A lot of people have independently come up with the idea that it is wise to lower your expectations, so as to avoid disappointment. For example, here's a chart by a videogame reviewer I like, about how you shouldn't get excited about upcoming videogame releases. Or as John Cusack says to Lily Taylor in Say Anything: "You probably got it all figured out, Corey. If you start out depressed, everything's kind of a pleasant surprise."
I think this approach is wrong, because of when I watched Serenity, on opening night, August 22, 2005. I was a huge Firefly fan, and both enjoyed myself and tortured myself watching those short 14 episodes over and over, so I looked forward to that date for months. My expectations were that the movie would be fucking awesome, and the movie far exceeded my expectations. And that's the greatest feeling. (and I got it again for Avengers!)
So, you don't get to have that feeling if you lower your expectations. That's it. That's my whole argument.
But I'll also say: what's so bad about disappointment? Disappointment is a human emotion. Let yourself be disappointed. I've heard depression described not as feeling sad, but as not being able to feel anything. I'm glad I went to Star Wars Episode I on opening night. I'm glad my expectations were high. The crappiness of that movie knocked me on my ass like a rogue wave, and I treasure that memory. It made a scar that I share with every fellow generation X nerd. And this of course applies to non-trivial, grownup disappointments, even more so. Letting yourself get hurt connects you with other people.
Also, by the way, how do you feel when you're holding down your expectations? When you're cautiously measuring out your optimism? Do you feel lively and vibrant? Are you excited to get up in the morning? I'm guessing not so much. Why deny yourself the pleasure of looking forward to things?
The one caveat is don't create too detailed a picture of how it will be awesome. Because it will be different from that. Like my kink time in Boston. It was so much more awesome than I ever expected, but in very surprising ways. If you don't get fixated on individual imagined details, you're free to appreciate the awesomeness in whatever form it comes in.
All things being equal, I say set your expectations high. You have no idea where the top is. Think about the possibility of a party, scene, person, period of your life, being better than anything you've ever known.
Or as Lily Taylor says to John Cusack in Say Anything: "Get ready for greatness, Lloyd."
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Saturday, July 12, 2014
A Canadian Kinkster in Milan
Last weekend I travelled to Milan and met a bunch of kinksters - my first kink activity in a long time! I got invited by the two guys who started the Italian erotic hypnosis Fetlife group - only two weeks old when I found it! - who are @SMdiClasse and @Sleipnir8, and responded to my laboriously translated introduction message.
So I got off at the mind-meltingly huge, Mussolini-era train station with a few butterflies in my stomach: new city in Italy, new people, and, after all, my entree is weird sex stuff. But the moment I got to the venue, @tom_del_fiume and SMdiClasse's slave @plastika greeted me warmly, and went out of their way to make me feel like the group wanted me there. And it's hard to think of a group I've liked more on first encounter.
This was my first munch of any kind outside of Boston, let alone outside of the United States, so I was very interested to see what it was like. The Milan munch definitely is a step up from the Boston munches in ambience - but that's not hard, considering in Boston they are mostly held in brightly lit mall food courts. The munch-goers had taken over the entire downstairs room of a loungy bar, making for a moodier, sexier setting. (although one attendee confided to me, "I am a punk! I can't stand this!") I would say people were more sharply dressed on average, which added to the sexiness. There was casual drinking, which was interesting. I have noticed that alcohol is a staple of social life here, but rarely with the intention of getting drunk. I thought to myself, let's see how the munch thing feels different with a cocktail. I ordered something called a "Sbagliato" - which translates to "mistake". Not a mistake. But a powerful beverage!
The people were instantly friendly and awesome, sharing a lot about kink life in Italy and asking me lots of questions about myself. There were a couple of dozen people, averaging around 30. The mixture of free spiritedness and nerdiness (yes, Doctor Who is also massive here) sure reminded me of why so much of my social life in Boston switched over to hanging out with kinksters.
And people were very nice about language - I could indulge my primitive Italian a little, but was mostly steered towards the people who had the best english (though most of them were pretty good). But they taught me some valuable vocabulary over the weekend: "mi faccio una sega", which is to jerk off, from the verb for sawing wood; "alla cazzo di cane", which means "to do something as with a dog's dick," i.e. not well; and "troietta", which translates to something like "my little whore". Interestingly, very much of the Italian kink vocabulary is in english, for example "impact play", indicating its origin in American kink culture.
