypnosis, because I think it will make me a better hypnotist, and also help me in my life. As everyone who's experienced it knows, a trance leaves you feeling relaxed and great, and I'm intrigued (while skeptical) about the possibility of self-help post-hypnotic suggestions.

I am talking specifically about the kind of self hypnosis you can do quietly, by yourself, without an audio recording of an induction or a text-based induction to read. In this post I'm just going to focus on getting into trance, not how to best get post-hypnotic suggestions in.

I have barely tried it yet, so this post will pull together some resources I've encountered, and I hope people will share with me their own experience and tips with self-hypnosis, as well as other resources they know about.

The most extensive discussion of self-hypnosis I've found is in Roberta Temes' book The Complete Idiot's Guide to Hypnosis. If you can get past the title, and the somewhat irritating "Complete Idiots" formatting, there are some good beginner tips in here. Since she takes the position that no one should hypnotize without professional credentials, the focus is on preparing for a session with a hypnotherapist, and on self-hypnosis.

Here is her basic self-induction:

Set your timer for 10 minutes. Now you will start your induction into the hypnotic state by choosing a spot to stare at. It can be anywhere in your surroundings. Perhaps your spot will be a place on your wall, a picture frame, a crack on the ceiling, or something outside the window.

Good. Let's begin:

1. Lean back and make yourself comfortable.

2. Stare at your chosen spot.

3. Take several good, deep breaths.

4. Tell yourself that your body is feeling warmer and warmer.

5. Tell yourself that your body is getting heavier and heavier.

6. Allow yourself to slowly drift off into a state of deep relaxation.

7. Feel how warm, how comfortable, how heavy your body is becoming.

8. You are at peace; you are at rest.

9. From now until the timer gently awakens you, you will concentrate on feeling rested and relaxed, calm and comfortable.

10. Keep staring at your spot; stare and stare and stare.

11. Your body is quiet.

12. Your hands and feet are particularly warm and heavy. They may feel a bit tingly.

13. Give yourself permission to feel the relaxation spread throughout your body.

14. You'll soon close your eyes. You may concentrate on whatever pleasant image pops into your mind, or you may prefer to keep your mind a blank.

15. Gently close your eyes, and keep them closed until the timer rings.

When the timer rings, open your eyes and sit up. Slowly and gradually you can return your regular feelings to your body and to your mind. Take your time.

It's not clear exactly how one is meant to use this induction, if it isn't meant to be read aloud - surely you're not going to memorize all 15 points. I suppose it's just intended to convey a certain mood, and you can remember that.

There are a couple of variations:

See yourself on the bottom step of a staircase. It can be an old, plain staircase or a glamorous Las Vegas hotel staircase. It may be indoors or outside. It may be a staircase you use regularly or one from your imagination. See yourself slowly walking to the top. Tell yourself that when you reach the top you'll be deeply hypnotized. Tell yuorself that you'll count as you walk up. Begin with number one when you're at the bottom step and continue to count until number five, when you'll be at the top stpe. Remain on top, feeling relaxed and content.

When the timer rings, begin to walk down. With each step you take, begin to return your regular feelings to your mind and your body. When you reach the bottom stair you'll be back to regular.

and:

Visualize a restful, calming, outdoor scene. It may be a place that's familiar to you, or it may be one you've freamt about. In your mind's eye, whne you're deeply relaxed and feeling warm and heavy, allow yourself to see this scene clearly. Count to yourself from one to five. With each number, let yourself see an additional detail. When you reach the number five, you'll be deeply engrossed and absorbed in the scene. When the timer rings, you'll slowly emerge and come back to regular.

Finally, in the chapter about self-hypnosis for sleep, there's a script with some great tactile imagery:

1. See yourself on a small, private beach.

2. You are sitting on the shore watching the water.

3. You are absentmindedly coating your legs with mud.

4. And now you are covering the rest of your body with mud.

5. The mud is wet. The mud is heavy. See the mud on your arms and on your legs.

6. Your chest and stomach and back are covered with mud, too. Your body feels heavy from the weight of the mud.

7. The mud is weighing you down. You are heavier and heavier. Feel the heaviness as you sink deeper and deeper.

8. Your body is so heavy you cannot move.

9. The mud weighs you down. You lie still. You are calm.

10. You are cool. You are comfortable. Your body is so heavy you do not move...you do not open your eyes...your eyes close and you sleep...and you sleep...and you sleep.

