The Men Who Want to Live in Pornutopia

At least two friends asked me not to go to the party.

This was a few years ago in Boston. It was one in a series of retro 50s-themed parties, with only submissive women and only dominant men, and a Mad-Men-style dress code. In an earlier, public version of the description he wrote, "Women who come should expect to be groped!" (people got mad about that one, so he took it down)

Why did I go? First, a female friend invited me, and I knew two other female acquaintances that were going. Second, I was flattered to be invited to present about hypnosis, something I was longing to do, and to be invited to a closed sex party in general. Also, I wanted to.

But I recognized something in this ad - this is a guy who wants to live in pornutopia. Pornutopia is the world that mainstream, vanilla hetero porn takes place in (although the concept easily extends to kinky tastes), filled with only women who are hot and hyperfeminine to hetero male taste, have no limits, just want to please, and are willing with the slightest proposition. (it's also similar to Japanese dating videogames, or, if you're old like me, Leisure Suit Larry).

Our host, let's call him Pete, was a short muscular guy in his forties, who had transformed his small apartment into a 50s wonderland. Every piece of furniture was styled after the 50s and early 60s, immaculate mid-century modern, even the massive chrome fridge, which he proudly told us he had trained his sub to defrost. This interest went deep - I heard him give a little speech about how much more awesome the 50s were, which was impressive  because he was talking to a black woman. When she gently pointed out it wasn't that awesome for black women, he let it pass by.

Despite that awkwardness, I was feeling pretty groovy. All of us were standing in the kitchen drinking martinis, the men in suits and ties, the women in pretty dresses that poofed. Vintage black and white porn was projected in a little square on a wall.

Both men and women spent a fair bit of time shit-talking other Boston kink events and communities: those folks are uptight and prudish, they're ready to condemn you for the slightest little thing, there's no sexiness - all they do at their parties is sit around and talk about consent and social justice. About the last point I thought to myself, they're not completely wrong.

Pete contrasted his own event and its safety approach, which is that he personally screened every invitee, male and female, by having dinner with them.

We did our hypnosis presentation. It went great.

Pete had said repeatedly, "I find that play begins organically over the course of the night." But it was pretty late, with just four men and three women left, when Pete clapped his hands and said, "Ok, now the play starts."

There was a public paddling over the kitchen table, and then two pairings started having sex in the living room. There was a not-great vibe - I heard the phrase, "how come you're the only one left with your bra on?" -  but I stuck around. My friend was my ride home, and also I wanted to see. I was a year in the kink community, and had never been to a party with intercourse or oral sex. I was impressed that Pete had managed to create a porn-style orgy situation, even if on a smaller scale than he had clearly envisioned (a "Give oral sex to Pete" signup sheet that he was pointing out on the fridge remained sadly empty).

I learned later that my friend had a really bad night. Pete pressured her into having sex when she didn't want to.

She broke off their relationship. He continued cold-messaging submissive women who are new to Fetlife to invite them to his parties.

I am responsible for supporting this party and the things that happened at it. I also received oral sex for a bit, a point that I have deleted and rewritten tons of times because I feel ashamed of it, and then ashamed of being ashamed (it was a sex party after all!), and also because I don't want to seem like I am slut-shaming the woman who offered it.

But at least I've learned this. Don't try to create pornutopia. Don't round off, when you get so close to pornutopia that you feel like you could really live there - with a little push. (in case I'm being too subtle, that's how my friend got raped.)

And watch out for those fuckers who do.