Sleipnir8 and SMiDiClasse got there later, and it was a treat to finally meet them. They are the two people beginning to experiment with erotic hypnosis in the scene there, which is tremendously exciting for me, and there was so much to discuss.
Sleipnir8 and I got invited to a play party after the munch, and that was another fascinating experience. About 10 of us in an apartment living room, and as in Boston, the evening began with friendly chat and joking around, then showing off of implements and playful hitting. Then more earnest hitting and ropey play, with different degrees of nudity (but without anything too sexual, at least in the traditional sense). So I felt right at home! Specifically, it was like my favourite regular party in Somerville, MA. The most noticeable differences of the evening: indoor smoking, Proseco, and espressos.
The people told me that the Italian kink scene has grown rapidly in the last few years, though mostly confined to the big cities such as Milan and Rome. I could see the enormous influence of the American kink framework, I'm sure mostly through Fetlife and other American websites, and yet they are working on a high level. They're experienced with the impact toys we know and love, as well as fire play and electrical play. As for rope bondage, I saw what seemed to my eye to be an expert TK, and a suspension.
I was a little curious about whether the Italian scene would be more old-fashioned when it came to gender roles. I'm sure that is a complex question, but on a surface level anyway, I'm happy to say there were at least two non-male riggers, as well as non-male topping.
I spent Saturday walking around Milan, peering in the windows of the big brands like Prada and Gucci (did not dare go inside, dressed in tourist garb as I was - though with spiral t-shirt) and looking at art and architecture. I especially loved the wrought ironwork and the intricate masonry details everywhere, monster faces and gods peering out of the corners of every building.
It made me reflect that kink and high culture make for a nice combination. Of course Boston has beauty and culture, but when I think of it I think more often of food court food, the Red Sox, and American nerd pop culture references. Part of that, and part of the gap between BDSM in real life and in the romantic depictions of it, is simply to do with money. That porn is to some extent also lifestyle porn. In my circumstances I can barely think about buying a couch, let alone sumptuous old-world furnishings of a red den of sinfulness! I only get to live in Italy because of peculiar circumstances of my career. But even in a regular young-person apartment like in the play party, with Game of Thrones and X-Box games on the shelves, I felt like art, history and various sensual refinements from the city outside seeped in and formed the backdrop.
In the evening on Saturday I went to SMdiClasse's gorgeous apartment with a view of the city, for a somewhat hypnosis-themed dinner party and hangout. It was wonderful to get to know all these folks, sitting on the balcony with its luscious collection of herbs and vegetables, and there was a good amount of hypnosis talk, as well as talk about all manner of things. I definitely caught myself tuning out when there was a lot of fast Italian, but it was very good for my learning, and when I come back next I will be better equipped.
As with the night before, I had a chance to give a short hypnosis demonstration. Neither went very impressively, but people were polite and interested, and asked a lot of great questions. I brought Wiseguy's Mind Play and talked it up to everyone. Nevertheless I haven't yet suceeded at showing off what I find so amazing about erotic hypnosis. I am learning that even outside of language issues (which I will write about some time), there are a lot of challenges with preparing a hypnosis demo with a new group.
However, Sleipnir8 told me that at the big Sunday afternoon party - which I unfortunately had to miss due to work - he and his submissive had a lot of sexy fun with a "simon says" trigger. So he picked up the slack!
What a fantastic time. I'm so grateful to my hosts, and to everyone for being so crazy welcoming. Can't wait to go back.
So I got off at the mind-meltingly huge, Mussolini-era train station with a few butterflies in my stomach: new city in Italy, new people, and, after all, my entree is weird sex stuff. But the moment I got to the venue, @tom_del_fiume and SMdiClasse's slave @plastika greeted me warmly, and went out of their way to make me feel like the group wanted me there. And it's hard to think of a group I've liked more on first encounter.
This was my first munch of any kind outside of Boston, let alone outside of the United States, so I was very interested to see what it was like. The Milan munch definitely is a step up from the Boston munches in ambience - but that's not hard, considering in Boston they are mostly held in brightly lit mall food courts. The munch-goers had taken over the entire downstairs room of a loungy bar, making for a moodier, sexier setting. (although one attendee confided to me, "I am a punk! I can't stand this!") I would say people were more sharply dressed on average, which added to the sexiness. There was casual drinking, which was interesting. I have noticed that alcohol is a staple of social life here, but rarely with the intention of getting drunk. I thought to myself, let's see how the munch thing feels different with a cocktail. I ordered something called a "Sbagliato" - which translates to "mistake". Not a mistake. But a powerful beverage!