11. Pleasant dreams and good night. You are sleeping so comfortably, so peacefully.

As for other resources, Wiseguy, in his insanely great erotic hypnosis book Mind Play, has a nice simple one - easy to memorize:

1. Settle into a comfortable position in a quiet, private place.  I recommend a comfortable chair, possibly a recliner or an easy chair, but you can also use your bed or sofa; I've had people who practice self-hypnosis while sitting on their favorite yoga mat on the floor.  Whatever you choose is fine, but ideally it should support your body fully in a comfortable position.

2. Take a few long, slow, deep breaths.  Inhale completely, filling your lungs all the way, and hold it for a few seconds.  Then slowly let the breath out until your lungs are empty.   This is relaxing in itself and should help to clear your mind.

3. Look at a clock or watch, moving as little as possible, and note the time.  Tell yourself, “I will practice my self-hypnosis for the next X minutes and then come completely back, fully awake and alert.”  Start with just a few minutes, no more than 10; with practice you can work your way up to longer sessions.

4. Now close your eyes and imagine becoming a rag doll, every muscle loose and relaxed. Starting with your feet and working up to the top of your head, focus on each muscle group in turn and relax those muscles as much as you possibly can.  Don't worry about whether you are actually going into trance or not; just focus on relaxing your body as much as possible. You want to feel as though each body part is too relaxed to move.

5. Now imagine that the area behind your closed eyelids is a completely blank screen, like a movie screen, and that every conscious thought you have creates a spark of light on that screen.  Focus on keeping the screen as clear as possible.

6. At some point, you will suddenly become alert again.  Open your eyes and look at the clock.

(reprinted with permission)

I once ran across a nice short description of someone's self-hypnosis on a Fetlife forum, which I can't find again to credit them, due to the frustrating lack of a search feature. I only copied the heart of the text:

 floating on my back in a pool. I can feel the warmth of the sun on my skin, the water lapping onto my stomach. I open my eyes and see the clouds moving slowly across the sky…cirrocumulus, so no chance of rain. So I close my eyes and just feel the warmth and slightly bob along the water...

If someone recognizes it, please let me know so I can give credit. The main point it got across to me is that as with regular hypnosis, everyone is different in the language, imagery, and general approach that are most effective for them. It will take some work to craft it for you.

I think we can also learn about self-hypnosis from meditation. Here is the simplest, most generic possible mindfulness meditation, from The Willpower Instinct by Kelly McGonigal. This is also the only one of these I have practiced, 5 minutes at a time a few times a week, and it does feel wonderful.

1. Sit still and stay put .
Sit in a chair with your feet flat on the ground, or sit cross-legged on a cushion. Sit up straight and rest your hands in your lap. It’s important not to fidget when you meditate—that’s the physical foundation of self-control. If you notice the instinct to scratch an itch, adjust your arms, or cross and uncross your legs, see if you can feel the urge but not follow it. This simple act of staying still is part of what makes meditation willpower training effective. You’re learning not to automatically follow every single impulse that your brain and body produce.

2. Turn your attention to the breath.
Close your eyes or, if you are worried about falling asleep,
focus your gaze at a single spot (like a blank wall, not the Home Shopping Network). Begin to notice your breathing. Silently say in your mind “inhale” as you breathe in and “exhale” as you breathe out. When you notice your mind wandering (and it will), just bring it back to the breath. This practice of coming back to the breath, again and again, kicks the prefrontal cortex into high gear and quiets the stress and craving centers of your brain .

3. Notice how it feels to breathe, and notice how the mind wanders.
After a few minutes, drop the labels “inhale/exhale.” Try focusing on just the feeling of breathing. You might notice the sensations of the breath flowing in and out of your nose and mouth. You might sense the belly or chest expanding as you breathe in, and deflating as you breathe out. Your mind might wander a bit more without the labeling. Just as before, when you notice yourself thinking about something else, bring your attention back to the breath. If you need help refocusing, bring yourself back to the breath by saying “inhale” and “exhale” for a few rounds. This part of the practice trains self-awareness along with self-control.

I found a variation of this in John Kabat-Zinn's Full Catastrophe living:

EXERCISE 1
1. Assume a comfortable posture lying on your back or sitting. If you are sitting, as best you can sit in a posture that embodies dignity, keeping the spine straight and letting your shoulders drop.

2. Allow your eyes to close, if it feels comfortable to you.

3. Allow your attention to gently alight on your belly, as if you were coming upon a shy animal sunning itself on a tree stump in a clearing in the forest. Feel your belly rise or expand gently on the inbreath, and fall or recede on the outbreath.

4. As best you can, maintain the focus on the various sensations associated with breathing, “being with” each inbreath for its full duration and “being with” each outbreath for its full duration, as if you were riding the waves of your own breathing.

