There’s a certain type of dude who, when there’s a lot of conversation about consent and consent violations, gets really really pretend scared. “I’m so scared!” they say “In the current climate, if I open a door for a woman, she could accuse me of harassment! I’m afraid to say anything! I’m deprived of oxygen, for political correctness has truly boxed me in!”
Here’s my message to them and to all of us men: you should be afraid.
Why did Louis CK, Weinstein, Spacey, Tambor, Rattner, Toback, and all the others soon to be named do all those sexual assaults? Because they were not afraid. They judged that their power, fame, wealth and sheer old-white-manhood, would protect them.
And they were totally right!
For YEARS there were no consequences. They kept making movies and tv shows, and kept assaulting people!
And now the checks are all coming. Brave women and men have told their stories in numbers powerful enough to finally convince all but the biggest assholes. These famous careers are getting blown apart in front of our eyes, hopefully permanently (although white manhood has historically carried with it an astonishing amount of second chances)
And let’s hope the message filters down into everybody’s day to day lives. This shit is not going to stand any more.
Although crippling social anxiety is a bad thing, fear and wariness are your friend when it comes to not assaulting people.
Most importantly it should motivate you to learn. Learn about women’s experience of assault and how it doesn’t necessarily look like how you expect (for example, many people freeze up). Learn explicit consent and get fucking good at it. Learn how explicit consent isn’t enough: learn about structures of power and how they can let you mask even to yourself how little someone is free to say no. Learn to err on the side of not assaulting.
And know, deep down, if you prey on people, eventually your house will fall down.
And because of these serial predators, and how it’s never just one victim, young women and other vulnerable groups are talking amongst themselves and getting less and less tolerant of behaviour that has that flavour - the assault-adjacent, mild creeping and sexism that used to be considered the cost of admission if you are a woman. The bar is moving for what constitutes a fuckup, in a way that is no long controlled by older white men.
And if you fuck up, in a way that is not clearly a one time thing, you will get shitcanned. You will get kicked out of the community and have no access to kink. And this will happen to me if I get sloppy and inattentive about consent or start treating people like things, and it will happen to you. This is how it should work.
Have fun in the kink community, and be afraid.