The people were instantly friendly and awesome, sharing a lot about kink life in Italy and asking me lots of questions about myself. There were a couple of dozen people, averaging around 30. The mixture of free spiritedness and nerdiness (yes, Doctor Who is also massive here) sure reminded me of why so much of my social life in Boston switched over to hanging out with kinksters.
And people were very nice about language - I could indulge my primitive Italian a little, but was mostly steered towards the people who had the best english (though most of them were pretty good). But they taught me some valuable vocabulary over the weekend: "mi faccio una sega", which is to jerk off, from the verb for sawing wood; "alla cazzo di cane", which means "to do something as with a dog's dick," i.e. not well; and "troietta", which translates to something like "my little whore". Interestingly, very much of the Italian kink vocabulary is in english, for example "impact play", indicating its origin in American kink culture.
Sleipnir8 and SMiDiClasse got there later, and it was a treat to finally meet them. They are the two people beginning to experiment with erotic hypnosis in the scene there, which is tremendously exciting for me, and there was so much to discuss.
Sleipnir8 and I got invited to a play party after the munch, and that was another fascinating experience. About 10 of us in an apartment living room, and as in Boston, the evening began with friendly chat and joking around, then showing off of implements and playful hitting. Then more earnest hitting and ropey play, with different degrees of nudity (but without anything too sexual, at least in the traditional sense). So I felt right at home! Specifically, it was like my favourite regular party in Somerville, MA. The most noticeable differences of the evening: indoor smoking, Proseco, and espressos.
The people told me that the Italian kink scene has grown rapidly in the last few years, though mostly confined to the big cities such as Milan and Rome. I could see the enormous influence of the American kink framework, I'm sure mostly through Fetlife and other American websites, and yet they are working on a high level. They're experienced with the impact toys we know and love, as well as fire play and electrical play. As for rope bondage, I saw what seemed to my eye to be an expert TK, and a suspension.
I was a little curious about whether the Italian scene would be more old-fashioned when it came to gender roles. I'm sure that is a complex question, but on a surface level anyway, I'm happy to say there were at least two non-male riggers, as well as non-male topping.
I spent Saturday walking around Milan, peering in the windows of the big brands like Prada and Gucci (did not dare go inside, dressed in tourist garb as I was - though with spiral t-shirt) and looking at art and architecture. I especially loved the wrought ironwork and the intricate masonry details everywhere, monster faces and gods peering out of the corners of every building.
It made me reflect that kink and high culture make for a nice combination. Of course Boston has beauty and culture, but when I think of it I think more often of food court food, the Red Sox, and American nerd pop culture references. Part of that, and part of the gap between BDSM in real life and in the romantic depictions of it, is simply to do with money. That porn is to some extent also lifestyle porn. In my circumstances I can barely think about buying a couch, let alone sumptuous old-world furnishings of a red den of sinfulness! I only get to live in Italy because of peculiar circumstances of my career. But even in a regular young-person apartment like in the play party, with Game of Thrones and X-Box games on the shelves, I felt like art, history and various sensual refinements from the city outside seeped in and formed the backdrop.
In the evening on Saturday I went to SMdiClasse's gorgeous apartment with a view of the city, for a somewhat hypnosis-themed dinner party and hangout. It was wonderful to get to know all these folks, sitting on the balcony with its luscious collection of herbs and vegetables, and there was a good amount of hypnosis talk, as well as talk about all manner of things. I definitely caught myself tuning out when there was a lot of fast Italian, but it was very good for my learning, and when I come back next I will be better equipped.
As with the night before, I had a chance to give a short hypnosis demonstration. Neither went very impressively, but people were polite and interested, and asked a lot of great questions. I brought Wiseguy's Mind Play and talked it up to everyone. Nevertheless I haven't yet suceeded at showing off what I find so amazing about erotic hypnosis. I am learning that even outside of language issues (which I will write about some time), there are a lot of challenges with preparing a hypnosis demo with a new group.
However, Sleipnir8 told me that at the big Sunday afternoon party - which I unfortunately had to miss due to work - he and his submissive had a lot of sexy fun with a "simon says" trigger. So he picked up the slack!
What a fantastic time. I'm so grateful to my hosts, and to everyone for being so crazy welcoming. Can't wait to go back.
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