5. Every time you notice that your mind has wandered off the breath, notice what it was that carried you away, and then gently bring your attention back to your belly and to the sensations associated with the breath coming in and with the breath going out.

6. If your mind wanders away from the breath a thousand times, then your "job" is simply to notice what is on your mind at the moment that you come to realize that it is no longer on your breathing, and then to bring your attention back to the breath each and every time, no matter what it becomes preoccupied with. As best you can, continually rest in the awareness of the feeling of the breath moving in and out of the body, or come back to it over and over again.

What is in fact the difference between meditation and self-hypnosis? It's a tough question. I would say that some types of meditation, especially guided imagery ones, are identical to hypnosis, but I think mindfulness meditation might feel different than the typical styles of hypnosis. I think it may be a more alert, outward-focused feeling, and less zonked. But that's a gross generalization. Even if they were equivalent but for the language, though, language is important. For example just labelling it hypnosis could make it more involving for some people - especially if they are hypnofetishists! For a subset of those people, it might help them to frame it as training to be more responsive for a hypnotic dominant partner (real or potential).

Some more points that kept coming up in these discussions:

• Self-hypnosis is a lot easier if you've been in a good trance before. So one reason to work with a live hypnotist (or a recording) even if you have some misgivings and plan to focus on self-hypnosis.
• It gets better with practice, and many of these folks advocate practicing every day.
• The first time might not be so deep - don't worry too much about whether you're "really" hypnotized.

So I think I'm ready to begin my experiments, which I'll report back. A couple of the people I introduced to hypnosis as subjects have taken up self-hypnosis, much to my delight, so I should try to catch up! But again, I'd love to hear your experience and tips with trancing on your own.

Hypnosis in Ireland

I met SteedIRL (his Fetlife handle) at NEEHU, a dapper Irish gent in white goatee, pinstripe suit and homberg hat, and we had a fascinating conversation about how hypnosis might be combined with traditional Irish storytelling. Subsequently I got a kick out of his most irreverent use of Fetlife, and followed his efforts to learn about hypnosis, and to plant the seeds of hypnokink in Dublin and Belfast. Since my summer vacation took me somewhat nearby, I made it a priority to hang out with him and talk to Irish kinksters about hypnosis. Before I knew it, he'd created an event, and people were signing up!

I couldn't have wished for a better host, or better company. Soon after I got off the bus, we were on our way to the Palace bar, which was next thing to home for Flann O'Brien and other Irish literary greats. This was a tremendous thrill for me - in fact SteedIRL was the first (and to date, only) person to recognize that my pseudonym is derived from O'Brien's The Third Policeman. Which made me like him immediately.

There were more wonderful historic bars that weekend, and more pints of Guinness than I have ever drunk in a 48 hour period. SteedIRL is a terrific conversationalist, and we got into talking about art and literature as much as  kink and hypnosis - in fact on the saturday before the study group, we hit both an art gallery and a performance of selections from classic Irish plays and books.

That afternoon six of us gathered in the back room of a coffee shop, and there was a wonderful enthusiasm in the air for learning about erotic hypnosis. Even though SteedIRL and I are relative beginners, it was nice to feel like we had something to share, with folks who were practically brand new to hypnosis and to the idea that it could go together with sex and BDSM.

I was glad to get practice with the inevitable question about the risks of hypnosis - I did ok, but I think I could have put it more concisely using the concept of RACK, Risk Aware Consensual Kink: like everything that falls under BDSM, there is a fair amount of trust and knowledge required, but as long as communication is extensive and partners' agency is taken seriously, adults can consent to do these activities with each other, for the sake of large amounts of pleasure and interest.

I hypnotized a volunteer in the class, using what I've come to think of as the blunt instrument of inductions, the Elman induction - even if you just met the person, and they're new to being hypnotized, this will probably work. Wiseguy even used it when he came to present in Boston (you can find an excellent script for it in his book, Mind Play). It went very well, just a demonstration of going into and coming out of trance, and he even said that the heartburn he'd felt coming on before the study group had receded!  Even better was SteedIRL's demonstration of a couple of kinky human tricks with an established hypno partner of his.

Some of us went to yet another pub, where I learned that North Americans are famous for saying "awesome" a lot, and that the Irish equivalent is "grand", or for extra emphasis, "savage!"

