Forgetting Can be Fun (A Hypnotic Amnesia Session)

Hypnotic amnesia has been a fascination of mine for a while. There's such potential for twisted D/s games with enthusiastically consenting partners: check out hypnotic bingo and "You did nothing!"  for playful, advanced examples. There are a lot of negative associations with forgetting, so it's good to think about about the many ways it's natural, helpful and fun:

• Letting go of boring, irrelevant test material immediately after the test.
• Forgetting spoilers someone told you about a movie or TV series.
• Forgetting someone's PIN or other private info right after you accidentally saw it.
• Dreams fading so they don't get tangled up with your waking memories
• Forgetting that your roommate was making muffins, and being surprised by them on the kitchen table when you get home.
• Wiping an important task from your mind when you hand it off to a trustworthy  helper (which might be an automated helper, like a calendar alert)
• Getting a package that you forgot you ordered online, and being excited to open it and find out what you got yourself!

Part of why I brainstormed this list was because I think reminding the unconscious mind how enjoyable forgetting can be, can help it to happen in .

Hypothetically, being able to induce amnesia in your partner has horrific abuse potential. Without permission, it would be a severe violation of agency. And it broke up Willow and Tara! There are two things that temper this in hypnosis, though, based on my reading and limited observation. First, it's inconsistent in how well it works. Second, it tends to wear off over time. I would hope, but don't know for sure, that both are more true for things that happen that are emotionally charged, like crossing a boundary. All of these mean that such a violation could not be counted upon to stay hidden.

Nevertheless, this is a very high trust activity. I had been doing sexy hypnosis with this particular partner for almost four months before I even brought up the idea. We had a serious talk about it first, and we agreed I would stay within the bounds of things we had done before, and I would make sure all memory was restored by the time she left.

The type of amnesia I wanted to explore I'll call "session amnesia". There's another type, that I'll call "knowledge amnesia", in which you have people forget specific bits of knowledge, such as their name. This creeps me out a little: the symbolic value of obliterating someone's name, even temporarily, seems intense, not something to mess with without a solid emotional foundation to the relationship. I have also had two people tell me they very much don't like knowledge amnesia - one because she's experienced unpleasant forgetfulness side effects from medication.

In session amnesia, you forget some or all of what happened during the hypnotic trances. Unlike in fictional portrayals, most people remember most of what happens in every trance, even if it's a bit jumbled. But you can specifically suggest otherwise. This has lovely potential when combined with post-hypnotic suggestions, in terms of power exchange. Imagine coming out of trance and knowing that a suggestion is there waiting to be activated, but you don't know what it is. Or that your perception has been altered in some way that you can't quite tell yet. It most definitely fits into the category of "eerie control". To quote a 15 year old movie, this sort of thing is my bag, baby!

The first suggestion I had in mind was that the next time I asked her to recite the alphabet, she would get sleepier and sleepier with each letter, until she fell back into trance. I said she probably wouldn't make it much past the letter "N". Because I wanted to give it the best possible chance of working, I piled on as many techniques as I could from threads like this:

• I used the language that the post-hypnotic suggestion would slip away from her conscious mind, but that her unconscious mind could take care of it and activate it when the time was right.
• I reminded her of some of the nice versions of forgetting from the list above (taking my inspiring from the Erickson book)
• I did other activities during the same trance after giving the post-hypnotic suggestion, such as hand levitation, and evoking sexy sensations.
• I had distracting questions ready for immediately after she woke up, to help prevent consolidation of the memory. Which I didn't use, because when I counted her up she leaned forward and we started making out. My reaction was, that works!

A bit after she woke up, I asked her to say the alphabet, which she had a puzzled reaction to. A great sign! If she had remembered the suggestion, she would have smirked. She looked at me warily, and started briskly reciting the letters. Nothing was happening. She got to "R", and I was trying to think about my next move, when I saw her eyelids droop just a little, and she hesitated. Then her body slumped back onto the chair dramatically, eyes closed, in a trance.

She told me later that she had not remembered the suggestion, until partway through the alphabet. The sleepiness had snuck up on her, and then she had realized, "Oh, I can go into trance." This was a revelation, because I realized this is what would happen if you genuinely didn't know what was happening to you: the sleepiness would be a distraction that you would push aside to get through the task, until it got too strong to ignore.

My favourite part, though, was when she told me that when I asked her to recite the alphabet, she wondered if I had made her forget some of the letters of the alphabet (despite saying that I was only going to do session amnesia). That's wonderful: that meant her mind was going all over the place trying to figure out what I'd done. I realized that I could now point out anything she did, and make her wonder if it was because of a post-hypnotic suggestion I'd given her. That's a mindfuck!

