If Negotiation isn't Awkward, You're Not Doing it Right

I remember a big panic in the 90s about explicit consent - there was a lot of comedy about the idea that now you would have to ask explicitly for every step of a heavy petting session, for example in a sketch I remember starring Mike Myers: "May I please fondle your breasts?" "Yes, that would be acceptable." The idea was that it would be a massive mood killer, to awkwardly say all this out loud.

In the modern-day kink world, explicit consent is the norm, or at least the ideal, and I remember reading posts when I first joined Fetlife 6 years ago to the effect that negotiation can be sexy. That talking about it out loud can be a kind of smooth dance, and seductive, too.

Maybe, but for my own part I'm back to thinking the conversation actually needs to be awkward. In fact I'm thinking it should sound closer to that sketch. It might be a special case in my main kink, hypnosis, where you have to do almost all the negotiation up front, because hard-edged ability to consent starts to be impaired even when awake after several trances in a row (and negotiating during trance is even more dicey). Although I think the same could also apply to rope space and sub space.

But I'm finding myself more and more sitting on the couch at the beginning of the night, asking questions in a neutral tone of voice like:

"Are you ok with kissing?"

"How do you feel about me touching you in the genital area, with my fingers? Mouth?"

"Would you mind if I took out my penis and started masturbating later on?"

And so on. And getting asked those kind of questions! Lots of these questions, back and forth. Both of us cold sober, neither of us particularly turned on.

This is painfully awkward to do! No one in vanilla culture would ever do it. I only have the courage to do it because I've had the experience of getting an enthusiastic "Yes!" - from partners in the kink world who've learned to trust that they can say it. That it won't be deliberately misinterpreted as consenting to much more.

What about the fact that some people might not feel like it right then, but might be into it once they get turned on? Either they have to guess that about themselves, say yes and be ready to negotiate downward if they don't end up feeling it; or say no and maybe get stuck hot and bothered, not able to do the things they now want to do. The latter has happened to me, and it's not a bad result! Worst case scenario is you miss a chance to do a sexy thing with that someone forever. But a much more likely outcome is you get motivation to see each other again, and get excited to put it on the table when you do.

The problem with negotiation as seduction is two-fold as I see it: first, seduction is manipulation. Only lightly so, invitingly, pleasantly, but the idea is really to change someone's mind about what they wanted to do with you when they walked in the room. That might be an issue right there. And being aroused is a somewhat altered state, that could lead to agreeing to things you regret later.

Second, by phrasing an offer in elaborate seductive terms, you are creating sexy momentum, that might take additional energy for the other person to halt. Would someone giving you a flat "No." feel like a record-scratch moment? Then something's going wrong. Especially if you have a self-image as a master seducer, there could be pressure on the other person not to puncture that.

It has to be multiple choice. It has to be as customizable as the elaborate Starbucks coffee orders that were also a hilarious joke in the 90s. If I may paraphrase Garto, the gentle bigfoot river guide from Chuck Tingle's "Not Pounded At The Last Second Because Consent Can Be Given And Revoked At Any Moment And This Is A Wonderful Thing That’s Important To Understand", the river has many forks and it's ok to take either fork or stop entirely. There has to be room for people to put in their very specific limits and needs, and get as granular about it as necessary.

But doing this in practice is nerve wracking. For one thing, you are laying out exactly what you were hoping to do with the other person that night. And that makes you vulnerable, especially the real possibility that there is a big disconnect in your expectations. That's scary! One person is hoping to tongue a butthole, while the other came in looking for a few panties-on spanks. Again, it's about finding partners who can roll with that, on both sides.

Just a couple of weeks ago, long after starting this essay, I was on an inflatable mattress and wanting to make it more sexual with someone than we had done before. But I didn't want to say that out loud - even though that's what I believe is the right approach. I used body language and our history together and giving them space to retreat, and I guessed. I went for it.

It ended up being fine, but it easily could not have been. Why didn't I ask?

Again, it's that desire to be smooth, that keeps coming back, what I have named in another essay Dom Draper - the image of the omniscient, suave experienced top who creates a seamless experience. That's what causes half the fuckups. He's in my brain too, and I have to murder him over and over again.

Or was it not desire to be smooth, but terror of awkwardness that kept me from asking? Fear of sounding weak, or making myself vulnerable to getting shot down, or just being embarassed to say those words. Femme friends have reported that this is depressingly common in their encounters with men: that they go ahead and do things that they are too scared to explicitly ask for.

We all have to learn to say the words. With practice, negotiations don't have to be stiff or bureaucratic: they can be warm, friendly, sometimes funny, not unsexy. I'm 95-99% in agreement with excellent and useful classes like this one. But as I see it the early conversations in a relationship will still be awkward as hell, and that's how it has to be.

Embrace the awkwardness, and most of all follow this rule:

If You Can't Say It, Don't Do It