That Sneaky Feeling

Very often in my online communities a discussion breaks out about where is the line of consent when it comes to hypnotic and influential language. What kind of persuasive language requires consent? What about just charisma and good social skills? What if you've incorporated NLP principles into your communication style so much that you don't know where it begins or ends?

I honestly struggle with all these questions. I'm a bit sympathetic to the "I can't turn it off!" objection because I find myself unconsciously doing some things I learned, like avoiding negations ("I hope you feel more comfortable soon" rather than "I hope your pain stops being so bad"). Although the BEHIVE executive committee wrote into the consent and conduct policy from the start "Don't influence people without consent", we haven't defined exactly what it means to us or and when it isn't ok. There are clear cases I think, like when a PUA guy at a munch tried to get me into a Yes set, ironically about the topic of whether NLP was unethical, or when slimy messages arrive in my friends' mailboxes trying to get them to imagine sexy things being done to them, but there's a ton of grey area as far as evaluating people's behaviour.

When it comes to my own conduct though, it gets a bit simpler - there's a question I can ask myself that covers a lot of it. (This is not to preclude any kind of calling out of my language use by others) The thing you're about to say: Is it a "device" you learned from an NLP book or Zebu card? Could it be found in a PUA or salesmanship YouTube video? Does it give you that sneaky-smug feeling of intellectual domination, like you're floating up in the sky above them, pulling their strings as if they were an object? And whether it's for your own benefit or theirs, do you have consent for that?

If not, and you catch yourself on that, how about you don't say that thing?

And sin, young man, is when you treat people as things.... That's what sin is.
-- Granny Weatherwax