The amnesia I was going for was for the memory to not be firmly grasped by the conscious mind in the first place, which may be what HS refers to as "memory failure" in his classification. This is in contrast to techniques suggested by Wiseguy and others, where the unconscious is instructed to hide a memory away, put it behind a barrier, or otherwise make it inaccessible. For my first time out I just thought this seemed like a better bet, by analogy to dreams sliding away upon awakening, and also because it doesn't put direct attention on the thing to be forgotten, which it seems to me could be counterproductive.

We did another trance and another forgotten post-hypnotic suggestion, this time of a sexual nature and triggered by drinking from her water glass. This was perhaps not so smart as a test, because as she pointed out, she was thirsty anyway, and that activity was definitely already on the menu for the evening. But she didn't remember the suggestion!

Before we parted ways I checked that she remembered everything, and assured her that *was* everything. I wanted her to know that even though I might joke about it, at the end she would know exactly what suggestions I had given her.

I will be at NEEHU starting tomorrow (!!!), and there's a memory play class (along with everything else under the sun), so I'm sure my thinking will evolve dramatically. But I'm glad I got a taste of how fun this kind of play can be.

10 Reasons I Don't Like the Checklist Approach to Negotiation

1. It makes me think of filling out forms at the doctor's office.

2. Every item could require infinite expansion and exploration. If the item is about hypnotic amnesia, you would have to figure out whether some kinds are ok and some aren't, of those kinds are there ways of doing them they do and don't like, etc. This stuff is fractal, and there are always going to be important questions that are left off.

3. Inevitably most of the items aren't going to apply to this particular situation.

4. Likely some terminology will have to be explained, especially for newer people. While potentially interesting, it's a shame to take the time for an item that isn't directly relevant, and it's also a different vibe than negotiation should have I think, to get sidetracked into an intellectual discussion of BDSM terms.

5. It makes me think of 50 Shades of Grey.

6. Items on the list could bring up unpleasant or triggering associations, unnecessarily. There was a good writing about this recently, which I can't find, called "Limits are Weird". The author writes how going over all the things she has an objection to would end up with her curled up in a ball in the corner - not a good mood for play (well most types anyway). To take an example from 50 Shades of Grey (ugh), part of the contract discusses "acts involving needles, knives, cutting, piercing, or blood", and "gynecological medical instruments", both things that are the opposite of sexy for some people. In the hypnosis community we know how sticky words and images can be for the unconscious mind. Why activate these concepts at all if it's not for a particular scene?

7. Checking a box could give the bottom a sense of having committed to a particular act, and so might feel some pressure not to change their mind. It could also give the top a way to dispute a bottom's statement of a boundary violation based on the wording of an item on the list.

8. It could give an inadvertent subtextual message that the bottom is just one on a long conveyor belt of play partners, so much so that the negotiation needs to be automated.

9. You actually need to have it on hand when you play for it to work as a checklist, ideally printed out so that you can physically check things off.

10. Especially if it's very long, I can't see people keeping up the use of it. I mean as checklists, going over every item and making a decision for each. Our negotiation ideals should be things we can reasonably do in practice.

I think the work that Professor-X and colleagues are doing in developing erotic hypnosis consent checklists (as well as other such projects, including one by NEHG members) is incredibly important. These are critical jumping off points for discussion, and give us a sweeping overview of the whole consent terrain. They highlight the many things that absolutely need to be negotiated. Every top, and probably every bottom, should have some version of these lists in their head.

But as someone who is very much in the learning category, I don't believe that checklists can substitute for building my consent skills and knowledge, nor can they protect me from messing up. There's an art to negotiation (in the BDSM sense) that requires experience, and in particular really getting to know your partner, through multiple conversations and through ramping up the play gradually. And my guess would be that what good negotiation looks like in practice is not giving your partner a huge battery of questions at the top, but rather specific tailored questions, at the right junctions.

Therefore the only checklist I plan to use in practice is my 5 item pre-flight checklist, which only helps to avoid obvious bloopers (like forgetting to go to the bathroom before trancing). But I will be reading those BDSM and erotic hypnosis checklists over and over, and trying to internalize their ideas as much as possible.

Highlights of My Winter Flea

Everyone's 2014 Winter Fetish Fair Fleamarket was totally different. Just for starters, there were often *seven* simultaneous classes, all with tantalizing topics (including things you might never have thought of, like balloon bondage!)

But of course the real Flea happens outside the classes. This year I skipped the saturday night ball, barely went to the vendors, and didn't really meet a ton of new people, but it was a total blast and I felt like I used my time well. This is still the only giant kink event I've been to - my first time was just the Saturday last year, and thank god for that warmup - so I don't have much to compare it to, but I completely see how people can build their year around it. I'm so grateful to the hard working volunteers at the New England Leather Alliance for making this happen.