That night I got turned away at the door of the big Dublin kink party, Nimhneach. I'd packed dressy clothes but not fetishy clothes, and I didn't meet their dress code. The door guy said the only way I could get in was if I took off my shirt and put bondage tape on my chest - amusingly, that is apparently their equivalent of the emergency dinner jacket at a high class restaurants - but I demurred. SteedIRL had warned me amply, and I fully support their dress policy. But it still stung, like a real-life version of those sweaty dreams about having to write an exam that you for some reason didn't get around to preparing for. Next time I will come correct, in a way that expresses who I am as a kinkster.

After more great conversation (and Guinness) with SteedIRL on Sunday, I was on my way to the next leg of my vacation - just as awesome, although not kink-based. I'm really starved for that kind of talk, absent my Boston Hypno Munch and study group meetings. Any time two hypnotists get together there are always lots of wonderful new ideas generated.

I'm so excited for SteedIRL's efforts to develop hypnokink in Ireland. As everywhere, there is some understandable caution, since it's such a new concept for most people, but that's an opportunity to talk about a modern, explicit-consent-based approach - a very different picture of hypnosis than the one people get from fiction and stage shows. And it's so cool to think of a uniquely Irish brand of hypnokink beginning, from many new hypnotists and subjects, learning and developing. I stressed to the Irish kinksters I met that as far as I can see, right now is ground zero for this new dimension of BDSM, and there are so many possibilities yet to be explored.

Don't Lower Your Expectations: Something I Learned from the Premiere of Serenity

A lot of people have independently come up with the idea that it is wise to lower your expectations, so as to avoid disappointment. For example, here's a chart by a videogame reviewer I like, about how you shouldn't get excited about upcoming videogame releases. Or as John Cusack says to Lily Taylor in Say Anything: "You probably got it all figured out, Corey. If you start out depressed, everything's  kind of a pleasant surprise."

I think this approach is wrong, because of when I watched Serenity, on opening night, August 22, 2005. I was a huge Firefly fan, and both enjoyed myself and tortured myself watching those short 14 episodes over and over, so I looked forward to that date for months. My expectations were that the movie would be fucking awesome, and the movie far exceeded my expectations. And that's the greatest feeling. (and I got it again for Avengers!)

So, you don't get to have that feeling if you lower your expectations. That's it. That's my whole argument.

But I'll also say: what's so bad about disappointment? Disappointment is a human emotion. Let yourself be disappointed. I've heard depression described not as feeling sad, but as not being able to feel anything. I'm glad I went to Star Wars Episode I on opening night. I'm glad my expectations were high. The crappiness of that movie knocked me on my ass like a rogue wave, and I treasure that memory. It made a scar that I share with every fellow generation X nerd. And this of course applies to non-trivial, grownup disappointments, even more so. Letting yourself get hurt connects you with other people.

Also, by the way, how do you feel when you're holding down your expectations? When you're cautiously measuring out your optimism? Do you feel lively and vibrant? Are you excited to get up in the morning? I'm guessing not so much. Why deny yourself the pleasure of looking forward to things?

The one caveat is don't create too detailed a picture of how it will be awesome. Because it will be different from that. Like my kink time in Boston. It was so much more awesome than I ever expected, but in very surprising ways. If you don't get fixated on individual imagined details, you're free to appreciate the awesomeness in whatever form it comes in.

All things being equal, I say set your expectations high. You have no idea where the top is. Think about the possibility of a party, scene, person, period of your life, being better than anything you've ever known.

Or as Lily Taylor says to John Cusack in Say Anything: "Get ready for greatness, Lloyd."

A Canadian Kinkster in Milan

Last weekend I travelled to Milan and met a bunch of kinksters - my first kink activity in a long time! I got invited by the two guys who started the Italian erotic hypnosis Fetlife group - only two weeks old when I found it! - who are @SMdiClasse and @Sleipnir8, and responded to my laboriously translated introduction message.

So I got off at the mind-meltingly huge, Mussolini-era train station with a few butterflies in my stomach: new city in Italy, new people, and, after all, my entree is weird sex stuff. But the moment I got to the venue, @tom_del_fiume and SMdiClasse's slave @plastika greeted me warmly, and went out of their way to make me feel like the group wanted me there. And it's hard to think of a group I've liked more on first encounter.

This was my first munch of any kind outside of Boston, let alone outside of the United States, so I was very interested to see what it was like. The Milan munch definitely is a step up from the Boston munches in ambience - but that's not hard, considering in Boston they are mostly held in brightly lit mall food courts. The munch-goers had taken over the entire downstairs room of a loungy bar, making for a moodier, sexier setting. (although one attendee confided to me, "I am a punk! I can't stand this!") I would say people were more sharply dressed on average, which added to the sexiness. There was casual drinking, which was interesting. I have noticed that alcohol is a staple of social life here, but rarely with the intention of getting drunk. I thought to myself, let's see how the munch thing feels different with a cocktail. I ordered something called a "Sbagliato" - which translates to "mistake". Not a mistake. But a powerful beverage!

The people were instantly friendly and awesome, sharing a lot about kink life in Italy and asking me lots of questions about myself. There were a couple of dozen people, averaging around 30. The mixture of free spiritedness and nerdiness (yes, Doctor Who is also massive here) sure reminded me of why so much of my social life in Boston switched over to hanging out with kinksters.

And people were very nice about language - I could indulge my primitive Italian a little, but was mostly steered towards the people who had the best english (though most of them were pretty good). But they taught me some valuable vocabulary over the weekend: "mi faccio una sega", which is to jerk off, from the verb for sawing wood; "alla cazzo di cane", which means "to do something as with a dog's dick," i.e. not well; and "troietta", which translates to something like "my little whore". Interestingly, very much of the Italian kink vocabulary is in english, for example "impact play", indicating its origin in American kink culture.

Sleipnir8 and SMiDiClasse got there later, and it was a treat to finally meet them. They are the two people beginning to experiment with erotic hypnosis in the scene there, which is tremendously exciting for me, and there was so much to discuss.

Sleipnir8 and I got invited to a play party after the munch, and that was another fascinating experience. About 10 of us in an apartment living room, and as in Boston, the evening began with friendly chat and joking around, then showing off of implements and playful hitting. Then more earnest hitting and ropey play, with different degrees of nudity (but without anything too sexual, at least in the traditional sense). So I felt right at home! Specifically, it was like my favourite regular party in Somerville, MA. The most noticeable differences of the evening: indoor smoking, Proseco, and espressos.

The people told me that the Italian kink scene has grown rapidly in the last few years, though mostly confined to the big cities such as Milan and Rome. I could see the enormous influence of the American kink framework, I'm sure mostly through Fetlife and other American websites, and yet they are working on a high level. They're experienced with the impact toys we know and love, as well as fire play and electrical play. As for rope bondage, I saw what seemed to my eye to be an expert TK, and a suspension.

I was a little curious about whether the Italian scene would be more old-fashioned when it came to gender roles. I'm sure that is a complex question, but on a surface level anyway, I'm happy to say there were at least two non-male riggers, as well as non-male topping.

I spent Saturday walking around Milan, peering in the windows of the big brands like Prada and Gucci (did not dare go inside, dressed in tourist garb as I was - though with spiral t-shirt) and looking at art and architecture. I especially loved the wrought ironwork and the intricate masonry details everywhere, monster faces and gods peering out of the corners of every building.

It made me reflect that kink and high culture make for a nice combination. Of course Boston has beauty and culture, but when I think of it I think more often of food court food, the Red Sox, and American nerd pop culture references. Part of that, and part of the gap between BDSM in real life and in the romantic depictions of it, is simply to do with money. That porn is to some extent also lifestyle porn. In my circumstances I can barely think about buying a couch, let alone sumptuous old-world furnishings of a red den of sinfulness! I only get to live in Italy because of peculiar circumstances of my career. But even in a regular young-person apartment like in the play party, with Game of Thrones and X-Box games on the shelves, I felt like art, history and various sensual refinements from the city outside seeped in and formed the backdrop.

In the evening on Saturday I went to SMdiClasse's gorgeous apartment with a view of the city, for a somewhat hypnosis-themed dinner party and hangout. It was wonderful to get to know all these folks, sitting on the balcony with its luscious collection of herbs and vegetables, and there was a good amount of hypnosis talk, as well as talk about all manner of things. I definitely caught myself tuning out when there was a lot of fast Italian, but it was very good for my learning, and when I come back next I will be better equipped.

As with the night before, I had a chance to give a short hypnosis demonstration. Neither went very impressively, but people were polite and interested, and asked a lot of great questions. I brought Wiseguy's Mind Play and talked it up to everyone. Nevertheless I haven't yet suceeded at showing off what I find so amazing about erotic hypnosis. I am learning that even outside of language issues (which I will write about some time), there are a lot of challenges with preparing a hypnosis demo with a new group.

However, Sleipnir8 told me that at the big Sunday afternoon party - which I unfortunately had to miss due to work - he and his submissive had a lot of sexy fun with a "simon says" trigger. So he picked up the slack!

What a fantastic time. I'm so grateful to my hosts, and to everyone for being so crazy welcoming. Can't wait to go back.