The highlights of my personal Flea:

* Meeting the nice and interesting people who stopped by the New England Hypnosis Group community table, and both teaching and learning bits of info about erotic hypnosis with them.

* An unexpected one: the shuttle rides between the overflow hotel and the con, which I had worried would be a drag. It worked, the drivers were fun, and it was great for chatting with people. On our first trip, PhotoJoseph and I met the first transgender person to serve on the front lines in Afghanistan! She had an outfit with a nifty militaristic flair, which went well with her military posture.

* On another shuttle ride, I chatted with a couple in their 70s, who had gone to their first Flea 15 years ago. "That was a real eye opener!" I asked them how the Flea had changed over the years. They noted that they didn't see much in the way of bears like they used to, specifically large populations of men in very skimpy leather loincloths. There used to be a Mr and Mrs Leather award ceremony. They said the crowd was a bit younger and nerdier, which they found to be a positive. After a little thought, the woman said, "Oh, and steampunk! That's new."

* 6 solid hours of erotic hypnosis classes! (Out of a potential 12 hours!!) On saturday I started at 9 am and the last one was at 9:45 pm. Heaven!

* Watching a middle aged ponyboy elegantly pulling a carriage through the community tables area, with a woman in cat ears riding high like a duchess.

* Getting habituated to the carriage after they trotted by a few times, only taking notice again when the woman gave a lift to another woman rocking PJs and a pacifier, riding on her lap.

* Seeing all the various interpretations of kink wear, from Comic-con worthy costumes including wings and fangs, to streetwear with just a touch of subversion. I truly could not summarize how people dressed. Although I can say that cat ears were really, really popular.

* A million versions of gender bending and gender fucking. Even I with my fairly settled, privileged identity felt a distinct sense of relief and freedom.

* Using exclusively all-gender bathrooms at the actual con, making me reflect on how traditional segregated bathrooms are sort of propaganda for the binary, and are probably a minor manifestation of rape culture.

* Meeting other hypnokinksters from outside Boston. In particular, the fierce young consent warriors and hypno researchers from what may be, very improbably, the recreational hypnosis capital of the world: a small liberal arts college in Western Mass. Hope to report more about them soon!

* Doing a trance after midnight, in a hotel meeting room that was set up as a board room.

* Meeting the sexy Rocky Horror Picture Show shadow cast.

* Getting into Midori's humiliation class just under the wire, and experiencing the charisma of that superstar presenter. The message was simple: for erotic humiliation, you figure out what are the "load bearing pillars" in someone's sense of self, and then knock out ones that are not those, like say their gender expression - which can help them to feel the strength of those core pillars (but you still put those non-load-bearing ones back at the end). But the way it was presented, including an intense and sexy mini-scene, was unforgettable.

* Making time for a hot hypno scene in between two classes, that we could only pull off in a hotel room.

* My friend talking me into letting her suspend me from a luggage cart - my first rope suspension ever. Getting mocked for singing under my breath during the tying, specifically "How Do You Know" from the Enchanted soundtrack. It was stuck in my head!

* Seeing a bunch of my Boston friends outside of their customary setting, dressed to the nines and at play. (even if sometimes stressed out) When it comes to the con experience, friends make all the difference in the world.

Hypnosis Without Respect for Agency

Recently, I had an experience of an erotic hypnosis class I found very disturbing.

The theme of the presentation was long term hypnotic Dominance/submission relationships. It turned out that the whole first half was focused on initiating these D/s relationships - framed as making someone into your hypno sub. Right away the language hit me as predatory: describing techniques as "weapons in your arsenal", recounting the story of the young bull and the old bull without seeming to recognize it refers to rape, bringing out this standby that I heard from him last year, and, most creepily, referring throughout to the person being targetting as "your intended" (he even did the joke of saying "your victi- I mean...").

He gave advice on how to select your intended, like taking the time to get to know them and make sure they're not "crazy".

Then he gave step by step instructions for using hypnotic suggestions and suggestive language to get the person to the point where they are ready to submit to you. Here he emphasized the need for patience, and used the metaphor of the frog boiling in the pot.

Later, in a part that bothered me even more, he talked about how he had used a series of post-hypnotic suggestions to change his long-term partner's mind about doing erotic hypnosis with him, when she hadn't been interested in it before. He was careful to say that was the only part of her personality he changed, that he liked all the rest of it just as it was. When he was asked if he had had her permission to change her personality, his answer was, Well, she's happy with it now!

Retroactive consent - and not the only time he cited it. Pretty indicative of the shaky grasp of consent and coercion overall in this class. He would emphasize that his "intendeds" could withdraw at any stage of the process, and often did - and then would seamlessly shift to bragging about how irresistable his techniques are ("This is an atom bomb").

But there was a deeper problem than lack of understanding of consent, which was a lack of respect for agency. This post about hypnotic ethics proposes the right to agency as one of the two key rights of hypnotees (along with honesty):

Simply put agency is the capacity to choose (and therefore act) independently. While we are restricted in our actions by our environment, we should do our best to ensure that each partner in an intimate relationship is able to act on their own behalf, to make choices, and to be both respected and responsible for those choices.

So consent generally requires agency (i.e. you cannot gain consent from someone who is not making their own choices).

In hypnotism, we play around with the idea of taking agency away, but that is a fantasy.

This presentation was all from the viewpoint of doing things to someone. How to get them to do what you want.

It's not like lack of respect for agency, especially of young women, is exactly rare in the broader world - I'm thinking of things like the slimier pick-up artist materials, i.e. about 99% of them. Then there are the terrible role models in hypnosis, from stage hypnosis shows to paternalistic, ethically-challenged psychologists like Sigmund Freud and Milton Erickson.

But in the kink community, we can't pretend it's ok. A central principle for us is that both parties are active agents, and both viewpoints are equally important. Even if one party is the submissive. If we don't reject and stigmatize the idea of hypnotizing people without permission, of using sneaky language patterns, of trying to alter someone's personality without extensive negotiation, hypnotists deserve to have a rotten, creepy reputation in the kink scene.

In the second half, he introduced a long term partner (not the same one) who is in an intense D/s relationship with him. She was very charming and grounded, and the relationship had obviously been a positive one for her. This part had some valuable tips about the care and maintenance of such a relationship.

The presenter has a pleasant and disarming manner, and I recognized that he was taking a risk in exposing this part of himself. But that pleasantness made it all the more unsettling as the class ended and the feeling of grossness surfaced fully. I looked over at my friends, who also had an air of "did we just see that?" Another friend who had left partway through told me later she was "experiencing something similar to a panic attack", she was so upset. She was one of a number of walkouts.

But I'm more worried about the people who stayed, and laughed at all the right places. I saw people writing down his language patterns word for word. Concern about predators is far from abstract for me: at least four of my friends have been harmed by abusive doms who exploited my friends' interest in hypnosis. If nothing else, this class was incredibly insensitive to that reality. I'll bet some of these tactics would have hit too close to home.

When I brought it up afterwards, how he had neatly packaged hypnosis as another tool in a manipulator's hypothetical toolkit, the presenter said "This stuff is out there. If they learn it from me, at least they'll get the ethics along with it." I didn't like that answer.

--

There's a lot more to think about with this, but I had to get it off my chest. The worst part is feeling like my fantasy life, which certainly is wrapped up in D/s-flavoured hypnosis, has been tainted - hopefully that will wear off soon. I would like to hear about other people's experience of the class, and whether the same things bothered them.

All Glory to the HypnoCake

This is a hypnotic cake, baked for me by my amazing baker roommate for my birthday. A double-layer, chocolate with raspberry-butter-cream-filling cake. That I used to hypnotize someone. This may be a historic first: the first ever hypnosis-by-pastry.

I planned my birthday as a low-key hangout with a light hypno kink theme: I put eye-swimming optical illusions around as decoration, and played another one of my birthday gifts, Hypnoprism by Momus. I also did some hypnosis. There another notable occurrence that I will certainly write about in another entry, but now the cake.

Cassi came to my party, and agreed to gaze into the spiral. We snuck away from where most people were gathered, in the living room, and she sat at the kitchen table. She put her elbows on the table, and looked across at the cake. I started spinning the rotating cake stand (kindly supplied by another guest) and started my patter. Very quickly her eyes started to blink and her head to droop. I had been worried about the loud sound of the cake stand as it turned, but she later said that was what really helped her go into trance! I found myself including more and more cake-based language in my induction: "imagine yourself sinking into the thick, dark chocolateyness..." Did I mention that the spiral on top is a layer of actual white and dark chocolate?

I brought her up after a little bit. She said that she had felt like she was eating the cake! Not with her mouth, but I guess on a deeper level? In any case, after a couple of people had taken camera video of it, we set about to eat it in a non-hypnotic way. And it was amazing. First, though, a room full of people sang Happy Birthday to me in tranced-out voices. (a delightful idea from another one of my friends who was there!) Even more so because most of them weren't hypnokinksters, it made me feel very accepted and cared for.

This has been such a home to me. I like these people so much, and I'm not even close to being done with Boston. And yet I have to leave, to travel so far away, in less than two months. That's going to be a life-changing adventure in its own way, but still: